Orfeo & Euridice

Orfeo: in tears I was looking, not for her, but for myself. For a destiny, if you like. I was listening to myself. My destiny never betrays. I was looking for myself. There is no other thing people look for. Seen from the side of life, everything is beautiful. But believe someone who has been among the dead. It's not worth it. And you people, keep enjoying the party. Everything is allowed to those who don't know yet. But it's necessary that everyone would go down to their hell. The origin of my destiny ended up in Ade, she ended while singing, according to my ways, life and death.

Bacca: but what does it mean that a destiny never betrays?

Orfeo: it means that it is inside you, it's your treasure; deeper than the blood, beyond every inebriation, no god can touch it. 

By (obviously) C.P. 

missing out

I miss (terribly) arch&anth people. 

I feel like I'm missing out all the archaeology and soch anth fun. 

I miss the people who made my year last year. My mates, my friends. 

I miss girly nights, parties, banter, midnight hot chocolates, castle mound frolics and chats. 

I really need to catch up. But it's not the time, because of bloody exams! 

Oh please please please, all you arch&anthers re-enter my life!!

The God Delusion

I've almost finished Richard Dawkins' highly controversial book. And I must say it's not that great. Well, the first 50/100 pages are just immense! terribly good and witty. The last 200 maybe 300 pages, are pretty good as well, very interesting and with some moments of pure genius and picks of hilarity. But the core chapters are just a bit dull and soaked with a rather too materialistic view. It's too easy to scientifically prove that God doesn't exist. Because God is not scientifically analyzable (in my opinion), you need that spiritual "sth more" to see the presence of God. Richard, however clever and well bred, obviously doesn't have it. Sorry. Oh and he's a bit full of himself too. Let's see how he is in person when he comes to talk to CU BASS. lol

however, I just found this quote which is probably worth the whole book (well, with some other genius-like moments..)

There is something infantile in the presumption that somebody else has a responsibility to give your life meaning and point.(...) Somebody else must be responsible for my well-being and somebody else must be to blame if I'm hurt. (...) The truly adult view, by contrast, is that our life is as meaningful, as full and as wonderful as we chose to make it. And we can make it very wonderful indeed. 

Followed by: 

However brief our time in the sun, if we waste a second of it, or complain that it is dull or barren or boring, could it be seen as a callous insult to those unborn trillions who will never even be offered life in the firs place? (...) The knowledge that we have only one life should make it all the more precious. 

Oh and he uses the word obnoxious as well, which is possibly my word of the week!

Overall a good read.

John Barleycorn must die. 

Answers in Genesis. 

Herzberg and I went down to London to hear this crazy chap talking about creation. Why we did it? God knows. It was like being punched in the face for an hour. Here are my notes, word by word. Enjoy. 

Our Creation museum teaches both points of view, but obviously teaches that one is WRONG!

The 7Cs= Creation, Corruption, Confusion, Catastrophe, Christ, Cross, Communion (not quite sure about the last one...)

"If the foundations are destroyed, what can the righteous do?" Psalms, 11:3

Genesis is the foundation of the Bible, if you take it away the whole Bible will collapse. 

I had this argument with a teacher who was saying that Genesis is just symbolic. Just symbolic?? The original sin was not symbolic! Otherwise we would all be symbolic sinners, which doesn't make any sense!! We ARE guilty!!

The holiness of marriage is stated in Genesis too. Because men and women are created from one flesh which reunite in marriage. If, say, we descend from apes, than this meaning is destroyed and all sort of sins can come in, even gay marriage!!

Also, why do you think we have weeks of seven days? Because of the Genesis! The world was created in 7 days, not billion of years!!

If we refute Genesis, than we are mining the authority of God. And we don't want a world in which man is the authority.

Darwin is responsible for the decline of Christianity in the West, especially in the UK. We are losing the Christian basis of the West. (So what?! say I)

We are under the Genesis 3 attack! = when God said "you should no eat for the tree of knowledge!" (is knowledge so terrible?) And the snake then tempted Eve by saying "Did God REALLY say that??"

= not accepting totally the word of God. Even the Church has succumbed to disbelief.

Evolution proves that you can't trust the Bible. 

Obama, in a statement, said that America is not just a Christian nation, but also a jew, moslim etc one. This is the beginning of the end!!

John, 13:2 If you don't believe the earthly things, how can you believe the heavenly things?

= if you don't believe in Genesis, how can you believe in the Gospel??

Those who invented evolution were sinners who needed a justification for not believing in the Bible and thus made up a story. 

The whole theory of evolution stands on the idea that things evolved in billions of years. But billion of years is a concept not even thinkable by the human mind!! there was never all that time.. the world was created in 6 days! (I don't have a problem in thinking million of years. Do u?)

Darwin influenced racism and school violence. In the '40s in america were teaching that we have 5 races. And Pekka-Eric Auvien, left a video in which he was calling himself naturalselector. (Americans are pretty fucked up, so what?!)

Darwin influenced atheism, which is obviously he worst thing in the world. Atheists use Christian who are willing to compromise (like Catholics) to destroy the Christian faith.

Darwin influenced the Church. He's buried in Westminster Abbey, the church is honoring this devil!

Evolution and the problem of death -->If your believe in evolution, you believe that death, suffering, disease etc. existed before Adam's sin. But in the beginning of the creation God said that all he created was good. Are we denying this fact?

Adam's sin is our sin. Everything from that point is our fault. What Hitler did is our fault. Because of the original sin= death. 

+ Geology is false. Layers of rock can be deposited in just 2 days by vulcan eruption. Which happened during the flood. By the same tokens fossils are just the rests of those sinners who died in the flood. God is making them appear= we should interpret it as a sign that a new flood is coming and all get on board of the Christian new Noah's ark..

The worst thing it that the church was packed with people nodding. Oh and kids. 

Now, I don't have a problem with personal believes but a) this was an insult to human logic. b) if that's the dominant power in America we do have a big problem.

Bring back the Middle Ages.

John barlerycorn must die

What is cambridge?

I should be writing an essay but at the moment I feel so frustrated toward people that this terribly deep  thought just stroke me. 

So.. what is Cambridge?

Cambridge is a bubble. A place outside the world, a universe on its own, rounded and perfect. A caleidoscope of opportunity. A platform for any career. A factory for people. Cambridge takes in kids and spits out people after only three years. You get into Cambridge without a clue on how to survive (in most cases at least) and in the space of few months u learn it. Wonder. 

It's not only about learning what you have to learn and do well in exams. It's more about learning how to write emails, and that u need to reply to them quick; enjoying all opportunities or at least as many as u can; interacting with people and creating life-lasting bonding; organizing your time; working in a team; learning that people could be frustrating and useless even when they have to be useful!; learning that friends are often NOT the best people to work with; learning what it feels like to lose and what to win. It's a challenge, to overcome all weaknesses and be strong enough not to be won by crisis and difficulties.

That's why I love it. 

John Barleycorn must die. 

Ciò che Dio unisce, l'uomo non sciolga!

I miss sitting down with music on and writing my heart out. 

I miss pondering over my past day and making resolutions for tomorrow.

I miss sitting with friends talking about politics until 4am.

or talking about God, or war, or whatever really until 4am.

I miss good food.

I miss a good night sleep.

I miss taking the bus to go somewhere... spending hours looking out the window and thinking.

I miss reading novels. 

I miss my bed.

I miss being in control of my life rather than waking up one morning to discover 6 weeks have gone without me noticing.

I miss a good cry.

I miss a good bitch. 

I miss having time to actually feel miserable or happy, rather than getting the feeling I should be miserable but I don't actually have the time.

I don't like my life going so fast. I want it to slow down again. And I want a meaning.. a dream to pull me on. 

need a holiday

I don't get it...

... there is a lot of thing that I don't understand, no matter how hard I try. I'll write down a list before it gets lost in the labyrinth of my mind (dangerous place..). So there u go.. 

I don't understand:

1. ... british poshness and politeness. Not that it isn't fascinating to watch the english but I seriously think they can't be imitated in their manners.

2. ... my political views. I know where I'm standing but at the same time I don't. My dream for a better world is too crazy and peculiar to find people who share it.

3. ... why I'm still too shy to go and talk to my lecturer. especially when I know I really need to.

4. ... the crazy little person in my mind who continuously forces me to make choices I don't fully understand. He (is it a he? bah..) has his own peculiar reasons and is so kind to warn me with dreams before bombing my conscious plans. Still I don't really get what his plans are...

5. ... Evangelic Christians. 

6. ... why I feel the urgent need to break down and cry. Mourning the death of my dream. And all the deaths I haven't had time to mourn properly. 

7. ... evolutionary genetics.

John barleycorn must die

OH DEAR

random thoughts in random order.

1. occupation. Cambridge students are occupying in favour of Gaza. Demanding the intervention of the university. On that point sir: the occupation seems far to civilized to me. They are being very polite and very british. No bombs, vandalism, shouts, incovenients for other students, nothing, just pacific protest. Good Lord! so different from Italy. I didn't go and probably won't. Not because I don't agree but in name of my old good principle of not getting involved. It's either me leading the revolution or me staying at home. I'm there in spirit tho. 

2. I'm here at 4 o'clock in the morning, anguish, a bit of wine and will to course. (not to quote Francesco there..) same silly behaviour. same panic. same me. hell yeah!! but good point is that I'm loving in it. good news innit? I'll probs go to bed in a tick just for kicks, just to forget about all this, cough and die. Good plan. 

In the meantime

John Barleycorn must die 

HAMLET

(or the page-worth of notes I took before going to see the play..)

What was the last time I've been writing?

Bah, months ago. I find myself in the ADC bar with my snotty nose ready run after a dream. Alone. And that dream is not mine anymore. 

Is this a jump in the past? An attempt of resurrecting the dream? 

I'd rather say I'm here for cultural reasons, for Shakespeare. Not that I believe in this but it comes as a consolation in this crazy life. I've been here for less than a week and I already feel the lack of sleep, I'll pay for my late nights. But not now. Now I'm busy running, doing, dreaming, hoping.. and god knows what else. 

It has been months since I last asked myself who I am and in what I believe. 

Do I still believe in something?

***play*** interval***

I believe in Hamlet. 

In beauty. In the immense poetry of a forgotten language; in the joy of understanding, in only a word out of a thousand. I believe in that visage. No, not in THAT visage, I believe in recognizing a visage unknown as it was familiar because I've been hoping in it. I believe in placing my hopes in hope, amen. I believe in running away from reality in any possible way. In the dark of a theatre before the curtains rise and after they fell again. I believe in silence and in the power of the word. In the white page and in the black ink. In the immortality of art. 

It's not a matter of " to be or not to be", it's more a matter of leaving a trace of our passage, or leaving without people noticing. 

Hamlet left a trace of himself.

And I? 

(just realized in Italian it sounded much better.. the trouble of translation..) 

Black Books

Customer: Excuse me?

Bernard: What? What!?

Customer: Do you have anything by Adam Philips?

Bernard: How would I know? Go to a proper bookshop

Customer: Look... there is no other way to say this, but I didn't come here to be insulted!

Bernard: Well, I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. You know, in another life, maybe we could have been brothers, running a small quirky taverna in Sicily. Maybe we would have married the local twins, instead of wasting each other's time here in this dump. But it was not to be... so hop it!

Fran: So what's it like then? The fags and booze.

Bernard: Well, to be honest, after years of smoking and drinking you do sometimes look at yourself and think...

Fran: yep..

Bernard: you know, just sometimes, in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that four hundredth glass of cornershop piss at 3am, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...

Fran: yep....

Bernard: .... "this is fantastic. I'm in heaven."

Bernard: Do you eat? I do. Do you want to do it in the same room, sometime?

Pondering & Feelings

I fear i got a bit carried away by dreams and thoughts.. as usual. 

And fever doesn't help, for what that matters.. shame.

I should really have learned my lesson by now: DON'T dream over people. 

Just don't. 

Cose reality is gonna hurt a lot more when u compare it to dreams.

Pretty straightforward, isn't it?

Then why can't I just remember it? 

John Barleycorn must die

...DAY-DREAMING...

"... because only in dream and death, oh my poor old man, we can find ourselves..."

Good old Cesare is always right, isn't he? 

We find ourselves only in death, I dare say. And in dream, because dreaming is death. It doesn't kill, it is death itself. The moment u start dreaming u enter the kingdom of death. U find yourself and struggle back, each time a little bit stronger. Each time having lost sth in the process. 

Dreaming is a sweet sweet suicide, that can be reversed if u wish so. 

This past week has been a dreamy week. 

And now I find myself in Ade.

With an essay to write 

and my spirit crying to leave me. 

...back to earth then... 

The Road Not Taken

I increasingly find myself not able to take a decision. Not that I was ever able to do so, but lately this wonderful inability has become a problem. Well, not a real problem. My life goes on smoothly even if I decide that I can't be asked and I'll just go on ignoring that I should have been making important decision. (sounds like a joke, I decide not to the decide.. mmm..) 

Robert Frost keeps up the illusion that my choices have a poetic dimension. But again, they usually involve choosing stuff like "shall I go to a play or to my friend's birthday party?" It's perfectly clear to me which one would be the road less travelled by, but it is at least as clear that if I take it that decision is not gonna make any difference. 

So now, I have to road diverging in front of me.. the less travelled by and the easy one. My contorted and masochist mind would say go straight for the less travelled by and the world can fuck off.. while my kanckered body and lazy heart would rather go for an easy peasy walk, perhaps even with the company of someone to talk to... 

Dilemma. 

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. "I exercise the right not to walk."

SBA

Got the idea.
Got all excited about it. Just like I was for the arch&anth dinner last year.
Started working for it (just because I was unable to concentrate on anything else).
Called for people to help around or at least show a tiny little bit of interested.
Got really crossed cose none seemed interested as much as I am.
Still excited. Still crossed.
Still willing to fight for it even if it will mean a massive crisis like last year and a massive amount of courage.
Still feeling lonely in my fight.
Because I'm not a person of action. I'm the one who sit there and contemplate and wait for the inspiration to write a poem.
But I've learned that u can't just wait for your dreams to magically realized.
U have to fight for them
And I will.
Fight.
Even if I don't like it.
Even if I'd rather sit and wait. and cry.
I'll get it done.

TOP 10

Top 10 people in the world...
well, the 10 people I admire the most or keep the best memory of...or just think are great..


1. Meave Leakey
2. Jane Goodall
3. Marta Mirazon Lahr (God know why she keeps that surname)
3. Robert Foley
5. Jay Stock
6. Francesco Guccini
7. Adam Jones
8. Massimo Bonola (nonostante tutto)
9. Gobetti (and all the partisans)
10. James Galway

FRIDGE MAGNET POEM

I've hoped, against hope,
one last time.
I've rejoiced in the happy illusion
and my heart cried with disappointment
when the evidence
(damned reality so crude and dry!)
proved I was wrong.
What now?
It's not a big deal
I know how to rise again from the ground
bring on Baccus and Tobaccus,
bring on happy desperation,
bring on life!

Song of the day,

Massimo di Cataldo, "se adesso te ne vai."

ESSAY BREAK

... bored of un-identified australopithecine bones I've opted for something slightly more fun. It goes like this: do u remember Amelie? the very beginning, when the voice lists 3 things that Amelie's parents love and hate.. I've always thought it is a good way of describing a person, u get a detailed idea of that person's personality (far too many "person" in this sentence...) only through what they like or not. so here we go.. Marghe's 3 Love & Hate

Love
pulling little stone out of my shoes soles (preferably with a pen)
smoking outside fitz at night and having small conversations with drunk fitzbillies who walk in in gown
waking up in the middle of the night getting the feeling I'm the only person awake in the world and stalk out of the window to see Fitz asleep

Hate
painted feet finger nails
getting the feeling to have done sth wrong
being forced to avoid people.

Of course there's a lot more to it.. but I did have only 3 spaces.. I'll write another list pretty soon...

John Barleycorn must die

CHAOS

Good old cambridge, good old chaos.
Looks like I'm not able to stay in the same place for longer than a few months. Not that I dislike it but I feel I could hurt people around me.
Point is: people just bore me. After a while. Whenever I get the feeling somebody is getting close enough to "touch my heart" (just not to quote Patty...) I turn round and run. Fact. And right before running I do all that is in my power to hurt that person, and show how cold, cruel, vicious and unpleasant I can be. So that I leave only surprise and a nasty taste behind me. And then, as said , I run. Fact.
people always try to make me stay, or at least understand. Waste of time.
I myself have tried to understand, but no explanation is satisfactory.
I'm like the dog that lets u stroke him until your face is close enough and then bites. Right there.

CAVE CANEM

John Barleycorn must die

HOME

back in the Bridge. Not much to say actually.. just that I'm increasingly realizing how much my life is driven by feelings and sensations.. I definitely make my choices only (well, almost only ) on the basis of feelings I get when I visit a place or meet someone. Going back to the LCHES today I felt home, a weird feeling tbh, and suddenly remembered how I've always felt home in that place. ergo, I probably chose to do bioanth just because of the feeling I get from that friendly environment... but, it is a good way of making choices? and most of all, will I always be able to find places where I feel home so much?
God knows..
... bioanth is the way forward for the time being tho!

John Barleycorn must die.

DE OZIO

I increasingly find myself staring at my laptop without really doing anything apart from being jealous of other people's exotic holidays, and listening to Kid Rock (btw, his last album is just awesome!!!) ... I get the feeling I should be doing sth productive, and clearly remember I did have a plan including loads of jogging and at least as much reading.. I do get excited in front of next term's lectures and think "oh yehay, I'm gonna to all the reading right now, and maybe even go through some of the lecture notes!! they are just too cool.." but then I do nothing but sleeping and waiting for watching Wanted.. It might be that it's too hot to move or even think but I really get the feeling I'm wasting my time, and still don't have the strength to react and do sth with it!!! I keep thinking I'll start tomorrow... but a month has come and past and tomorrow has yet to come....... I'm just lazy. I need cambridge to become productive... but cambridge won't come until october....................

right.. tomorrow I'll do sth productive, I swear! It's monday, always a good day to start....

LAME

It's not only because I got a terribly painful swollen foot at the moment.. but sometimes I really get the feeling I'm behind. I'm limping behind the others like an old pirates with a wooden leg.
It's not really true.. I know that I aim for to much.. reaching for the moon makes u forget that there is a planet under your feet, but when I do realize I need to walk on this ground I feel like I'm an outsider.
and I am perhaps.
some people just know how to succeed, I just don't. I live in my dreams, love them and take for granted that reality should be like them. keep forgetting that reality is just the good old crap. should I stop dreaming? seems like a solution. but not for me.
my dreams are my fuel. the only consolation when the monster inside me turns alive and nothing else could help.
I expect friends to understand.. but they can't.. who could?
Not even I get the meaning of all this. I simply live with it. But can't ask other people to share with me.. I know I can't. would be far too cruel. and yet I keep getting cross if people aren't able to understand, respect.. I get crossed when I find mediocrity in people I spend my time with.
I'm even starting to think I'm infinitely superior to the rest of the world (or at least well different). and that's bad. I'm still waiting for somebody like me... does this person exist? perhaps not..
perhaps I should just be content with what I got....
perhaps not

SABRINA

Maybe the Moon is reaching for me this time.
Not saying that it will come down the sky for me.
But at the moment I feel like I'm flying up to the sky without reaching for anything..
.. just flying.

And the Moon will notice. Maybe. Nothing is impossible.

Dritti alla meta e coquista la preda!

SYMBOLS

What restrains me? Same old fears. Same old idiocy. I've been deceiving myself with a promise of courage. No way. I'm still the good old loser. And so? Am I gonna win myself this time? Am I gonna fight this battle and prove myself I'm different? I will. But not for me. No. I'll do it for a dream. A dream which is clearly impossible, out of reach. I'm reaching for the moon, again. And the moon won't come to me. Even if I win this battle. It will still be there.. miles away from me. What's the sense of all this then? What am I fighting for? What I'm trying to reach. I know it's impossible. I know...
But I keep fooling my weak mind with promises of happiness. Is that right. I don't know.. but it's my fuel, my dream, my direction. And I'll follow it. Cose I feel it's the right direction. Even if the moon won't come down the sky for me.

LOVE LIFE

I'm rather pissed off.
with myself first of all.. I should have known my limits, should have remembered that I'm crap at organizing even my own life, should have known I'm fragile and unstable and under stress even if I pretend I'm not.
what was I thinking when I decided to put myself in this?
I'm sure it's gonna work at the end.. but I should have left the job to somebody stronger.

with people secondly.. there's no much they can do.. but they look/sound rather disinterested.. again, should have remembered people can't be bothered, which is a good strategy for survival, but risk sometimes keeps u alive and have a better pay off in the long term (if u don't fail miserably in between, of course..) I like to think that I'm taking a risk... and failing, as usual, but at least I'm doing sth.

with Liz, as a third term of this equation. Because friends are those who dry your tears, and are there when u need help. U can't have my friendship if all that is for u is a biscuit and being silly. Grow up woman, stop giggling and thinking only to your stomach and self-existence. generosity and maturity. that's what u lack.. U can live well enough without them but remember that people get annoyed after having noticed that there's nothing more than childish behaviour that u can offer.

I take it as a test, It's my fault, fair enough, but I will win this challenge and get my price. I don't care. I'll stop being nice and patient I'll be nasty, selfish and get what I want. end of story!!

and Thanks to Bella and Katie for cheering me up and being generally amazing!!!

ROMEO & JULIET



I have a dream...
... no body is dreaming it for me, tho
therefore it can't be real...
... u need to be 2 to make a dream real
dreaming together is reality...
... dreaming alone is port and cigarettes
and I can fall only for chain of gold...
... chain of silver is not shining enough
I can't do the talk like they do on tv...
... I don't wanna be that banal
I'm reaching for the moon...
... and the moon keep her sky
and doesn't move down...
... and doesn't look at me
perhaps it's better like this...
... but I'm in pain,
pain for the man of the moon..
...and my broken heart
cries silent tears of hope...
... and all I do is kiss u through the bars of a rime
and dream my dream for u...

CAMBRIDGE

How many post did I already write with this title? millions probably... who cares?
God didn't save Italy, but saved me! I'm back, determined to rock this term! amazing how only 5 weeks made me forget I much I love staying up until 1 am (when early) chatting with friends, and then walking in the rain and get all shining; rolling down hill to sansbury; going to the buttery; walking through Fitz feeling as home as I've never felt; laughing a lot; playing darts in the bar; decorating my room; unpacking with the feeling of being starting sth new and yet great; checking facebook hundreds times in half an hour... and so on... I simply love Cambridge!!! what more can I say?!
nothing, Cambridge says everything.
glad to be back!

ELECTIONS...

Elections should be the way in which citizens of a country express their preference and somehow influence the destiny of the nation. Is it really like that? Not in Italy. Here the main concern is on how to fire the same old, fake faces from our tv screens... here people get over-excited when somebody suggests a good strategy for making the next government last as less as possible and possibly showing those guys that everybody in Italy is tired of them. Encouraging.
Democracy should be the type of government in which people (demos..) govern, and make decision. In Italy, politicians are separated ethnic group, with it's own rules and it's own conception of reality, which is always slightly different from everybody else's point of view. Politicians are the only ones in the whole country that earn an awful lot of money without working, the only ones who still smiles and think that the future is pink. They don't share anything with the rest of the country, I might say they are not Italian.
But coming back to Elections. Choice is between a young good catholic guy who still kisses the hand of the Pope and Mr. Berlusconi who no more than 20 minutes ago proudly affirmed that Italian magistrates have brought 91 actions against him on courts. (at least half of which for corruption). Those bastards. Now, what am I supposed to do? Do we have a solution, or are we condemned to be governed by these people? Is there a way of escaping this (apart from getting a british citizenship right now..) or is this gonna last for ever?
who knows... 24 hours to the elections... God save Italy

THE GLASS MENAGERIE

Tonight and only tonight, thanks to the wonderful job of Tennessee Williams and Josh, I realized how much have I changed.. and what a beautiful person I've become. It's not a matter of arrogance, just of self consciousness. I used to be a sort of mixture between the shy desperation of Laura Wingfield and the boiling anger/boredom of her brother. I used to see the world through a gigantic glass menagerie. I used to cry. Now, I'm over it, I'm alive. Now I can sit in a theatre and watch all of it and feel distant, free. I'm out, running in the wind, feeling the sun on my skin, knowing that I'm alive. I am a full, autonomous person. That doesn't mean I'm not crashing into every possible mistake ever, no, but this mean I'm happy to crash into mistakes and not terrified of living anymore.
When I came out of the theatre earlier, I was truly happy and walked up castle mound and looked the world down and felt incredibly powerful. The wind was blowing me away, Cambridge under me was shining of lights and history, and I knew this is my place. This is the place I belong to. It was just waiting for me. Or maybe I was waiting for Cambridge to open my mind and heart and blow away the curtain of depression above my eyes. And I, well I sounded my barbaric yawp over the rooftops of the world.

I thought it was over.
It was not.
I thought I was safe.
I was not.
I thought I won myself.
I had not.

I am still, or perhaps, once again,
on the edge of the gorge,
completely alone,
struggling to keep myself up.

Nobody but me can help,
nobody,
and I have not the strength to win
to stay up.
I am slowly sliding down.
down
down
down

BEPE'S BACK!!!

Back to reality.. back to myself!! oh joy... I am still the old clumsy loser, still the same inveterate dreamer, still Bepe. Despite the appearances, I'm glad of it. Found my self desperately trying to understand other people by supposing they are like me... found myself walking alone imagining situations that will never happen... found myself happy with that!! and yet, if I was confused by the language, I found out that people are the same all over the world, different cultures maybe, but same fears and dreams, if I trust my abilities I still can project myself in other people's mind and understand them without translation and treasure what I've found. I still can do it!!! I have not lost that gift, perhaps my only one... that makes me happy.
That doesn't mean I'll obtain what I'm struggling for, nor that will use my gift to surprise people as I have done in the past... no, this time I'll keep it as my last resource, I deserve to be valued for other features. Still getting to know that I haven't lost my identity make me feel home. Welcome back Bepe...

DREAMS.....

Once again I need the help of Sigmund Freud to try to give a sense to my twisted psyche... once again, I realize he's damn dead.. so once again I ask people to listen to my weird, silly dreams and give them some kind of interpretation... ready? here it is:

PREMISE: (mmm... being this a public space I won't use real names, and indeed I don't think they matter that much...) Friday night I drunk a little bit too much, lately this always throws me in a silly sad mood, so while everybody is dancing and having fun I seat in a corner and think " bloody island!"... in addition to that there is the annoying fact that I happen to fancy somebody, this always throw me in a silly sad mood, with or without alcohol. Hence, since 1+1=2 friday I was in a particularly silly/sad/jealous mood also due to a considerable number of girls dancing around (and not only around), my Guido of the moment. Fine. I went home, talked and laughed a bit with a friend, he made me knock on Guido's room to say goodnight, I was completely pissed by that time so I just laughed for a solid 10 minutes.... then straight to bed.... and dream.....

DREAM: I've dreamt the exact scene, me and my friend in the corridor, laughing, knocking on Guido's (not heaven's) door...all normal..but the dream went on and Guido said (I don't remember the exact words, it was sth on this line tho..):" Why the hell are you jealous?! even if I appear to fancy one of these girl, is only for one night, keep hoping, you are my future..." Something like that... I'm not even sure my dream was in english...

I've asked my friend who studies psychology but she was just too keen in reassuring me and her interpretation quite fast.. any ideas? thanks a lot

LIFE

Just to be in contrast with the latest tendency of this blog... I should be writing an essay about plague and strategies for survival, instead, I'm listening to Ronan Keating and thinking, never mind, I like it this way. Despite the title I get the feeling this post will actually be about death, once again. It will be about strategy for survival as well, in his/my own particular way.
Just about a year a go I was writing " you cannot cancel God from your life only because people you love die.." I do not know if was that sentence that let to all that happened later on, what I know is that particular piece of writing made a friend become such. It was worthy. Now I'd like to say that sentence was wrong, totally wrong. I do believe death, exactly like love, makes one ponder about the deep meaning of life, including God. Only through death and love one can really decide how he/she wants to live and wether or not there is a God. I am, now, dealing with both death and love and struggling like never before to keep me sane, alive, happy... truth is I'm deeply upset. This feeling of total sadness, loneliness, abandonment is permeating every thought and action. I cannot think or concentrate on my work, I am simply lost. I've started this year with the best intentions and expectations, what I got is a series of deaths and bad news. I feel defrauded. I was happy, for the first time in my life. Now I cannot stop crying. Mascie-Talyor said that january is the most common month for committing suicide, it may be true, it may be only the winter and the rain..but it may be not. I do love life more than I've ever done, but I've lost confidence, everything seems again too big for me... I keep saying to myself "go on, this is the right place, you deserve it, all you have to do is relax take a step back and leave Cambridge to do the rest it will save you again and make you a better person, a proper one..." apparently it doesn't work this time... maybe I just need to sleep and take my time.. however, I need to find a way out, right now. I need a strategy for survival, a genetic, social or technological trick to survive this week!!! I need it now. I need a hug as well, a huge long one....I need to cry this all out.. I need to die.. rise the third day...

PEOPLE....

I realize only now how much do people matter in my life... I'm not talking about the sad period of my life in which not knowing myself made me desperately try to copy/become like other people... still, every single great decision in my life has been made because I met somebody who with his/her simple living made me feel deep inside the need to give my life a precise direction, it doesn't matter if that particular resolution lasted for years or just for few minutes, what matters is that some people somehow did change my life! names are too many to remember them all... off top of my head: Cesare Pavese, Cristina, Rebecca, Monica, Sarah, Diego, Fuma, my 2 grandmas, Giovanni (both ones), Massimo Bonola, Adam Jones, my mum, my dad, Don Massimo, Federico, Jay Stock, Alan Macfarlane... and many many others.. I cannot find words enough to thank you all for making me the person I am, for having guided my choices to this place and this life! there is a reason for everything, probably you are the deepest reason of my choices.. thanks...
people do matter a lot in our life, if could only collect all that they have to teach us we would live far better... my resolution remains the same: dedicate my life to people, because they brought me from death to life!
thanks

MELANCHOLY

I've already demonstrated in my dissertation how melancholy and genius are strictly related being the former the source of the latter... however, I'd like to add that the conviction that you may be a genius doesn't help at all when all your mind and body are filled up with unbearable sadness. Thinking that you may be remembered for ever for your inestimable work of poetry, doesn't make you feel better when you see that you are actually a loser. Real life is a tricky business, that's all I have to say. Being thrown in the world after you've been living only in your mind for ages might be a bit painful from time to time... and I'm slipping, again, in the tortuous ways of my imagination, I'm feeling again how is it like to be in and outside the world at same time, to be lonely like none has never been, to be so weak and yet so powerful, I'm tasting again the deepest melancholy of my soul and loving the bitter, I feel so close to the gods, I'm actually dancing on the razor that separates life and death. The choice between absolute triumph and total rout it's only in my hands. I'm the master of this bloody show.
It's all in my mind.
The whole world.
In my mind.

DEATH

This is NOT gonna be a remake of J. Stock lecture... this is more likely going to be a requiem, here I cry Giovanni, and with him my 2 grandmothers, never cried enough, and all the special people who left this world.
I will not say they left too early, I do believe people always leave at the right time for them and for the others: there is a time for everything, even for dying. Still, I feel that life without Giovanni will be different, as it has been without my grandmas... people leave an empty niche which will be fill with tears, memories and dreams. People leave a sign in our lives, they become our heros, our stars. Their departure leaves a mark.
But we, the survivals, should keep on going, carry on the show, this bloody empty show, (the show must go on) and make treasure of everything we've learned from the once living. I'll go on, can't stop actually, but I know one little piece of my heart is now gone, in a grave, with him.
Just want to thank for the incommensurable chance I got to know him, thanks for the smiles, the wonderful words, for your happiness, your dedication, your love, thanks for holding my hand that day in church, thanks making me feel special, thanks for having crossed my road, thanks for having lived so closed and yet so far from me, thanks for your life. Thanks, wherever you are now, thank you!!!
And I hope I'll stop crying at a certain point...

"I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye..."

Rest in Peace

CAMBRIDGE.....

Here I am, back in the 'Bridge, back to life.
This time, I know how does this life work, I know what to do and how, I know my daily routine...
I can stop worrying about what will happen to me and start to enjoy every single second, every single opportunity...
I realized I have no time for dreams, cose I'm already living one, but also and above all, cose they are what have ruined my life...
No more dream, it's time to size the day...
I'm stronger this time, I know that I can go back to the other half/live and survive...
I know what to do with my time, my life, the academic part of it..
I know what to do with myself
No more fears..
Cambridge saved me.

INCONTRO

Un anno è passato, volato come un battito d'ali o lo schiocco di una frusta...un anno, di cui gli ultimi due mesi sono valsi come una vita, un anno esatto da quando tu, amico mio, bussavi alla mia porta...ah, allora credevo che ogni rintocco del battente fosse un battito di speranza per il mio cuore, allora trepidavo e fremevo e mi preoccupavo di rispondere col tono giusto... oh ci penso ora e come mi sembra futile, che perdita di tempo, perchè mai? cos'era quel tuo bussare infondo? un soffio leggero del vento sulla soglia. Perchè mai m'affannavo a spiarti dalle finestre in ansia? neanche avessi avuto una treccia da gettarti dalla torre, neanche fossi stato tu, il più ardito o valoroso o anche affascinante dei cavalieri. Oh, come mi sembra sciocco ora... e quanto sciocca ero io nell' impiegare così la mia già breve esistenza! Eppure, eppure, in qualche modo amavo discorrere con te, non che fossero vere discussioni, l'arte dell'ascoltare non è mai stata il tuo forte e probabilmente mai lo sarà; e ogni volta mi sorprendeva come riuscissi a fare chilometri per parlare con me e poi decidessi di colpo che avevi di meglio da fare, quel modo brusco con cui ti avvalevi del silenzio per eruttare i tuoi pensieri e poi il tuo sparire così. Io rinchiusa nella torre, senza mai mostrarmi davvero ascoltavo, ridevo anche, non ho mai avuto nessuno che mi ascoltasse e di certo non lo avrei chiesto a te, ma essere zittita così era seccante..... Eppure, eppure, in qualche modo ero felice nella mia beata illusione di essere l'unica, o quasi, a poter scorgere un cuore oltre la corazza e speravo invano di poterti convincere a smettere l'armatura, la difesa e mostrare quell'animo gentile... sciocca illusa, come perdevo il mio tempo! non avevo questi privilegi e mai li avrei avuti, l'unica mia attività era la fantasia, il sogno, e avevo tessuto su di te favole degne di Omero, tutte fandogne, sciocchezze da ragazzina, ora lo so e ne rido..Che motivo avevi tu, di spogliarti di una corazza decennale difronte a una sconosciuta? nessuno...
Eppure, eppure, ti devo ringraziare per aver colorito di poesia momenti altrimenti morti di quest'anno lungo e strano, per avermi fornito, a volte, il carburante, la spinta emozionale gisusta per andare avanti con un sorriso, per godere di un tramonto svedese e apprezzare appieno la gioia del vento alla pelle. Per avermi illusa e accompagnata, per avermi ascoltata per quel poco che sai fare tu, per avermi donato le gioie e i pianti più sinceri di quest'anno. Grazie.

E pensavo dondolato dal vagone,
cara amica il tempo prende, il tempo dà,
noi corriamo sempre in una direzione ma,
quale sia e che senso abbia chi lo sa.

Restano i sogni senza tempo,
le impressioni di un momento,
le luci nel buio intraviste da un treno,
siamo qualcosa che non resta, frasi vuote nella testa,
nel cuore di simboli pieno.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Here we go, another year has come and passed, but this time looking back I can see how my life has changed in these 12 months ... and looking forward I can see (or only imagine?) how wonderful will be next year!!! for the first time I can say I'm alive... for the first time I'm deeply happy and I feel that all my dreams are just about to become reality because I'm finally strong enough to stand for them and size the day... so Merry Christmas everybody, and best wishes for next year, which is surely gonna be fantastic!!!

GOING HOME...

Here I am,with my half smashed face, packing my stuff with a funny sad mood covering all my moves like a cover...I don't wanna go. I'm living in a dream, I don't want to weak up. I fear that these 2 marvelous months could not be enough, that all my achievements, my goals, all the strength I now feel in my flesh, in my hand, could disappear as soon as I reach that bloody soil. I know, I know, we are who we chose to be, still I'm scared. I don't wanna go. Let me dream a little bit more.... let me here please... let me feel that I deserve to live, that I'm not shit, that I am. please, let me stay in Cambridge...............

FAREWELL

E sorridevi e sapevi sorridere, coi tuoi vent'anni portati cos',
come si porta un maglione sformato su un paio di jeans,
come si sente la voglia di viver che scoppia un giorno e non spieghi il perchè,
un pensiero cullato, un amore che è nato e non sai che cos'è.

Giorni lunghi, tra ieri e domani, giorni strani,
giorni a chiedersi tutto cos'era, verdi ogni sera.
ogni sera passare su a prenderti con quel mio buffo montone orientale,
ogni sera là a passo di danza, salire le scale
e sentire i tuoi passi che arrivano, il tinninare del tuo buonumore,
quando aprivi la porta il sorriso ogni volta mi entrava nel cuore.

Poi giù al bar, dove ci si ritrova, nostra alcova,
era tanto potere parlarci, giocare a guardarci,
tra gli amici che ridono e suonano, attorno ai tavoli, pieni di vino,
religione del tirare tardi e aspettare mattino,
poi una notte lasciasti portarti via, solo la nebbia e noi due in sentinella
la città addormentata non era mai stata così tanto bella!

Era facile vivere allora, ogni ora,
chitarre e lampi di storie fugaci, di amori rapaci
e ogni notte inventarsi una fantasia da bravi figli dell'epoca nuova,
ogni notte sembravi chiamare la vita a una prova.
Ma stupiti e felici scoprimmo che era nato qualcosa più in fondo
ci sembrava di avere trovato la chiave segreta del mondo.

Non fu facile volersi bene, restare assieme
o pensare di avere un domani e restare lontani,
tutti e due a domandarsi con chi sarà, in ogni cosa un pensiero costante,
un pensiero lucente e durissimo come il diamante,
e la notte lasciarsi portare via da un emozione non piena non colta,
rivedersi era come rinascere ancora una volta.

Ma ogni storia ha la sua conclusione, stessa illusione,
il peccato fu creder speciale una storia normale,
ora il tempo ci usura e ci stritola in ogni giorno che passa correndo,
sembra quasi che ironico scruti e ci guardi irridendo,
e davvero non siamo più quegli eroi pronti assieme ad affrontare ogni impresa
siamo solo due foglie aggrappate su un ramo in attesa.

the triangle timples and the trumpet plays slow

farewell non pensarci e perdonami se ti ho portato via un poco d'estate
o qualcosa di fragile come le storie passate;
forse un tempo poteva commuoverti, ma ora è inutile credo perchè
ogni volta che piangi o che ridi non piangi e non ridi con me.

EEGHA!!!

I was wrong.. I was damn wrong! But I've learned not to judge anymore and this is quite good after all! bloody italian culture always trying to judge people..
Anyway, I thought that Cambridge lecturers were kind of genius, serious people devoted to their research. And they are actually, but they do also find the time to challenge their superior intelligence with film like EEGHA!! and that's something amazing! sitting in a room with the most clever people in the world lathing at a crap (REALLY CRAP!!!) cave-men film was the highlight of my term! I do have the prove that intelligence and madness go together... oh,I am so happy now.. now I know that after all I'm not here by mistake...lol...brilliant!!! and EEGHA everybody!!

THE PAST...

It's coming back with insistence in these days..dunno why...I keep throwing those images and feelings to the back of my mind, I keep ignoring them..still, they are here like nightmares, annoying little flash of sadness, awfully real and still so far from me...weird feeling...I am changed, I am new person, I am not gonna listen to those silly voices..not now...not now that I am sure I am still the same bloody loser but an happy one!!!yes, that's what I am..an happy loser...I am gonna survive, once again...

BIG BROTHER IS WACTHING YOU...

Yesterday I went to the Fitz Carrers Event, just for fun actually (well and free food later..)cose if I really am to do what I want at the moment I don't need to be embployed by anyone, expecially not by a rich tv man with a texan jaw and a wearing a scarf in the typical berslusonian way. No thanks. Anyway, they basically sayed that you need to fight to get in anywhere, you need to fight a lot. Now, that was exacly the point of our lecture about socanth theory, these new victorian aristocratic men where saying me " life is a struggle for survival, and only the fittiest survive." Great. But, if theat's true I should have died 15 years ago, which I did not and I think I am doing pretty well since then. Conclusion: evolutionism, struggles, money all that kind of stuff might be important for certain kind of people, but it is not the only thing that matter. We do remeber only thiny, ill men, who weren't rich at all but able to write masterpieces like Ulisses, or Romeo and Juliet. We do not remeber the fittiest. The only people who survive time are considered looser by their contemporary, but genius by the next generations. Ergo, I am not gonna fight for a place in Tv. whatsoever.

REQUIEM

Now I know for sure that I am dead. I have been dieing slowly but inesorabily....little by little, every single to day, until this point..and now that I'm here I feel free, light like a butterfly even almost ready to my final challange, now I know, I feel, I have the strenght to win...Ite, missa est.

PONDERINGS & FEELINGS...

First of all, I should being writing an essay about sex and gender but my mind is just miles away...lost in translation probably...Yeah, translation, I need to start to think in english cose translating everything is a bit hard and terribly tiring...
Secondly, I have promised Bela to write a post in english and here it is..even if I know for sure that nobody will comment it...
Third, I am a bit confused...It's weird to see a new life and the same old feares mixing up...It's like I have the unique opportunity to start sth complitely new, a new, strong personality, and yet again these bloody old fears and defects are coming to vist me every time a feel tired...just need to sleep a bit more probably, and have a bit more of selfestime..

THOUGHT OF THE DAY...

taken for granted that nobody's free but we're all culturally determined....althought...

WE ARE WHAT WE CHOOSE TO BE.

DIFFERENZA DI STILE...

Stamattina, mentre mi trascinavo in bagno ancora avvolta dal tepore del letto, mi sono imbattuta nella mia vicina di stanza che vagava altrettanto svampita per il corridoio indossando pigiama e stivali imbottiti ( sembra che abbia perso le scarpe a una festa quindi nn le rimangono che quelli..)..il dialogo è stato più o meno questo...

LEI: have you got a clock?
IO: eh?!
LEI: a clock!
IO: ah..ehm..
LEI: do you know what time is it?
IO: sth between 8.30 and 9...I guess, but I can check in a minute (notare la perfetta padronanza dell' inglese a quell'ora infame del mattino..)
LEI: oh thanks..

Beh per farla breve erano le 9 meno un quarto, quando glielo comunico lei mi guarda svampita(cosa piuttosto normale) e fa : "oh I've got a lecture at 9, dunno if going or not.." A quel punto io avrei cominciato a correre come una scema per tentare di andare..sopportando perfino l'onta immane di arrivare in ritardo..lei ci pensa un po e poi torna a dormire..credo che nn abbia fatto altro tutto il giorno..

CAMBRIDGE 07

Sono finita in una bolla di vetro...un piccolo mondo a se stante dove il tempo corre troppo veloce inseguendo un milione di diverse attività, lezioni, emozioni..un luogo dove nessuno giudica, tutti sono alla pari e sanno di esserlo, dove la gente si sbatte per aiutarti, dove anche se non capisci una mazza di inglese (come me!) troverai sempre qualcuno che ti regala un sorriso...dove si sono riuniti i ragazzi più belli, galanti, intelligenti e ricchi d' inghilterra ( tutti fidanzati non credete..)..dove gli studenti sono protagonisti indiscussi e tutto gira intorno ai giovani, dove non sei solo un numero, ma una scommessa...dove sei costretto a stare concentrato 24 h su 24 e non mollare mai....una specie di piccolo paradiso insomma, esigente, ma pur sempre un paradiso...

...indietro non si torna...

2 DAYS TO GO....

...surprisingly, I'm not scared anymore...at the moment I just want to leave : If I have to that the sooner the better...Just wanna have a last beer (well perhaps few last beers) with my friend ad jump into this new adventure, with all the good and bad things it can bring to me...moreover all my class mate have already started unversity: I feel a bit late...I'm sure I won't have enough time to say goodbye to everybody..I'd really like to meet everybody one last time, expecially people whose friendship I know I will probably loose with the distance..but it's life...here I took the occasion to thanks all the people who had come through my way even if for a single day...Thanks, many thanks, from the depth of my heart!!!
and now go Bepe...go....

THE FINAL COUNTDOWN

Another song...just cose music always helps....9 days left...my unconsciuos is so stupid that works too hard and I'm always tired...today I've sent most of my things to Cambridge and I'm ready to pack up my luggage even if I've still a week to that!!!
well I only hope that these 9 days will run over quickly!!!!

I'M LAEVING ON A JET PLANE....

Well, I am not, that was Janis Joplin,still I think is a good title for a post (or song...).....I thought I'd better restart to write in english just cose I gotta get used to that...I am putting all my clothes on the bed trying to decide which one I should bring and which not...It's an hard job,ya know, I have to chose what I want to wear for the next 2 months!!!I've never done anything like that...and I have to look everything a decide if it is still in a good condition or not...and while doing that I have not to think that I'm leaving, otherwise I'll start panicking...uf...uf...uf,....why leaving is so scaring?????
It's the final count-down..17 days left....well 16 and a half.....prrrrrr

2

Non c'è spazio per due, non c'è mai stato....uno e un' ombra, al massimo, se proprio dev'esserci l'ombra....un solo termine di paragone, un solo stile possibile, un solo insistente, nauseante modello, un solo obbligo o aspettativa che sia....all'ombra è richiesto di eguagliare in tutto il modello e qualunque risultato benchè sudato è comunque il minimo indispensabile per pretendere di avere il proprio spazio ritagliato nel fango...un solo elogio disponibile...due trattamenti drasticamente opposti...la sensazione costante che non c'è posto, proprio non c'è, è inutile discutere...per me non c'è posto qui, mai stato...e allora non mi resta che curvarmi e scomparire....e pregare di non dover tornare più...

MUMBLE MUMBLE

Dunque...comp nuovo, vita nuova...sempre che riesca a capire tutto ciò che codesto nuovo compagno vuole dirmi...ho già dei seri problemi a scrivere punti invece che virgole....vabbè vabbè...oggi è arrivato un nuovo pacco da Fitz (fanno fuori 1/10 di foresta pluviale solo a Cambridge secondo me) che conteneva il Fresher's handbook e altre informazioni utili....sembra che da quando metto piede sul inglese io sia coinvolta in una serie tendente a infinito di feste e attività ricreative di vario genere,ma soprattutto festoni...spero studino anche questi qua ogni tanto!!!!in ogni caso ho deciso di iscrivermi alla squadra di rugby femminile e ciò è un sollievo perchè ho una decisione in meno da prendere....torna il terrore da partenza a piccole dosi....ogni tanto mi ritrovo a pensare a come farò a farmi degli amici e parlare con tutti questi sconoscuiti, prorpio mentre dovrei sforzarmi di capire il contributo di Durcheim alla sociologia classica....intanto aspetto con ansia i mondiali di rugby per distrarmi un po...(e imparare 2 regole...)

....follow your heart....

Solo un pò di poesia....

La Fede

Vita, Bellezza. Sei malata. Ho il cuore
stanco di pianto. Albeggia in me il terrore.
Eppure non so credere che tu
possa morire, fino a che amerai.


Il cerchio della vita

Lo spirito mi levò alto, subito l'amore
mi richiamò. Il dolore lo piega più violento.
Così percorro l'arco della vita,
torno da dove venni.

Friedrich Holderlin

29 Settembre

Comprato ciabatte nuove, jeans perchè i miei erano in fondo, 2 copripiumone, manca il piumone che verrà acquistato presto insieme al cuscino, fatto inventario delle maglie, polo, pantaloni, giacche, mutande e calze, comprato vestito nero elegante per le grandi occasioni, preso appuntamento per vaccinazione contro la meningite C (quanti tipi di infiammazioni possono venire alle mie meningi????). Comprato biglietto aereo.
Sto proprio partendo.

Doppio post folle N.101.06

Due cose da riportare. Una bella,una nè bella nè brutta. Cominciamo da quella bella. Stamattina ho rivisto Giovanni, dopo mesi di assenza e malattia, lacrime e preghiere. Si è seduto vicino a me e stavo per scoppiare a piangere, onestamente non so con quale volontà ho trattenuto le lacrime. Evviva!Non so se la mia gioia di oggi durerà a lungo, però oggi bisognava festeggiare e piangere,perchè no? Che sia un caso che l'abbia incontrato proprio in chiesa?chi lo sa...però ci sta una canzone, una delle mie preferite tra l'altro:

Celebrate Dio con me
e per sempre la sua bontà,
nel dolore gridai a Lui,
mi trasse in salvo mai più temerò.

Seconda cosa, che vuole avere il carattere di una semplice considerazione. Ieri ho avuto la mia opportunità per dimostrarmi che sono pronta a partire. Il risultato è che ora so che non sono pronta. Non per quell'aspetto almeno. In realtà è andato tutto bene, a parte il ritardo la corsa forsennata e la risultante ascella pezzata, ero giusto un pò tesa, niente di che.Ed è stato tutto praticamente perfetto, una mezz'ora incantevole. Però l'obbiettivo era di tornare a casa paralizzata e tremante, invece è rimasto un tarlo in fondo alla mia mente per tutto il tempo e alla fine ero pronta a partire per Varallo con la solita speranza inutile. A questo punto non rimane che affidarsi Holderlin:

Vieni, placami, voluttà delle Muse celesti
che un giorno conciliasti gli elementi,
al suono della pace dei celi ordina la lotta furiosa
finchè nel cuore umano gli opposti si uniscano.
La natura antica degli uomini, calma, grande,
si levi forte e limpida dal fermento del tempo.
Torna al nostro cuore indigente, o vivente bellezza,
torna alla mensa ospitale ed ai templi.
Poichè Diotima vive come i fragili fiori all'inverno,
ricca del proprio spirito, ancora cerca il sole.
Ma il sole dello spirito, il mondo più bello, è caduto
e nella notte gelida urlano gli uragani.

Due soluzioni mi si aprono dinnanzi (come le famose due strade di Frost):
1. dire con tutta me stessa "bah!è un mondo complicato!" e attendere il corso degli eventi (stile nonno Sergio)
2. scegliere la filosofia della vodka e cha cha cha (stile Bridget Jones)
Ai posteri l'ardua sentenza.

SWEDEN

I'm back....well I was back two days ago,but got some problems with internet...It has been one of the best holiday in my life!We drunk and laughted more than I could imagine, we met great people,eated gourgeous dinner and visited wonderful places. Yeah,it was pretty great!!!!I higly recomand Sweden to all who wants to see heaven with their own eyes....eheh....goodnight everybody!!!

AFFIRMATION

I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands.

I believe I'm loved when I'm complitely by myself alone.

I believe in Karma what you give it's what you get returned.

I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned.

I believe the grass is not more greener on the other side.

I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye.

MELANCHOLIE

Another image,just not to get bored...here she is: the black powerful Lady, gourgeos as always, she is the queen. She is the eightht wonder of the world, the muse of all poets, the angel behind every poetry or dream, she is the only way human beeings know to get close to the sky. She is life and death, agony and joy, anxiety and power, hollow and light, she is the best friend of stranger and dictators,she is the source of higest genius, she is the mistress of our soul.I bow to her.

SONG OF THE DAY

Barry White "you are the first"

A Rebours

"I didn't say I liked it,Harry. I said it fascinated me. There is a great difference."

Yeah, Dorian Gray was actuallly pretty right...it isn't a book that you can like or dislike, it's more like a powerful force that come out the pages an grasp your soul...after reading this book you feel that you have ti change sth in your life...you feel you have to resemble Des Eissent and yet to be different...oh, it's simply great!!If beeing a decadent means to be like Jean Des Eissent, I guess I'd rather be a decadent....

ho girovagato un po su internet cercando di organizzare la prima tappa delle nostre vacanze...così stamattina ho trovato questa...beh, io me l'ero immaginata diversa, moolto diversa, però riguardandola e ripensandoci è veramente splendida, uno splendido posto in cui trascorrere 30 anni della propria vita...e sicuramente,sicuramente dal vivo sarà ancora più emozionante!

" Ho veduto una sola volta l'unica,colei che la mia anima cercava,e la perfezione che noi collochiamo al di sopra delle stelle,che noi allontaniamo fino alla fine del tempo,questa perfezione l'ho sentita presente.Era là,questo essere supremo,là nella sfera dell'umana natura e delle cose esistenti.Non vi domando più dove essa è: essa è esistita nel mondo e può tornarvi;vi è soltanto nascosta.
Non domando più che cosa sia,l'ho veduta,l'ho conosciuta.O voi che cercate quanto vi è di più alto e perfetto,nella profondità della sapienza,nel tumulto dell'azione,nel buio del passato,nel labirinto del futuro,nelle tombe e al di sopra delle stelle!Conoscete il suo nome?Il nome di ciò che è uno e tutto?Il suo nome è bellezza."

Friedrich Holderlin

19

mmmm...I feel pretty old right now...I remeber when I was six and used to lay on bed thinking of beeing twelve...It seemed to me a great age, twelve years old...now I'm nineteen, time had run away so fast that I can hardly remeber 50% of it...It's strange, I feel like I'm gonna start another life from the beginning, possibly not making the same mistakes..I'm the same, and yet I'm different...oh, well I'd better stop this post!I'm an old woman now, I need some sleep after lunch...

THE LOSER

It wasn't immaturity's fault, it wasn't summer time's fault,it wasn't destiny's wish...it wasn't.
I AM DEFINITELY A LOSER.

MUSIC POWER

A lovestruck Romeo sings a strestsus serenade
Laying averybody low with me a lovesong that he made
Finds convenient streetlight steps out of the shade
Says something like you and me babe how about it?

Juliet says hey its Romeo you nearky gimme an heart attack
Hes underneath the window shes singing hey la my boyfriends back
You shouldnt come around here singing up at people like that
Anyway what you gonna do about it?

Juliet the dice were loaded from the start
And I bet and you exploded in my heart
And I forget the movie song
When you wanna realise it was just that the time was wrong,Juliet?

Come up on different streets they both were streets of shame
Both dirty both mean yes and the dream was just the same
And I dreamed your dream for you and your dream is real
How can you look at me as if I was just another one of your deals?

Where you can fall for chains of silver you can fall for chaoins of gold
You can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold
You promised me everything you promised me think and thin
Now you just says oh Romeo yeah you know I used to have a scene with him

Juliet when we made love you used to cry
You said I love you like the stars above I'll love you till I die
Theres a place for us you know the movie song
When you wanna realise it was just that the time was wrong Juliet?

I cant do the talk like they talk on tv
And I cant do a lovesong like the way its meant to be
I cant do everything but Id do anything for you
I cant do anything except be in love with you

And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be
All do is keep the beat and bad company
All I do is kiss you through the bars of a rhyme
Juliet Id do the stars with you anytime


(Dire Straits-Romeo and Juliet)

FEELINGS...

Suonando Bach appena sveglia ho realizzato che non c'è nulla al mondo che la musica non possa descrivere e comprendere fin nel profondo dell' essenza. La musica e la bellezza, ma infondo sono la stessa cosa, conducono dritti all' infinito...meraviglia dell' arte!!!
E io, io sono fortunata a poter dare un pò di musica al mio piccolo mondo...

IT'S OVER!!!!!

Ladies and gents, I did it!!!it was pretty amusing after all...now I feel complitely free!!!I'm on holliday!!finally...oh I'm so happy...happy happy happy!!!I felt an arrow all the time and I got the target!Massimo was right...
Now I'm gonna buy new shoes...ya know, it' smy day!!

OLD UNCLE WALT TEACHES...

Oh me!Oh life!of the questions of these recurring,
of the endless trains of the faithless, of cieties filled with the foolish,
of myself forever reproaching, (for who more foolish than I,
and who more faithless?)
of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean,
of the struggle ever renewed,
of the poor results of all,
of the plodding and sordid crows I see around me,
of the empty and useless years of the rest,
and with the rest me, intertwined,
Q: O me! so sad, recurring-what good amid these, O me!O life?
A: That you are here- that life exists and identity;
that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse.
Contribute well, O me, O life!


Oh me!Oh vita! di queste domande che ricorrono,
degli infiniti cortei senza fede, di città piene di sciocchi,
di me stesso che sempre mi rimprovero,( perchè chi è più sciocco di me,
chi più senza fede?)
di occhi che invano bramano la luce, di scopi meschini,
della battaglia sempre rinnovata,
dei poveri risultati di tutto,
della folla che vedo sordida caminare a fatica intorno a me,
dei vuoti ed inutili anni degli altri,
e di me con gli altri strettamente legato,
D: ahimè!così triste ricorre- cosa c'è di buono in tutto questo,O me O vita?
R: che tu sei qui-che esiste la vita e l' individuo;
che il meraviglioso spettacolo continua e tu puoi contribuire con un verso.
Contribuisci bene O me! O vita!

To all those who has forgotten for a while that life is poetry. To remember them, and me, that our best aim is to create our verse...