Thursday, December 30, 2010

Oh days, oh months that run away so quickly....

Yet another year has come and passed. It's music has finished. As usual, we look back and think. Even if our judgement seems slightly altered by the copious amount of food we've been stuffing our faces with in the past week or so.
This year has started in tears and is finishing in a slightly mental state of grace. Which is what life should be like so it's all good. In the meanwhile I have managed to say goodbye to Cambridge without shedding too many tears. Although I did go nuts before and after the fateful day. I've also somehow managed to face my monsters and sort of defeat them. Hence the holly bizzarre state of grace - deep grace - of the present day. Here are a few of the things I have learned over the past 12 months. Or drops of wisdom for the future. In no particular order:

It's easy to blame other people for our flaws, but we have to keep in mind that ultimately we are responsible for who we are.
When you feel the world is closing in on you and you'll never see the sun again, just remember in the winter, far beneath the bitter snow lies the seed that with the sun's love in the spring become the rose. Or in short, time heals everything.
Most of the things that seem huge to us, will appear small and stupid in a few months time.
I'm not a fighter (already knew that), I'm a dreamer. And I like to keep my dream as they are. Which probably means utter failure in the realm of reality.
To love is to put other people's happiness before ours. And to let them go.
Knock, and it will be opened. Ask, and you will be answered.
Perhaps nature makes us dull and boring in old age on purpose. So that when we finally go, those who love us will suffer less.
For every life that come to a close, few fresh ones are born. The cycle will continue non-stop.
I'm not ready for real life. And probably will never be. Fact.
One person is enough to redeem a whole country in my eyes. Which leads to the consideration that no, I have no faith in politics and institutions but people, oh, people they can change the planet for the better.
Find your center and you are sure to win.
Never allow someone to be your priority when for them you are just an option.
The one and only thing that makes me really, deeply happy is to be with people. Feeling useful for my friends and spending time with them is my vocation. As cheesy as it may sound.

Me gustas los pinguinos.

Friday, November 19, 2010

The Cave

Yet another 4am drunken post. (well almost 4am.)
Clubs are the worst place to get all philosophical.But, again, I can't help it.. As Plato rightly put it, we are all in a cave and what we see and experience are just projections of a higher life. Merging it with Pirandello, one could argue that we live in millions different caves and the life we believe to be living is only the projection of our on mind.. My cave is notoriously an odd place to be. And I need to keep reminding myself that, yes, most of what I think other people think or feel it's just part of my mind. I see people doing what I hope them to be doing or feeling or thinking. I know, I know. And still keep falling in the same old mistake of trusting that it might be real. It's not. And the more I secretly want something to happen the more I project on people my desires; the more difficult it gets to stay on balance. Keep your balance dear, it's not happening. Despite your deepest wishes. So here I am at 4am, agony a glass of wine and the need to scream.
And yet I know, probably thank to age, that extremes and drugs are not the way to break free from the cave - despite what people might think. I know now (now we know) that is a matter of being able to win the battle with your innermost self. This is joy. Even if covered in pain. Hence, new resolution. However difficult this might prove I shall win. I ought to. I have no choice.
So everybody please say with me: "what are u doing in a cave?!" but with a scouse accent.

John Barleycorn must Die.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

On freedom, politics and morality

I guess we never are free. Well, no, I don't guess. I know. We never are free. We are shaped and constrained by culture, time, country, social class and personality. And on top of that our freedom has necessarily to end when other people's freedom start. Hence, we basically are confined in a tiny tiny space. Which is rendered even smaller by others' judgement. We don't only refrain ourselves from doing something because it would hurt other people, but also because we fear their judgement. Thus, living with other people makes us slave of impression, conventions, images projected in the mind of others..
... and yet, some people are freer than others. Like with animals in farms and equality, some people can. Or, better, can afford to ignore the judgment of others and brake those non spoken rules that allows society to exist. They are, we say, above morality. I never was a big fan of morality per se; stupid instrument of confinement, or excuse for atrocities as it is - but morality, in a broader sense can be considered the name we generally give to those things we wouldn't do for respect of others.
So, if you live in a country whose prime minister doesn't know what respect of others means you have an issue. Well, not you. But the country. Berlusconi is behaving amorally, say the media. I disagree. He is stating his power. He is shouting in the face of everyone else that he can have orgies with under age prostitutes, abuse of his power and etc, and don't feel ashamed. (oh the shame the shame the shame) No only, he is also sure that whatever he does, none will touch him because italian politics is not ready to substitute him with anyone. Hence, he is robbing in to all his fellow italians that he is above and beyond the rules we all submit to.
Not nice, is it? especially because this is not a competition to state identity and power. Politics is about representing. A prime minister who's mainly concerned with reminding his citiziens how much better (faster, stronger) than anyone else he is - is showing just how little he has understood of that thing called politics. And a country who stay still and accept that is just showing how little they have understood of democracy, and how little backbone they still have.

John Barleycorn must die

Friday, October 15, 2010

London is calling and I.. I live by the river..

The river is miles away really. =(

London is the best place in the world for people watching.

My wardrobe is not cool enough for London..

I have a job. Or something like that.

Avenue Q is amazing. Made me feel light and happy.

Love been the youngest in my course.

I found that I can be a social butterfly. Loud and histerically smily.

I wish I has more time for people watching.

Got converted to ultimate frisbee.

I can walk anywhere in London.

Dislike the tube at peak-hour.

I have new clothes.

Went to see the recording of a TV show.

Plan to go on a celebrity hunt.

Loud music is the way forward.

Don't actually mind french house.

I smile every time I see business men (or women) in full suit and trainers.

Monday, September 27, 2010


new uni, new life. or sthe like that, naturally...

I'm loving my staying in london. Loving having a proper fresher week. Loving being strong and mature enough to not care about anything. And yes seghe mentali will come... I can see them on the sky, as big as colourful butterflies... mmmmm.. but as I said che serĂ , serĂ . this time I'll let whatever will be, to be.

John Barleycorn must die.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


Rage (and hate) has been my nest for oh, so many years, and now I need to get rid of it. To destroy my best defence all at once.
Am I mature and strong enough to do it?
we'll see....

John Barleycorn must die

Sunday, June 20, 2010

The end.

Not really the end yet. Still a week to go, but the feeling is the same.
The three best years of my life come to a close and I find myself dealing with empty feelings that can easily be summarised in a question mark.
What is gonna be next? Whatever it is, it's not gonna be the same. There will be no Fitz, no Cambridge and no strong emotions associated with them. Fact.
I think I made the most out of these three years. They will remain as definitely the best, and in 20 years time I will be able to talk about Cambridge with that sort of nostalgic lover look so characteristic of alumni.. oh dear.
I get the sneaky feeling it's all gonna be down hill from here. This should be the beginning of my real life, when the excitement of challenges, maturity and responsibility begins. And yet I find it hard to feel anything but a strong sense of nostalgia and apathy towards the future. Cambridge was the peak of my life and the rest it's just gonna be slightly disappointing.
Probably not a good mood to start life with....
.... eventually I will find the time to cry.
For now, let's all drink lemonade.
The end.

Monday, May 24, 2010


There's a spider on my laptop.
It's red. It goes up an down.. moving all around the perimeter of my screen.
It's hot.
The weather, not the spider.
But presumably the spider is hot too...
Wish I didn't have to revise and could enjoy the sun.
It's not gonna last.
The sun, I mean, but also the revision.
Cram, cram, cram.. for what? in two weeks is gonna be over.
What is the point?
There is no point.
It's like a sailing boat in the middle of the sea. No wind. Total calm.
Time will stop. And rush forward. But always giving you the impression there is no tomorrow.
Always, with the sun burning your skin.
We need a storm.
Rain on skin. Bare feet on grass.

The spider is gone.
Need sleep.

Thursday, May 20, 2010


Why can I never bring myself to write an email, even when my life depend on it??
There is something intrinsically wrong with me..

John Barleycorn must Die.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Monday, May 03, 2010

Nuvole e Lenzuola

I wish I could stop time and give it another meaning. Or at least I wish I could be mature enough to get over it and stop lying to myself. Yes, I am a hypocrite and a lier. I always was. And now it's too late to change. So, as usual, I'll keep on the same, abused, smile and ignore the burning fire in my chest. I will pretend it's not there. I only wish I could pretend better and force my nerves and muscle to serve my will. But no. I'm not even a first class lier.. just a mediocre one. Great. Oh and I have no identity. that's the epiphany of the day: I am no one. But if I don't have an identity I can't lie can I? so being nothing makes me honest at the end... not sure if that make any sense.. I surely don't.

John Barleycorn must die.

Sunday, April 25, 2010


it's procrastination time so here's my list of things I love about summer...

shorts and t-shirts re-appearing
blue sky
pimm's and lemonade
general chilled mood
working in the library until late at night
long days
summer banter (yes it is different from winter banter..)
loud music
long walks in the sun
runs in the morning
walking through Fitz early when everyone is still asleep but the sun is up and bright
na caleya by la bandina
happy-smily-bouncy Deeds
working in the kitchen

Monday, April 19, 2010

Are you happy?

" You are an enigma, Marghe, because you are an intelligent person. And I think that intelligent people cannot be happy, but you are always happy. Are you really happy or are you pretending?"

What was I to answer?
The question just struck me like a lightening out of the blue sky.
Premise, I am not always happy. As whoever saw me crying every day in the past 2 months would know... But it is true that I try to look happy as much as I can. And also, that yes, my life is essentially happy. Does that make me less intelligent? Probably, yes. Sometimes I think it would be worth going back to constant total agony just to be able to write poems again, or to understand people like I used to.. but is it really? My life is essentially happy and there's nothing I can do about it. That said it doesn't mean I don't have my moments of crisis in which I feel weak, lonely, scared, abandoned by the world and surrounded by all my old monsters.. but I also know I can win this fight. Yes, I can.
At the end, I think, there will always be the same amount of wine in the glass but you have to choose if seeing the full half or the empty half. I chose to see the full half. All the time. Does that mean I'm pretending? Don't think so. Just that I know that seeing the empty half can drag me to the grave...
... nevertheless, still pondering on my existence...

John Barleycorn must Die.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010


Hate them...
not all of them, don't get me wrong, just a certain type of memories. Those sneaky ones that pop into my thoughts, my day, my life, when I least expect them, and make my heart jump, and my mind derail. And for a second I get lost... in lies and truths, pain and hope, hate, love, identity, interpretations, reality and relativism.. all that whirling upon my head..

John Barleycorn must die.

Sunday, April 04, 2010


Just remerged from the utter amazingness that is the Easter Triduum. Head still full of all the songs and symbols.. ears and skin still feeling Marta singing (my God, her voice makes me shiver every time.. ).. heart still lifted with hope. It's amazing how these three days with their theatrical representation of pain and hope manage to make you forget about everything else. I guess that's what the Greeks called cathartic..
two things are coming home from this particular Easter. two brilliant moments of epiphany if you like..
1. none of the Gospels ever mention that Jesus was nailed to the cross. No nails I'm afraid. Which struck me on Friday and I found quite funny...
2. Jesus dies on a Friday and rises again on a Sunday and it's not only because none went to see him on Saturday, He just rose the third day. Why so? Because, methinks, it is not enough to die. You got to go down to hell to rise again.

John Barleycorn must die.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Political Thoughts in Random Order II _ Elections.

More political thoughts in more random order... don't really know where to start..
Yesterday and the day before were election days. 13 regions out of 20 were electing their president. Administrative elections they are called. That's it. And they are usually considered less important, but quite obviously, since everybody was voting media put a lot of emphasis on this. Fair enough.
Now, from my modest point of view, in administrative elections you have to choose between two fairly local candidates. Someone your dad has been to dinner with vs someone you have seen taking coffee with the major of your town who's a friend of your mum. And since they are gonna run the little practical affairs of you region for five years, I'd say you choose the one you think will do a better job. Regardless of what political party they are supported by.. this would be my attitude.
But no. In this electoral campaign everything and anything happened, except hearing from the actual candidates. Brief re-cap. All the major parties campaigned from Rome, with their own tones and slogans, even if the local candidates were not always in line with the whole thing. Berlusconi did his typical and overheard show of the victim and the great leader together over and over again. In Lazio and Milan the chap who had to submit the name of the candidate for Berlusconi's party to the judges, got bored of waiting for his turn, went to drink a coffee and was too late for submission. But you can't have elections without the governing party can you? No worries, no problem. In both cases they turned to the judges asking for mercy, at the end they were late for only five minutes or something trivial like that. Which is fair enough. But while the judges were pondering their decision, Berlusconi formulated and got approved in parliament a decree that basically said "if the judges don't want to readmit my candidates they are going to do it anyway because of this decree." Great. Some people protested, saying it was disgusting. If anything it was pointless, the candidate for Milan got readmitted anyway, the candidate for a province of Lazio didn't anyway.
In the meanwhile, Berlusconi decided that it was highly unfair that on the state TV people could be able to make talk shows with slightly leftist conducers and guests. At least under elections, every program should have had an equal number of people from the two parties. So he shut down every political talk show on the state TV channels.
Oh and in a gathering he promise to cure cancer in 3 years. which was quite grotesquelly funny.

And all this trouble for just administrative elections.. worth it?
Yeah worth it. Cose, come the day of the elections Italians vote right. And massively so. The whole Berlusconian campaign "vote with me or against me!" worked. People didn't vote the candidate, they voted to show their love or hate for the man. Northern Italy voted Lega Nord. Which is.. ehm.. imagine BNP, imagine it run by peasants, like actual peasants, then multiply the ideology of BNP by 10. That's the party we are talking about. Candidates belonging to that party run the whole of Northern Italy and they got the highest number of votes in most cases.
Other interesting points are: a lot of people voted Grillo, who is a comedian who just wants to mess about. And 37% (or sth like that) of people didn't vote.

so? so well.. the scary thing is that this is what people want. The majority of italians actually want Lega Nord and Berlusconi. They seriously think this is the best thing for the country. And so maybe it is. Let aside absolute right or wrong. If this is what people want then maybe it's the best thing for them. And if you don't agree.. well, then you should have shouted louder, or you can always emigrate. Because I fear a quite dark future for this country...

John Barleycorn must die.

Friday, March 26, 2010


If I were a drink I'd be a Gin&Tonic. Changing to Gin&Tomato in times of crisis.
If I were a day I'd be a Tuesday. Or Saturday morning.
If I were a month I'd be July.
If I were a season I'd be summer. Or winter. Or summer with snow..
If I were an instrument I'd be a flute.
If I were a song I'd be "Canzone quasi d'amore" by Francesco Guccini. Actually, I'd be any of his songs.
If I were a century I'd be the 19th.
If I were a revolution I'd be the bohemian/decadent.
If I were a historic figure I'd like to be Mickhail Bakunin.
If I were a poem I'd be one of Cesare Pavese's teenage ones, where is heart is splattered on the page and you can feel his pain. Or "The road not taken" by Robert Frost.
If I were a novel I'd be Crime and Punishment.
If I were a philosopher I'd be Friedrich Nietzche. Or Friedrich Holderling.
If I were a war I'd be WWII.
If I were a movie I'd be "Dead Poets Society."
If I were a continent I'd be Africa.
If I were a town I'd be Cambridge.
If I were an animal I'd be a jaguar. Or a falcon.
If I were a religion I'd be Catholicism.
If I were a God I'd be Dionysus.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The little child (or ultimate procrastination..)

sometimes I think it would be nice to be still a child. to go back to a time where everything wandered me, and everything was new and exciting. I would love to have back those innocent eyes, those ears that would refuse to understand the right thing and instead made up random words or phrases that ultimately were the walls of my parallel reality, my own little, crazy word. I would love to be able to resume the feelings and thoughts generated by every first encounter, and paint them in my mind so to track back the history of me and people.
It would be amazing to be still a child listening only to Mozart and the 883 and watching only Walt Disney.. to have back those strong values: this thing is either black or white - my mum would say - and black is right, white is wrong (or the other way round ...)
Because back there I had stable land marks, fixed ideas, morals and the shame. life was easier back there. and exciting. But childhood is long gone.. and morals with it. My moral compass, my foundations, all has been broken down in the storm that is growing up.
Don't get me wrong.. I love it. love being totally lost all the time.. just saying it was easier back there.. knowing where to start from..

John Barleycorn Must Die

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

No title

Funny that one of the most helpful songs now has to be this one...
Funny and sad at the same time...
Just a further proof that I can rise again from my ashes, I guess...

John Barleycorn must die.