Tuesday, February 05, 2008


Just to be in contrast with the latest tendency of this blog... I should be writing an essay about plague and strategies for survival, instead, I'm listening to Ronan Keating and thinking, never mind, I like it this way. Despite the title I get the feeling this post will actually be about death, once again. It will be about strategy for survival as well, in his/my own particular way.
Just about a year a go I was writing " you cannot cancel God from your life only because people you love die.." I do not know if was that sentence that let to all that happened later on, what I know is that particular piece of writing made a friend become such. It was worthy. Now I'd like to say that sentence was wrong, totally wrong. I do believe death, exactly like love, makes one ponder about the deep meaning of life, including God. Only through death and love one can really decide how he/she wants to live and wether or not there is a God. I am, now, dealing with both death and love and struggling like never before to keep me sane, alive, happy... truth is I'm deeply upset. This feeling of total sadness, loneliness, abandonment is permeating every thought and action. I cannot think or concentrate on my work, I am simply lost. I've started this year with the best intentions and expectations, what I got is a series of deaths and bad news. I feel defrauded. I was happy, for the first time in my life. Now I cannot stop crying. Mascie-Talyor said that january is the most common month for committing suicide, it may be true, it may be only the winter and the rain..but it may be not. I do love life more than I've ever done, but I've lost confidence, everything seems again too big for me... I keep saying to myself "go on, this is the right place, you deserve it, all you have to do is relax take a step back and leave Cambridge to do the rest it will save you again and make you a better person, a proper one..." apparently it doesn't work this time... maybe I just need to sleep and take my time.. however, I need to find a way out, right now. I need a strategy for survival, a genetic, social or technological trick to survive this week!!! I need it now. I need a hug as well, a huge long one....I need to cry this all out.. I need to die.. rise the third day...

1 comment:

caitlinnairne said...

hang in there, chick, we'll get you through this xxxxxxx