Friday, October 15, 2010

London is calling and I.. I live by the river..

The river is miles away really. =(

London is the best place in the world for people watching.

My wardrobe is not cool enough for London..

I have a job. Or something like that.

Avenue Q is amazing. Made me feel light and happy.

Love been the youngest in my course.

I found that I can be a social butterfly. Loud and histerically smily.

I wish I has more time for people watching.

Got converted to ultimate frisbee.

I can walk anywhere in London.

Dislike the tube at peak-hour.

I have new clothes.

Went to see the recording of a TV show.

Plan to go on a celebrity hunt.

Loud music is the way forward.

Don't actually mind french house.

I smile every time I see business men (or women) in full suit and trainers.


Monday, September 27, 2010

Freshers

new uni, new life. or sthe like that, naturally...

I'm loving my staying in london. Loving having a proper fresher week. Loving being strong and mature enough to not care about anything. And yes seghe mentali will come... I can see them on the sky, as big as colourful butterflies... mmmmm.. but as I said che serà, serà. this time I'll let whatever will be, to be.

John Barleycorn must die.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Rage

Rage (and hate) has been my nest for oh, so many years, and now I need to get rid of it. To destroy my best defence all at once.
Am I mature and strong enough to do it?
....
....
we'll see....

John Barleycorn must die

Sunday, June 20, 2010

The end.

Not really the end yet. Still a week to go, but the feeling is the same.
The three best years of my life come to a close and I find myself dealing with empty feelings that can easily be summarised in a question mark.
What is gonna be next? Whatever it is, it's not gonna be the same. There will be no Fitz, no Cambridge and no strong emotions associated with them. Fact.
I think I made the most out of these three years. They will remain as definitely the best, and in 20 years time I will be able to talk about Cambridge with that sort of nostalgic lover look so characteristic of alumni.. oh dear.
I get the sneaky feeling it's all gonna be down hill from here. This should be the beginning of my real life, when the excitement of challenges, maturity and responsibility begins. And yet I find it hard to feel anything but a strong sense of nostalgia and apathy towards the future. Cambridge was the peak of my life and the rest it's just gonna be slightly disappointing.
Probably not a good mood to start life with....
.... eventually I will find the time to cry.
For now, let's all drink lemonade.
The end.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Heat

There's a spider on my laptop.
It's red. It goes up an down.. moving all around the perimeter of my screen.
It's hot.
The weather, not the spider.
But presumably the spider is hot too...
Wish I didn't have to revise and could enjoy the sun.
It's not gonna last.
The sun, I mean, but also the revision.
Cram, cram, cram.. for what? in two weeks is gonna be over.
What is the point?
There is no point.
It's like a sailing boat in the middle of the sea. No wind. Total calm.
Time will stop. And rush forward. But always giving you the impression there is no tomorrow.
Always, with the sun burning your skin.
We need a storm.
Rain on skin. Bare feet on grass.

The spider is gone.
Need sleep.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

emails

Why can I never bring myself to write an email, even when my life depend on it??
There is something intrinsically wrong with me..

John Barleycorn must Die.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Monday, May 03, 2010

Nuvole e Lenzuola

I wish I could stop time and give it another meaning. Or at least I wish I could be mature enough to get over it and stop lying to myself. Yes, I am a hypocrite and a lier. I always was. And now it's too late to change. So, as usual, I'll keep on the same, abused, smile and ignore the burning fire in my chest. I will pretend it's not there. I only wish I could pretend better and force my nerves and muscle to serve my will. But no. I'm not even a first class lier.. just a mediocre one. Great. Oh and I have no identity. that's the epiphany of the day: I am no one. But if I don't have an identity I can't lie can I? so being nothing makes me honest at the end... not sure if that make any sense.. I surely don't.


John Barleycorn must die.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Summer

it's procrastination time so here's my list of things I love about summer...

shorts and t-shirts re-appearing
sun
blue sky
flip-flops
pimm's and lemonade
general chilled mood
ice-creams
working in the library until late at night
long days
summer banter (yes it is different from winter banter..)
smiles
loud music
long walks in the sun
runs in the morning
walking through Fitz early when everyone is still asleep but the sun is up and bright
na caleya by la bandina
happy-smily-bouncy Deeds
orange
working in the kitchen
...

Monday, April 19, 2010

Are you happy?

" You are an enigma, Marghe, because you are an intelligent person. And I think that intelligent people cannot be happy, but you are always happy. Are you really happy or are you pretending?"

What was I to answer?
The question just struck me like a lightening out of the blue sky.
Premise, I am not always happy. As whoever saw me crying every day in the past 2 months would know... But it is true that I try to look happy as much as I can. And also, that yes, my life is essentially happy. Does that make me less intelligent? Probably, yes. Sometimes I think it would be worth going back to constant total agony just to be able to write poems again, or to understand people like I used to.. but is it really? My life is essentially happy and there's nothing I can do about it. That said it doesn't mean I don't have my moments of crisis in which I feel weak, lonely, scared, abandoned by the world and surrounded by all my old monsters.. but I also know I can win this fight. Yes, I can.
At the end, I think, there will always be the same amount of wine in the glass but you have to choose if seeing the full half or the empty half. I chose to see the full half. All the time. Does that mean I'm pretending? Don't think so. Just that I know that seeing the empty half can drag me to the grave...
... nevertheless, still pondering on my existence...

John Barleycorn must Die.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Memories

Hate them...
not all of them, don't get me wrong, just a certain type of memories. Those sneaky ones that pop into my thoughts, my day, my life, when I least expect them, and make my heart jump, and my mind derail. And for a second I get lost... in lies and truths, pain and hope, hate, love, identity, interpretations, reality and relativism.. all that whirling upon my head..

John Barleycorn must die.

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Resurrection

Just remerged from the utter amazingness that is the Easter Triduum. Head still full of all the songs and symbols.. ears and skin still feeling Marta singing (my God, her voice makes me shiver every time.. ).. heart still lifted with hope. It's amazing how these three days with their theatrical representation of pain and hope manage to make you forget about everything else. I guess that's what the Greeks called cathartic..
two things are coming home from this particular Easter. two brilliant moments of epiphany if you like..
1. none of the Gospels ever mention that Jesus was nailed to the cross. No nails I'm afraid. Which struck me on Friday and I found quite funny...
2. Jesus dies on a Friday and rises again on a Sunday and it's not only because none went to see him on Saturday, He just rose the third day. Why so? Because, methinks, it is not enough to die. You got to go down to hell to rise again.

John Barleycorn must die.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Political Thoughts in Random Order II _ Elections.

More political thoughts in more random order... don't really know where to start..
Yesterday and the day before were election days. 13 regions out of 20 were electing their president. Administrative elections they are called. That's it. And they are usually considered less important, but quite obviously, since everybody was voting media put a lot of emphasis on this. Fair enough.
Now, from my modest point of view, in administrative elections you have to choose between two fairly local candidates. Someone your dad has been to dinner with vs someone you have seen taking coffee with the major of your town who's a friend of your mum. And since they are gonna run the little practical affairs of you region for five years, I'd say you choose the one you think will do a better job. Regardless of what political party they are supported by.. this would be my attitude.
But no. In this electoral campaign everything and anything happened, except hearing from the actual candidates. Brief re-cap. All the major parties campaigned from Rome, with their own tones and slogans, even if the local candidates were not always in line with the whole thing. Berlusconi did his typical and overheard show of the victim and the great leader together over and over again. In Lazio and Milan the chap who had to submit the name of the candidate for Berlusconi's party to the judges, got bored of waiting for his turn, went to drink a coffee and was too late for submission. But you can't have elections without the governing party can you? No worries, no problem. In both cases they turned to the judges asking for mercy, at the end they were late for only five minutes or something trivial like that. Which is fair enough. But while the judges were pondering their decision, Berlusconi formulated and got approved in parliament a decree that basically said "if the judges don't want to readmit my candidates they are going to do it anyway because of this decree." Great. Some people protested, saying it was disgusting. If anything it was pointless, the candidate for Milan got readmitted anyway, the candidate for a province of Lazio didn't anyway.
In the meanwhile, Berlusconi decided that it was highly unfair that on the state TV people could be able to make talk shows with slightly leftist conducers and guests. At least under elections, every program should have had an equal number of people from the two parties. So he shut down every political talk show on the state TV channels.
Oh and in a gathering he promise to cure cancer in 3 years. which was quite grotesquelly funny.

And all this trouble for just administrative elections.. worth it?
Yeah worth it. Cose, come the day of the elections Italians vote right. And massively so. The whole Berlusconian campaign "vote with me or against me!" worked. People didn't vote the candidate, they voted to show their love or hate for the man. Northern Italy voted Lega Nord. Which is.. ehm.. imagine BNP, imagine it run by peasants, like actual peasants, then multiply the ideology of BNP by 10. That's the party we are talking about. Candidates belonging to that party run the whole of Northern Italy and they got the highest number of votes in most cases.
Other interesting points are: a lot of people voted Grillo, who is a comedian who just wants to mess about. And 37% (or sth like that) of people didn't vote.

so? so well.. the scary thing is that this is what people want. The majority of italians actually want Lega Nord and Berlusconi. They seriously think this is the best thing for the country. And so maybe it is. Let aside absolute right or wrong. If this is what people want then maybe it's the best thing for them. And if you don't agree.. well, then you should have shouted louder, or you can always emigrate. Because I fear a quite dark future for this country...

John Barleycorn must die.

Friday, March 26, 2010

If...

If I were a drink I'd be a Gin&Tonic. Changing to Gin&Tomato in times of crisis.
If I were a day I'd be a Tuesday. Or Saturday morning.
If I were a month I'd be July.
If I were a season I'd be summer. Or winter. Or summer with snow..
If I were an instrument I'd be a flute.
If I were a song I'd be "Canzone quasi d'amore" by Francesco Guccini. Actually, I'd be any of his songs.
If I were a century I'd be the 19th.
If I were a revolution I'd be the bohemian/decadent.
If I were a historic figure I'd like to be Mickhail Bakunin.
If I were a poem I'd be one of Cesare Pavese's teenage ones, where is heart is splattered on the page and you can feel his pain. Or "The road not taken" by Robert Frost.
If I were a novel I'd be Crime and Punishment.
If I were a philosopher I'd be Friedrich Nietzche. Or Friedrich Holderling.
If I were a war I'd be WWII.
If I were a movie I'd be "Dead Poets Society."
If I were a continent I'd be Africa.
If I were a town I'd be Cambridge.
If I were an animal I'd be a jaguar. Or a falcon.
If I were a religion I'd be Catholicism.
If I were a God I'd be Dionysus.
If...

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The little child (or ultimate procrastination..)

sometimes I think it would be nice to be still a child. to go back to a time where everything wandered me, and everything was new and exciting. I would love to have back those innocent eyes, those ears that would refuse to understand the right thing and instead made up random words or phrases that ultimately were the walls of my parallel reality, my own little, crazy word. I would love to be able to resume the feelings and thoughts generated by every first encounter, and paint them in my mind so to track back the history of me and people.
It would be amazing to be still a child listening only to Mozart and the 883 and watching only Walt Disney.. to have back those strong values: this thing is either black or white - my mum would say - and black is right, white is wrong (or the other way round ...)
Because back there I had stable land marks, fixed ideas, morals and the shame. life was easier back there. and exciting. But childhood is long gone.. and morals with it. My moral compass, my foundations, all has been broken down in the storm that is growing up.
Don't get me wrong.. I love it. love being totally lost all the time.. just saying it was easier back there.. knowing where to start from..

John Barleycorn Must Die

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

No title

Funny that one of the most helpful songs now has to be this one...
Funny and sad at the same time...
Just a further proof that I can rise again from my ashes, I guess...


John Barleycorn must die.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Poesie

E' quel periodo dell'anno in cui cominci a tirare le somme, guardarti indietro e decidere cosa salvare e cosa migliorare degli ultimi dodici mesi. Ancora non sono in quel processo, perchè.. beh, perchè ancora ho 5 giorni di quest'anno bislacco e poi perchè tra una mangiata e l'altra il mio cervello è troppo saturo per pensare. Tuttavia, ieri sera tra la zia che stava male e la mia personale depressione mi sentivo un pò giù... ma ecco che il quadernetto delle mie poesie di quando avevo tipo 16 anni è comparso magicamente! quindi l'ho preso, spolverato e cominciato a leggere.. non per tirarmela ma alcune sono proprio belle!!! insomma.. x avere avuto 16 anni erano dei capolavori..Ne riproporrei una, giusto perchè parla del tempo..

Volerò fino a te un giorno di questi
e ti canterò la mia anima.
Promesse e illusioni
di una vita rubata
al tiranno tempo.
Scivola via, come l'acqua
di un fiume sulle rocce
tingendosi dei colori dell'autunno
portandoli, fino alla primavera.
E di nuovo il giorno
e la notte
incalza, e si spegne
in un soffio di luna.
Emozioni vane
cambiano al ritmo
dell'implacabile lancetta.
La vita è un sospiro
portato dal vento:
nulla si salva.
Ne vale la pena?
Troverai la risposta
e sarai già cenere,
o sprecherai in pianti
i secondi risparmiati.
Nulla sopravvive.
In un attimo, il tuo animo
è già lettere incise sulla fredda pietra
o un semplice suono
citato a giovani menti incolte.
Ma lasciati dare un consglio:
l'amore sopravvive
unico, sulla morte furente:
ama! e vivrai in eterno.
Il tempo inclemente è figlio dell'universo,
l'amore ne è padre:
non prevarrà l'inesperto fanciullo
contro il vecchio saggio,
lasciati avvolgere da esso
e non morrai.

-30 novembre 2004-

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Political Thoughts in Random Order

Almost a week today Berlusconi was hit with a souvenir of the Duomo, right in front of the same church. Result: two broken teeth, broken lip, broken nose. I do not wish to comment on that: too many words have already be spent on the topic. I will only say that hearing of it from my shocked and almost crying granddad, it did sound like a bit of a joke.

Unfortunately, it wasn't. I take the fact as the action of a unstable person who - like most of us - got fed up with dwarf in front of him and - unlike the rest of us - reacted by throwing something at him. The end. But watching TV this past week I learned that this is far from being what happened. No. What really happened is that the opposition has being "creating a climate of hate and violence never seen before. They have instigated people to hate Berlusconi as a person and not as a politician and this is extremely dangerous." Maybe. True, I did miss two months of the panthomime that is italian politics but the few political discussions I did follow seemed as rude and uncivilized as ever. No big change there. So?

So every single member of the government has been emphasizing the role of such "climate of hate and violence" in the aggression. So much that one wonders if they are just playing a well rehearsed part or if they have been totally brainwashed. Mis Maria Stella Gelmini - with her bright purple glasses - has stated, full of passion and true adoration as she was, that the opposition is invidious of Berlusconi, his strength and personality, his immense political power and his being generally amazing. Quite a sad show if you want my opinion. This woman, I remind you, is the minister for education. The first thing she did as soon as she was elected (no, not elected, whatever) was to cut funding to universities, the second to cut the number of teachers in primary school, the last to cut the number of subject taught in high school. Probably the least liked minister of education in the past decade, and we had some seriously bad ones.

Anyway, back to the point. The aggression could happen also because of some inefficiency of the security around our prime minister. No doubt on that. 24 men failing to protect the only person they needed to protect, means that something went wrong. Even if only slightly. Last time I watched TV, an eminent member of Berlusconi's party was vehemently arguing against the silly journalistic idea to give a bit of attention to the faults of security. It's not relevant he shouts, we should focus only on the climate of hate and violence created by the opposition against our prime minister. Why is maintaining such climate so important for the government, I wonder?

But now we get to the interesting point. A week before this mess took place, a consistent amount of people (their website says a million, but I couldn't check it.) in Italy and around Europe took part in the No Berluscony Day. To organize so many people you need internet, don't u? Also, apparently on Facebook there were a few groups against Berlusconi, we are told these groups were very violent in tones. But don't try to search these groups now, they don't exist anymore. Because Facebook is the new devil (communism was a bit outfashioned it would seem), so the government is taking emergency measures to be able to control the web and close down dangerous sites. I don't know exactly how they will define a site dangerous, but I can easily imagine some of their criteria. Checking the PDL website it would appear that exponents of the party has already contacted Facebook managers to ask for collaboration in this attempt to stop this climate of violence. Still waiting for major reactions to this news. So far very few people seem to care about this.

In the meanwhile the law for short trials seem to be likely to pass, hence the whole of the parliament has agreed that rather than having hundreds of criminals outside prison it is better sorting out a law at personam to keep Berlusconi safe another 3 years.

In the meanwhile someone placed a bomb in a corridor of Bocconi University in Milan. It exploded at 3am the day after the aggression to SB, causing minor damages to a wall. A note with it signed FAI. TV news has been talking for days about this FAI = Federazione Anarchica Informale, supposedly responsible for about 20 bombs in the past 10 years. The whole thing sounded a bit wrong so I checked. Guess what? This Federazione Anarchica Informale does not exist. What exist is the Federazione Anarchica Italian who does not claim responsibility for, but on the contrary condemn the bomb.
Now, I'd better go and read their website more in depth before it is shut down.

Almost no mention of Copenhagen during this week.

John Barleycorn must Die.

Monday, November 02, 2009

Dejavou

Yesterday Nathan was feeling down and started walking towards the infinite, with me trotting along his side. Not a word was spoken. Just constant, blind, fury. All the way to the motorway, with Tesco's at sight. Silence.
And walking obstinately against the freezing night I remembered.
Remembered my own agonies - not that long ago - my afternoons spent with knife and wine as only companions, my anger against the person I was (and to be honest still am..). And I wanted to say something. To break the wall and console his sorrow. But realized, halfway through the thought, that none can break the wall. There is no word or smile that can heal your wounds...
and I felt old, a veteran of this, used to the practice almost to boredom but yet, a bit outside the circle at times. Actually most times. Me, of all people. Me, who only thursday considered the scissors while drinking from the bottle....
sitting by the highway watching the traffic, it felt like going back in time with the full moon witnessing our mad attempt to stop time in one tear.
at the end we came back, frozen to the bone, dancing on that bitter cheerfulness that only death leaves.

Walked into Ariadne's warm room and felt like another world. Colourful and happy. And she was in another world. The good old pathetic world that does not understand, not even trying hard, because they don't know how to understand. Or what to understand. And she wanted apologies, wanted me to ask him to stop drinking. My God. Who is she to ask that? She obviously doesn't know....... lived her cosy life for 20 years, without accidents. Warm in her pink douve playing the party of the worried friend. I felt tipsy and spaced out.

I definitely prefer the night. Cold and bitter. The bites of deadly agony occasionally calling from the inside, wanting their share of my life. The feeling that I'm in a war, in which whatever ending is determined by me.... lols. The wind in my face. The struggle.

John Barleycorn must die.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

God Bless Georgia

There are some things that you have been told over and over again, understood, but never quite fully assimilated until you try them on your own skin. During my month in Georgia I finally tried on my skin a number of things that I used to take for granted without fully knowing them... so here they are, in no particular order:
  • You never quite fully appreciate the immense challenges of measuring a meter squared before starting an archaeological dig.
  • You also never fully appreciate the concept of dust before starting an archaeological dig.
  • Homo Sapiens Sapiens is one single species all over the world, and despite small cultural differences (which make the exploration all the more interesting tbh) we are all essentially the same..
  • ... as a result I now firmly believe that if a good percentage of individuals would take the trouble to go in a different country and spend a period of time sharing their lives with people there we might be able to have no more wars.
  • The problem with this is governments. But that is precisely why we need to get rid of them and find a better solution.
  • The less you have the more generous you are.
  • The Georgian way, is better than any other way I've experienced so far.
  • Western countries lack (and terribly so!) in human contact, listening, generosity, altruism, social grooming and all that.
  • There is no money in the world that could ever buy nights spent with friends drinking and toasting for everything that matters.
  • Karl Marx might have had a nice idea but the most famous attempt to put it into practice not only was an epic failure but also a way of destroying culture and diversity.
  • When all animals are equal some animals are always more equal than others.
  • When equality is imposed it means been all equal in misery.. you really need to see the Georgian landscape scattered with grey concrete houses which are all identical to understand this.
  • Now finally Communism is dead and we can all feel free to drink Coke and go to MacDonalds, or better, drink coke in MacDonalds.
  • Or in other words, there is something in the human nature that makes us want to be all the same, but only if we have the illusion of being free to chose to be homologated.
  • My defense walls of cynicism, egoism and strength can be broken down. Indeed they have been destroyed and - amazingly enough- not only I've survived but I'm also probably a better person.
  • There is something in the human nature that makes you want to spend your life with one and only one person. Even if the world is full of fit rugby players. Even if that would make you spend less time with your friends and put some limits to your freedom.
  • "Sometimes love just ain't enough"
  • God exists.
John Barleycorn must die.