I don't get it...

... there is a lot of thing that I don't understand, no matter how hard I try. I'll write down a list before it gets lost in the labyrinth of my mind (dangerous place..). So there u go.. 

I don't understand:

1. ... british poshness and politeness. Not that it isn't fascinating to watch the english but I seriously think they can't be imitated in their manners.

2. ... my political views. I know where I'm standing but at the same time I don't. My dream for a better world is too crazy and peculiar to find people who share it.

3. ... why I'm still too shy to go and talk to my lecturer. especially when I know I really need to.

4. ... the crazy little person in my mind who continuously forces me to make choices I don't fully understand. He (is it a he? bah..) has his own peculiar reasons and is so kind to warn me with dreams before bombing my conscious plans. Still I don't really get what his plans are...

5. ... Evangelic Christians. 

6. ... why I feel the urgent need to break down and cry. Mourning the death of my dream. And all the deaths I haven't had time to mourn properly. 

7. ... evolutionary genetics.

John barleycorn must die

OH DEAR

random thoughts in random order.

1. occupation. Cambridge students are occupying in favour of Gaza. Demanding the intervention of the university. On that point sir: the occupation seems far to civilized to me. They are being very polite and very british. No bombs, vandalism, shouts, incovenients for other students, nothing, just pacific protest. Good Lord! so different from Italy. I didn't go and probably won't. Not because I don't agree but in name of my old good principle of not getting involved. It's either me leading the revolution or me staying at home. I'm there in spirit tho. 

2. I'm here at 4 o'clock in the morning, anguish, a bit of wine and will to course. (not to quote Francesco there..) same silly behaviour. same panic. same me. hell yeah!! but good point is that I'm loving in it. good news innit? I'll probs go to bed in a tick just for kicks, just to forget about all this, cough and die. Good plan. 

In the meantime

John Barleycorn must die 

HAMLET

(or the page-worth of notes I took before going to see the play..)

What was the last time I've been writing?

Bah, months ago. I find myself in the ADC bar with my snotty nose ready run after a dream. Alone. And that dream is not mine anymore. 

Is this a jump in the past? An attempt of resurrecting the dream? 

I'd rather say I'm here for cultural reasons, for Shakespeare. Not that I believe in this but it comes as a consolation in this crazy life. I've been here for less than a week and I already feel the lack of sleep, I'll pay for my late nights. But not now. Now I'm busy running, doing, dreaming, hoping.. and god knows what else. 

It has been months since I last asked myself who I am and in what I believe. 

Do I still believe in something?

***play*** interval***

I believe in Hamlet. 

In beauty. In the immense poetry of a forgotten language; in the joy of understanding, in only a word out of a thousand. I believe in that visage. No, not in THAT visage, I believe in recognizing a visage unknown as it was familiar because I've been hoping in it. I believe in placing my hopes in hope, amen. I believe in running away from reality in any possible way. In the dark of a theatre before the curtains rise and after they fell again. I believe in silence and in the power of the word. In the white page and in the black ink. In the immortality of art. 

It's not a matter of " to be or not to be", it's more a matter of leaving a trace of our passage, or leaving without people noticing. 

Hamlet left a trace of himself.

And I? 

(just realized in Italian it sounded much better.. the trouble of translation..) 

Black Books

Customer: Excuse me?

Bernard: What? What!?

Customer: Do you have anything by Adam Philips?

Bernard: How would I know? Go to a proper bookshop

Customer: Look... there is no other way to say this, but I didn't come here to be insulted!

Bernard: Well, I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. You know, in another life, maybe we could have been brothers, running a small quirky taverna in Sicily. Maybe we would have married the local twins, instead of wasting each other's time here in this dump. But it was not to be... so hop it!

Fran: So what's it like then? The fags and booze.

Bernard: Well, to be honest, after years of smoking and drinking you do sometimes look at yourself and think...

Fran: yep..

Bernard: you know, just sometimes, in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that four hundredth glass of cornershop piss at 3am, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...

Fran: yep....

Bernard: .... "this is fantastic. I'm in heaven."

Bernard: Do you eat? I do. Do you want to do it in the same room, sometime?

Pondering & Feelings

I fear i got a bit carried away by dreams and thoughts.. as usual. 

And fever doesn't help, for what that matters.. shame.

I should really have learned my lesson by now: DON'T dream over people. 

Just don't. 

Cose reality is gonna hurt a lot more when u compare it to dreams.

Pretty straightforward, isn't it?

Then why can't I just remember it? 

John Barleycorn must die

...DAY-DREAMING...

"... because only in dream and death, oh my poor old man, we can find ourselves..."

Good old Cesare is always right, isn't he? 

We find ourselves only in death, I dare say. And in dream, because dreaming is death. It doesn't kill, it is death itself. The moment u start dreaming u enter the kingdom of death. U find yourself and struggle back, each time a little bit stronger. Each time having lost sth in the process. 

Dreaming is a sweet sweet suicide, that can be reversed if u wish so. 

This past week has been a dreamy week. 

And now I find myself in Ade.

With an essay to write 

and my spirit crying to leave me. 

...back to earth then... 

The Road Not Taken

I increasingly find myself not able to take a decision. Not that I was ever able to do so, but lately this wonderful inability has become a problem. Well, not a real problem. My life goes on smoothly even if I decide that I can't be asked and I'll just go on ignoring that I should have been making important decision. (sounds like a joke, I decide not to the decide.. mmm..) 

Robert Frost keeps up the illusion that my choices have a poetic dimension. But again, they usually involve choosing stuff like "shall I go to a play or to my friend's birthday party?" It's perfectly clear to me which one would be the road less travelled by, but it is at least as clear that if I take it that decision is not gonna make any difference. 

So now, I have to road diverging in front of me.. the less travelled by and the easy one. My contorted and masochist mind would say go straight for the less travelled by and the world can fuck off.. while my kanckered body and lazy heart would rather go for an easy peasy walk, perhaps even with the company of someone to talk to... 

Dilemma. 

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. "I exercise the right not to walk."

SBA

Got the idea.
Got all excited about it. Just like I was for the arch&anth dinner last year.
Started working for it (just because I was unable to concentrate on anything else).
Called for people to help around or at least show a tiny little bit of interested.
Got really crossed cose none seemed interested as much as I am.
Still excited. Still crossed.
Still willing to fight for it even if it will mean a massive crisis like last year and a massive amount of courage.
Still feeling lonely in my fight.
Because I'm not a person of action. I'm the one who sit there and contemplate and wait for the inspiration to write a poem.
But I've learned that u can't just wait for your dreams to magically realized.
U have to fight for them
And I will.
Fight.
Even if I don't like it.
Even if I'd rather sit and wait. and cry.
I'll get it done.

TOP 10

Top 10 people in the world...
well, the 10 people I admire the most or keep the best memory of...or just think are great..


1. Meave Leakey
2. Jane Goodall
3. Marta Mirazon Lahr (God know why she keeps that surname)
3. Robert Foley
5. Jay Stock
6. Francesco Guccini
7. Adam Jones
8. Massimo Bonola (nonostante tutto)
9. Gobetti (and all the partisans)
10. James Galway

FRIDGE MAGNET POEM

I've hoped, against hope,
one last time.
I've rejoiced in the happy illusion
and my heart cried with disappointment
when the evidence
(damned reality so crude and dry!)
proved I was wrong.
What now?
It's not a big deal
I know how to rise again from the ground
bring on Baccus and Tobaccus,
bring on happy desperation,
bring on life!

Song of the day,

Massimo di Cataldo, "se adesso te ne vai."

ESSAY BREAK

... bored of un-identified australopithecine bones I've opted for something slightly more fun. It goes like this: do u remember Amelie? the very beginning, when the voice lists 3 things that Amelie's parents love and hate.. I've always thought it is a good way of describing a person, u get a detailed idea of that person's personality (far too many "person" in this sentence...) only through what they like or not. so here we go.. Marghe's 3 Love & Hate

Love
pulling little stone out of my shoes soles (preferably with a pen)
smoking outside fitz at night and having small conversations with drunk fitzbillies who walk in in gown
waking up in the middle of the night getting the feeling I'm the only person awake in the world and stalk out of the window to see Fitz asleep

Hate
painted feet finger nails
getting the feeling to have done sth wrong
being forced to avoid people.

Of course there's a lot more to it.. but I did have only 3 spaces.. I'll write another list pretty soon...

John Barleycorn must die

CHAOS

Good old cambridge, good old chaos.
Looks like I'm not able to stay in the same place for longer than a few months. Not that I dislike it but I feel I could hurt people around me.
Point is: people just bore me. After a while. Whenever I get the feeling somebody is getting close enough to "touch my heart" (just not to quote Patty...) I turn round and run. Fact. And right before running I do all that is in my power to hurt that person, and show how cold, cruel, vicious and unpleasant I can be. So that I leave only surprise and a nasty taste behind me. And then, as said , I run. Fact.
people always try to make me stay, or at least understand. Waste of time.
I myself have tried to understand, but no explanation is satisfactory.
I'm like the dog that lets u stroke him until your face is close enough and then bites. Right there.

CAVE CANEM

John Barleycorn must die

HOME

back in the Bridge. Not much to say actually.. just that I'm increasingly realizing how much my life is driven by feelings and sensations.. I definitely make my choices only (well, almost only ) on the basis of feelings I get when I visit a place or meet someone. Going back to the LCHES today I felt home, a weird feeling tbh, and suddenly remembered how I've always felt home in that place. ergo, I probably chose to do bioanth just because of the feeling I get from that friendly environment... but, it is a good way of making choices? and most of all, will I always be able to find places where I feel home so much?
God knows..
... bioanth is the way forward for the time being tho!

John Barleycorn must die.

DE OZIO

I increasingly find myself staring at my laptop without really doing anything apart from being jealous of other people's exotic holidays, and listening to Kid Rock (btw, his last album is just awesome!!!) ... I get the feeling I should be doing sth productive, and clearly remember I did have a plan including loads of jogging and at least as much reading.. I do get excited in front of next term's lectures and think "oh yehay, I'm gonna to all the reading right now, and maybe even go through some of the lecture notes!! they are just too cool.." but then I do nothing but sleeping and waiting for watching Wanted.. It might be that it's too hot to move or even think but I really get the feeling I'm wasting my time, and still don't have the strength to react and do sth with it!!! I keep thinking I'll start tomorrow... but a month has come and past and tomorrow has yet to come....... I'm just lazy. I need cambridge to become productive... but cambridge won't come until october....................

right.. tomorrow I'll do sth productive, I swear! It's monday, always a good day to start....

LAME

It's not only because I got a terribly painful swollen foot at the moment.. but sometimes I really get the feeling I'm behind. I'm limping behind the others like an old pirates with a wooden leg.
It's not really true.. I know that I aim for to much.. reaching for the moon makes u forget that there is a planet under your feet, but when I do realize I need to walk on this ground I feel like I'm an outsider.
and I am perhaps.
some people just know how to succeed, I just don't. I live in my dreams, love them and take for granted that reality should be like them. keep forgetting that reality is just the good old crap. should I stop dreaming? seems like a solution. but not for me.
my dreams are my fuel. the only consolation when the monster inside me turns alive and nothing else could help.
I expect friends to understand.. but they can't.. who could?
Not even I get the meaning of all this. I simply live with it. But can't ask other people to share with me.. I know I can't. would be far too cruel. and yet I keep getting cross if people aren't able to understand, respect.. I get crossed when I find mediocrity in people I spend my time with.
I'm even starting to think I'm infinitely superior to the rest of the world (or at least well different). and that's bad. I'm still waiting for somebody like me... does this person exist? perhaps not..
perhaps I should just be content with what I got....
perhaps not

SABRINA

Maybe the Moon is reaching for me this time.
Not saying that it will come down the sky for me.
But at the moment I feel like I'm flying up to the sky without reaching for anything..
.. just flying.

And the Moon will notice. Maybe. Nothing is impossible.

Dritti alla meta e coquista la preda!

SYMBOLS

What restrains me? Same old fears. Same old idiocy. I've been deceiving myself with a promise of courage. No way. I'm still the good old loser. And so? Am I gonna win myself this time? Am I gonna fight this battle and prove myself I'm different? I will. But not for me. No. I'll do it for a dream. A dream which is clearly impossible, out of reach. I'm reaching for the moon, again. And the moon won't come to me. Even if I win this battle. It will still be there.. miles away from me. What's the sense of all this then? What am I fighting for? What I'm trying to reach. I know it's impossible. I know...
But I keep fooling my weak mind with promises of happiness. Is that right. I don't know.. but it's my fuel, my dream, my direction. And I'll follow it. Cose I feel it's the right direction. Even if the moon won't come down the sky for me.

LOVE LIFE

I'm rather pissed off.
with myself first of all.. I should have known my limits, should have remembered that I'm crap at organizing even my own life, should have known I'm fragile and unstable and under stress even if I pretend I'm not.
what was I thinking when I decided to put myself in this?
I'm sure it's gonna work at the end.. but I should have left the job to somebody stronger.

with people secondly.. there's no much they can do.. but they look/sound rather disinterested.. again, should have remembered people can't be bothered, which is a good strategy for survival, but risk sometimes keeps u alive and have a better pay off in the long term (if u don't fail miserably in between, of course..) I like to think that I'm taking a risk... and failing, as usual, but at least I'm doing sth.

with Liz, as a third term of this equation. Because friends are those who dry your tears, and are there when u need help. U can't have my friendship if all that is for u is a biscuit and being silly. Grow up woman, stop giggling and thinking only to your stomach and self-existence. generosity and maturity. that's what u lack.. U can live well enough without them but remember that people get annoyed after having noticed that there's nothing more than childish behaviour that u can offer.

I take it as a test, It's my fault, fair enough, but I will win this challenge and get my price. I don't care. I'll stop being nice and patient I'll be nasty, selfish and get what I want. end of story!!

and Thanks to Bella and Katie for cheering me up and being generally amazing!!!

ROMEO & JULIET



I have a dream...
... no body is dreaming it for me, tho
therefore it can't be real...
... u need to be 2 to make a dream real
dreaming together is reality...
... dreaming alone is port and cigarettes
and I can fall only for chain of gold...
... chain of silver is not shining enough
I can't do the talk like they do on tv...
... I don't wanna be that banal
I'm reaching for the moon...
... and the moon keep her sky
and doesn't move down...
... and doesn't look at me
perhaps it's better like this...
... but I'm in pain,
pain for the man of the moon..
...and my broken heart
cries silent tears of hope...
... and all I do is kiss u through the bars of a rime
and dream my dream for u...

CAMBRIDGE

How many post did I already write with this title? millions probably... who cares?
God didn't save Italy, but saved me! I'm back, determined to rock this term! amazing how only 5 weeks made me forget I much I love staying up until 1 am (when early) chatting with friends, and then walking in the rain and get all shining; rolling down hill to sansbury; going to the buttery; walking through Fitz feeling as home as I've never felt; laughing a lot; playing darts in the bar; decorating my room; unpacking with the feeling of being starting sth new and yet great; checking facebook hundreds times in half an hour... and so on... I simply love Cambridge!!! what more can I say?!
nothing, Cambridge says everything.
glad to be back!