Are you happy?

" You are an enigma, Marghe, because you are an intelligent person. And I think that intelligent people cannot be happy, but you are always happy. Are you really happy or are you pretending?"

What was I to answer?

The question just struck me like a lightening out of the blue sky.

Premise, I am not always happy. As whoever saw me crying every day in the past 2 months would know... But it is true that I try to look happy as much as I can. And also, that yes, my life is essentially happy. Does that make me less intelligent? Probably, yes. Sometimes I think it would be worth going back to constant total agony just to be able to write poems again, or to understand people like I used to.. but is it really? My life is essentially happy and there's nothing I can do about it. That said it doesn't mean I don't have my moments of crisis in which I feel weak, lonely, scared, abandoned by the world and surrounded by all my old monsters.. but I also know I can win this fight. Yes, I can.

At the end, I think, there will always be the same amount of wine in the glass but you have to choose if seeing the full half or the empty half. I chose to see the full half. All the time. Does that mean I'm pretending? Don't think so. Just that I know that seeing the empty half can drag me to the grave...

... nevertheless, still pondering on my existence...

John Barleycorn must Die.