I thought it was over.
It was not.
I thought I was safe.
I was not.
I thought I won myself.
I had not.

I am still, or perhaps, once again,
on the edge of the gorge,
completely alone,
struggling to keep myself up.

Nobody but me can help,
nobody,
and I have not the strength to win
to stay up.
I am slowly sliding down.
down
down
down

BEPE'S BACK!!!

Back to reality.. back to myself!! oh joy... I am still the old clumsy loser, still the same inveterate dreamer, still Bepe. Despite the appearances, I'm glad of it. Found my self desperately trying to understand other people by supposing they are like me... found myself walking alone imagining situations that will never happen... found myself happy with that!! and yet, if I was confused by the language, I found out that people are the same all over the world, different cultures maybe, but same fears and dreams, if I trust my abilities I still can project myself in other people's mind and understand them without translation and treasure what I've found. I still can do it!!! I have not lost that gift, perhaps my only one... that makes me happy.
That doesn't mean I'll obtain what I'm struggling for, nor that will use my gift to surprise people as I have done in the past... no, this time I'll keep it as my last resource, I deserve to be valued for other features. Still getting to know that I haven't lost my identity make me feel home. Welcome back Bepe...

DREAMS.....

Once again I need the help of Sigmund Freud to try to give a sense to my twisted psyche... once again, I realize he's damn dead.. so once again I ask people to listen to my weird, silly dreams and give them some kind of interpretation... ready? here it is:

PREMISE: (mmm... being this a public space I won't use real names, and indeed I don't think they matter that much...) Friday night I drunk a little bit too much, lately this always throws me in a silly sad mood, so while everybody is dancing and having fun I seat in a corner and think " bloody island!"... in addition to that there is the annoying fact that I happen to fancy somebody, this always throw me in a silly sad mood, with or without alcohol. Hence, since 1+1=2 friday I was in a particularly silly/sad/jealous mood also due to a considerable number of girls dancing around (and not only around), my Guido of the moment. Fine. I went home, talked and laughed a bit with a friend, he made me knock on Guido's room to say goodnight, I was completely pissed by that time so I just laughed for a solid 10 minutes.... then straight to bed.... and dream.....

DREAM: I've dreamt the exact scene, me and my friend in the corridor, laughing, knocking on Guido's (not heaven's) door...all normal..but the dream went on and Guido said (I don't remember the exact words, it was sth on this line tho..):" Why the hell are you jealous?! even if I appear to fancy one of these girl, is only for one night, keep hoping, you are my future..." Something like that... I'm not even sure my dream was in english...

I've asked my friend who studies psychology but she was just too keen in reassuring me and her interpretation quite fast.. any ideas? thanks a lot

LIFE

Just to be in contrast with the latest tendency of this blog... I should be writing an essay about plague and strategies for survival, instead, I'm listening to Ronan Keating and thinking, never mind, I like it this way. Despite the title I get the feeling this post will actually be about death, once again. It will be about strategy for survival as well, in his/my own particular way.
Just about a year a go I was writing " you cannot cancel God from your life only because people you love die.." I do not know if was that sentence that let to all that happened later on, what I know is that particular piece of writing made a friend become such. It was worthy. Now I'd like to say that sentence was wrong, totally wrong. I do believe death, exactly like love, makes one ponder about the deep meaning of life, including God. Only through death and love one can really decide how he/she wants to live and wether or not there is a God. I am, now, dealing with both death and love and struggling like never before to keep me sane, alive, happy... truth is I'm deeply upset. This feeling of total sadness, loneliness, abandonment is permeating every thought and action. I cannot think or concentrate on my work, I am simply lost. I've started this year with the best intentions and expectations, what I got is a series of deaths and bad news. I feel defrauded. I was happy, for the first time in my life. Now I cannot stop crying. Mascie-Talyor said that january is the most common month for committing suicide, it may be true, it may be only the winter and the rain..but it may be not. I do love life more than I've ever done, but I've lost confidence, everything seems again too big for me... I keep saying to myself "go on, this is the right place, you deserve it, all you have to do is relax take a step back and leave Cambridge to do the rest it will save you again and make you a better person, a proper one..." apparently it doesn't work this time... maybe I just need to sleep and take my time.. however, I need to find a way out, right now. I need a strategy for survival, a genetic, social or technological trick to survive this week!!! I need it now. I need a hug as well, a huge long one....I need to cry this all out.. I need to die.. rise the third day...

PEOPLE....

I realize only now how much do people matter in my life... I'm not talking about the sad period of my life in which not knowing myself made me desperately try to copy/become like other people... still, every single great decision in my life has been made because I met somebody who with his/her simple living made me feel deep inside the need to give my life a precise direction, it doesn't matter if that particular resolution lasted for years or just for few minutes, what matters is that some people somehow did change my life! names are too many to remember them all... off top of my head: Cesare Pavese, Cristina, Rebecca, Monica, Sarah, Diego, Fuma, my 2 grandmas, Giovanni (both ones), Massimo Bonola, Adam Jones, my mum, my dad, Don Massimo, Federico, Jay Stock, Alan Macfarlane... and many many others.. I cannot find words enough to thank you all for making me the person I am, for having guided my choices to this place and this life! there is a reason for everything, probably you are the deepest reason of my choices.. thanks...
people do matter a lot in our life, if could only collect all that they have to teach us we would live far better... my resolution remains the same: dedicate my life to people, because they brought me from death to life!
thanks