leaves of grass

If only...

2012-01-16T11:43:00.000-08:00

.... life were a little bit more like rugby, everything would be easier. You'd know at a glance who your enemies are and you'd fight to the end knowing that your friends will always support you. To the end. You'd be able to smash your enemies bad and not feel guilty about it, because that's what you are meant to do. And they will expect it. You'd know that none of your friends will ever turn against you and that even if they might shout at you, it's only for the ultimate common good. And you'd be sure that none of your enemies will ever wear your same colours, they will not mingle with your friends, not for a moment think to mix up with your lot. And you'd know, only too well, that even if you make a mistake everybody else does: it's the team effort that counts.

Oh the beauty of the game!

Why isn't life like rugby?

Remember Remember...

2011-11-08T10:04:00.000-08:00

Good evening, Italy,

Allow me first to apologize for this interruption. I do, like many of you, appreciate the comforts of every day routine- the security of the familiar, the tranquility of repetition. I enjoy them as much as any bloke. But in the spirit of commemoration, thereby those important events of the past usually associated with someone's death or the end of some awful bloody struggle, a celebration of a nice holiday, I thought we could mark this November the 5th, a day that is sadly no longer remembered, by taking some time out of our daily lives to sit down and have a little chat. There are of course those who do not want us to speak. I suspect even now, orders are being shouted into telephones, and men with guns will soon be on their way. Why? Because while the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning, and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth. And the truth is, there is something terribly wrong with this country, isn't there? Cruelty and injustice, intolerance and oppression. And where once you had the freedom to object, to think and speak as you saw fit, you now have censors and systems of surveillance coercing your conformity and soliciting your submission. How did this happen? Who's to blame? Well certainly there are those more responsible than others, and they will be held accountable, but again truth be told, if you're looking for the guilty, you need only look into a mirror. I know why you did it. I know you were afraid. Who wouldn't be? War, terror, disease. There were a myriad of problems which conspired to corrupt your reason and rob you of your common sense. Fear got the best of you, and in your panic you turned to the now prime minister, SB. He promised you order, he promised you peace, and all he demanded in return was your silent, obedient consent. Last night I sought to end that silence. Last night I destroyed the Old Bailey, to remind this country of what it has forgotten. More than four hundred years ago a great citizen wished to embed the fifth of November forever in our memory. His hope was to remind the world that fairness, justice, and freedom are more than words, they are perspectives. So if you've seen nothing, if the crimes of this government remain unknown to you then I would suggest you allow the fifth of November to pass unmarked.

Not my words, as you can tell, but oddly fitting with the mood of the day. I only changed a few words..

Heads

2011-10-20T10:10:00.000-07:00

It seems to have become very fashionable to show to the world the head of the person you have just killed. The bloodier, the better. I am not entirely sure I support this new trend. Actually, I am entirely sure I don't. I suppose since the time of David and Goliath, Salome and John the Baptist, or Judith and Holofernes, warriors have always made a point of cutting heads off and use them as a sign of their strength. But I get the feeling it was seen more as a way of clearly showing to your enemy how strong you were. Especially if, like in the case of Judith, a single woman managed to cut off the head of the enemy general.

That sense has now been lost. Correction, maybe it still survives but now the images of dead, shattered bodies are shown to everybody around the globe, whether you like or not. Colonel Gaddafy, or Osama Bin Laden were not my personal enemies, nor of the various news papers and tv stations that showed their bloody dead heads for days. Well, I suppose they were enemies of the West and Democracy, for whatever that means, and therefore everybody's enemy. But seeing their dead heads over and over again doesn't make me feel more powerful against my enemy. It just makes me feel sorry. For people who probably never deserved my pity in life.

Maybe it's the opposite, maybe all this is staged to make us feel sorry, to make monsters appear more human at least in death. But that surely clashes with the victorious headlines that accompany the pictures..

Then of course there is the third option, a lot less poetic and acceptable, that this is just an epidemic of lack of taste and tact that is affecting the world. If this is the case I beg to differ, and will shut my eyes in front of death. In the hope that if enough people do the same we could defeat the disease and go back to knowing what is appropriate from what is not.

I believe..

2011-10-04T10:40:00.000-07:00

...I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye...

Mark Knoplfer and Savage Garden are rocking in the background of my mind. Setting the mood for a bunch of disconnected thoughts. Yet another big change in my life has happened. And yet another evening spent crying is to follow. I have to admit, haven't been here in a while. I don't even know if I can still manage this. Who knows. Who cares. At the moment I just wanna melt my sadness into tears and let it go. Go river of sorrow, run towards your sea. He is waiting.....

Architects

2011-08-15T15:37:00.000-07:00

I should be writing my dissertation or go to bed.. instead I feel strangely inspired.

Thing is, I've been thinking about this for a while now and finally I got hit by the right words.. as always, from a song.

"Are there no fighters left here anymore? Are we the generation we have been waiting for? Or are we patiently burning waiting to be saved? Our heroes our idols have mellowed with age, following rules that they once disobeyed, they're now being led when they used to lead the way.."

It's a fact. I, we, grew up with a number of icons in front of me, whether actors or athletes or poets. I was a kid, they, in their twenties, young and inspirational. Now all of them are about 30 or older and somehow not as much interesting. They have mellowed. And I have grown up to be almost an adult. No longer they are icons or heroes. But there seems to be none else to replace them. Actors, athletes and writers in their twenties now are just people my age who chose a different path from mine. I guess maybe, it's a matter of having roughly the same age. Or of being mature enough not to need icons. Or, maybe, the world is mellowing in its own silly days of struggle and laziness. Or maybe, this is part of growing up. I do feel the empty space they have left tho. We, I, desperately need new icons and heroes. Maybe it's a call for me, and my generation, to take the lead and shine. Inspire younger people. And make a difference in this stupid lethargic little planet.

"do you care to be the layer of the bricks that seal you fate? Or would you rather be the architect of what we might create?"

The edge

2011-07-22T09:20:00.000-07:00

sometimes the rage comes back when you least expect and just hits you in the guts with all its - forgotten - strength. It happened today. To this point I don't know exactly why.. but it did oxygenate by blood like nothing else can.

The thing is: I'm getting tired, edgy, bitchy and nervous. I despise people around me.. so much that it takes all the power of my rationality to bring me back to thinking they are actually lovely people. Which, in fact, they are.

Anyway, the rage triggered some highly philosophical thoughts.. as usual. Here it is.

I am more of a feminist that I would like to admit. I shiver with indignation in front of gender inequality and patronising attitudes. You know what I am talking about. I do agree with Dylan Moran on that any woman who spends hours getting ready just to walk the dog or whatever is doing it just to please men. I retch when I hear people saying the of course they will get married, because that is what is expected from women. I disapprove of traditional gender roles. I could go on. And yet, sometimes girls are so stupid, weak and annoying that I do think we might have called discrimination upon ourselves. I don't wanna generalize. But man the rage waves I get when I see those typically girly attitudes. I don't know.. maybe this general weakness that some girls display is a reaction to centuries of inequality. Maybe discrimination does weaken you. Either way. Whatever the reason. I get furious around stereotypical girls. To tears.

End of the angry rant of the day.

John Barleycorn must die

Sons and Lovers

2011-07-07T06:09:00.000-07:00

I started reading D.H. Lawrence masterpiece after what it felt like years that I hadn't read a novel. Obviously it has been less than that, but somehow I had forgotten that magic, relaxing feeling that only novels can give you. The infinite pleasure of lying down with a good book and let time disappear altogether. Joy. Pure Joy.

Here are two quotes that today struck me like lightening. Like only good quotes do.

He had denied the God in him.

Sleep is most perfect, in spite of hygienists, when it is share with a beloved. The warmth, the security and peace of soul, the utter comfort from the touch of the other, knits the sleep, so that it takes the body and soul completely in its healing.

Political Thoughts in random order IV _ Freedom

2011-05-31T01:38:00.001-07:00

And so it happens, you know, some times the people make their voice heard. Screaming off top of their lungs from the mute voting paper. All very pacific. One cross expresses a preference. Millions of crosses scream "we don't want you anymore. we are fed up." And, as it happens a candidate - or a group of - wins over another and a party gains more support. And squares explode in celebrations. People celebrating throughout Italy, like crazy. People overjoyed. People celebrating freedom. Or the first step towards it.

This should tell you how bad the state of Italy is. Elections are routine democratic institutions. A candidate winning should not equal freedom. And yet it does, in a big way. It does because the feeling is one of oppression. So yesterday's results resound like a warning shot for the revolution to come. Even I, from miles away, felt it. The shiver of excitement that no one else could quite understand "freedom. L'Italia s'è desta. finally." But, again, it shouldn't be. Oh Italy! How did we get there?!

John Barleycorn must die.

Reflections..

2011-05-11T15:28:00.000-07:00

.. sometimes you wonder what it is that makes you win the battles you win. I, by default, do not consider myself to be particularly worthy of anything.. and yet I find that I am extremely lucky in life. Maybe it's true what Michael Marmot has been preaching for four decades that if you come from a privileged background, you just win at this game a priori. Maybe I have some merits after all (although I'm not comfortable with that option). Or maybe it is as the Greeks put it and too much luck will result in some major catastrophe, which I will have to look out for. I do not know what the answer is. What I know is that I have been pretty damn lucky in life. I don't know whether I deserve it or God has just been too kind with me. I don't know where it will lead me. I don't even want to try and read something into it. I'll just take the fruits and give thanks. And I am not just talking about my achievements. I'm talking about the people I meet that make my life worth living. And the experiences I make blindly, following the instinct of the moment, that turn out to be not only amazing, but also useful later on. And the totally inherited and not at all conscious gift of making people like me. For all this I praise the Lord. And my parents. And all those who accompanied me in this crazy roller coaster of a journey making every bit of it totally amazing. You know who you are. Thank you.

Christmas Carols

2011-05-02T05:57:00.000-07:00

Beer the Turtle

There was once a turtle called Beer. He was crossing the road when he got stuck on a piece of gum and he couldn't move backward nor forward. In that moment a car came and run him over. But he didn't die. His shell however, got cracked. The driver stopped, came back and filled the cracks of his shell with crack. That made him feel better.

Hip

There was once a girl called Hip, who fell off a cliff and landed on her hip. Falling, she banged her head against a rock and her brain popped out her skull. Luckily a man was passing by and he put her brain back into her skull. She was so grateful that they had sex. But before they had sex a snake bit her in her ****** but she didn't realize thinking it was the man. So the man had to suck all the poison out, and saved her one more time. And then they did it doggy style.

Identity.

2011-03-18T09:46:00.000-07:00

This morning's lecture was truly inspirational. The guy was awesomely cool and I found myself agreeing wholeheartedly with everything he said. Which in itself is a first. He was talking about ethnicity, racism and inequalities and inequities and I suddenly found myself struck by a somewhat distressing thought: I don't have an ethnicity. I suppose that's partly because I'm white middle-class and all that.. but once the thought had appeared in my mind I couldn't stop thinking about it and I realized that I do not define myself in anyway. Pondering over it I found that I never fully identified myself with what it means to be woman in the traditional sense of the term; I wouldn't call myself straight nor gay nor bi; my passport says I'm Italian but I don't really identify myself with that either, nor with being English (despite the fact that I do love the Brits..); I was brought up Catholic but I beg to differ on many of the things that religious belonging implies; yes my skin is white but that doesn't really mean anything to me. What does that make me?I suppose you could say I don't have an identity. And yet I exist and very much so. ---> Epiphany!

Gender, nationality, ethnicity, culture, religion etc.. they don't exist! they are social constructs. The argument is slightly different for sexuality but that has come to have a very strong social component too. I mean, they exist. But the way we define them, the idea of what it means to belong to any group, is very much socially defined and highly stereotypised (ok that's not a word but it is now..). Personal identity goes above and beyond any of those labels. Those are just stereotypes no-one in the world really matches. And yet, people seem to be giving a massive shit about it. If you think of it, the moment you define yourself you also draw a line and define "otherness" therefore laying down the first stone towards discrimination. So the logic thing to do would be not to define yourself. Why, oh why, do we feel the need to restrict our identity to a few, inaccurate labels?

Wait, I know the answer to that.. it brings us back to the good old group and violence theory, good old Renèe Girard and escape goats. In short, people choose to homologate because when something goes wrong the group will pick on anyone who's different and kill them. And no-one wants to be put in the middle in that situation. Fair enough. I suppose you can't escape that. Wait, can't you?! Well probably you can't, but what you can do is to join sides with the escape goat. Throw yourself in the middle. Which doesn't mean repudiate your group belonging, it just means you choose not to see the line. That's it, that's the trick. That is what one of my favourite men in history has been trying to teach us for centuries.. that's what it means to take your cross and follow him. Don't be scared of consequences, don't be afraid of being the escape goat, cross the line that defines groups of people.. because actually there is no line......... we are all human beings after all.

John Barleycorn must die.

When the alarm goes off...

2011-03-13T10:35:00.000-07:00

.... and then you start dreaming. Eyes wide open, brain in full function. And yet you dream. The dream takes form in your head and you can feel what it would be like if it were real. You know, those sensations, emotions.. the ones you lack in real life.. they'd all be there if the dream was real. It would be nice and warm. A place where to curl up and feel protected. Days without anger and frustration and fears... no voices in the head either. You feel it. You feel the warmth.....

.... but, as usual it's just an illusion. Not going to happen. Fine. Something similar? Not as perfect but close enough? Neither.

Just get on with it.

time...

2011-02-24T09:37:00.000-08:00

... my yellow shoes are dying. I put them on today and realised they are (literally) falling apart. Ready to be tossed away.

Whoever has known me in the past two years knows just how much those shoes mean for me. And now they are dead. Time to move on.

Looking at them today I started thinking of all the fun, crazy, important moments I lived wearing them. All those memories were suddenly slightly too much to take and I had to sit down. What now? Do I want to buy another pair of yellow shoes? They are beautiful, but the new pair will not be the same, would it? It would be just like trying and carry on with a worn out relationship.. or scream and fight to avoid getting old.. But, what other shoes would I like now? what do I feel like? What would represent my identity?

That I do not know.

Beautiful metaphor of my life.

Time to look ahead, but to where?

C.S.S.D.

Procrastination

2011-02-09T16:03:00.000-08:00

It appears that booze is the key to a faster and more productive work schedule. I can go with that.

Why oh why, when I ask for synonyms the internet gives me tips to a flat belly?

The internet is for porn. gossip. lies. and frustrated deluded wankers. and a lot of other interesting things.

Three years at university teach you how to rephrase the work of others in such a way that you know it's plagiarism but your lecturers won't notice.

Note to self. Remember to save work every five minutes. Least it will all crash. again.

There's a seagull in my laptop. Oh no wait, it's actually outside. Pheeeew. That would have been weird.

Political Thought In Random Order III_ The end.

2011-01-26T11:50:00.000-08:00

I am watching the slow, but inexorable suicide of my country. I'm watching from far enough feel safe, but that doesn't stop the pain and rage.

Italy is NOT this. Italy is wonderful, warm, chilled and friendly country. Full of culture and art and amazing people. I still believe it, despite the many efforts to convince everybody of the opposite. I believe it, but I'm losing hope.

Silvio Berlusconi is the personification of everything I hate about Italy. The arrogant ignorance, the rowdiness, the lack of respect for everything and everyone. And yet is in power. He is transforming the country in the larger version of himself. And, what worst, he is destroying everything that is good about Italy. This is unacceptable. This enrages me. To tears.

Italy is so much more than that. There is a lot of good in the country. And yet, that voice is not being heard. Why oh why is Italy not rebelling to this bleakness? I'm waiting for my country to show some pride and back-bone. But I fear I'm waiting in vain. What happen to the fight, the protest the rage?! Where did those go?! What happen to Guccini, De Andrè, Gaber, Cyrano, the dream?! Come back! this is the time, if there ever was one to stand up and make your voice heard. Do it. Do it now. Please. Or it will be the end.

Perhaps, this is what sadden me the most. No-one is standing and fighting. Did we all grow brain washed, passive and lazy? Did Berlusconi succeeded in that?

I sincerely hope not.

Destati Italia.

Oh days, oh months that run away so quickly....

2010-12-30T07:20:00.000-08:00

Yet another year has come and passed. It's music has finished. As usual, we look back and think. Even if our judgement seems slightly altered by the copious amount of food we've been stuffing our faces with in the past week or so.

This year has started in tears and is finishing in a slightly mental state of grace. Which is what life should be like so it's all good. In the meanwhile I have managed to say goodbye to Cambridge without shedding too many tears. Although I did go nuts before and after the fateful day. I've also somehow managed to face my monsters and sort of defeat them. Hence the holly bizzarre state of grace - deep grace - of the present day. Here are a few of the things I have learned over the past 12 months. Or drops of wisdom for the future. In no particular order:

It's easy to blame other people for our flaws, but we have to keep in mind that ultimately we are responsible for who we are.

When you feel the world is closing in on you and you'll never see the sun again, just remember in the winter, far beneath the bitter snow lies the seed that with the sun's love in the spring become the rose. Or in short, time heals everything.

Most of the things that seem huge to us, will appear small and stupid in a few months time.

I'm not a fighter (already knew that), I'm a dreamer. And I like to keep my dream as they are. Which probably means utter failure in the realm of reality.

To love is to put other people's happiness before ours. And to let them go.

Knock, and it will be opened. Ask, and you will be answered.

Perhaps nature makes us dull and boring in old age on purpose. So that when we finally go, those who love us will suffer less.

For every life that come to a close, few fresh ones are born. The cycle will continue non-stop.

I'm not ready for real life. And probably will never be. Fact.

One person is enough to redeem a whole country in my eyes. Which leads to the consideration that no, I have no faith in politics and institutions but people, oh, people they can change the planet for the better.

Find your center and you are sure to win.

Never allow someone to be your priority when for them you are just an option.

The one and only thing that makes me really, deeply happy is to be with people. Feeling useful for my friends and spending time with them is my vocation. As cheesy as it may sound.

Me gustas los pinguinos.

The Cave

2010-11-19T18:40:00.000-08:00

Yet another 4am drunken post. (well almost 4am.)

Clubs are the worst place to get all philosophical.But, again, I can't help it.. As Plato rightly put it, we are all in a cave and what we see and experience are just projections of a higher life. Merging it with Pirandello, one could argue that we live in millions different caves and the life we believe to be living is only the projection of our on mind.. My cave is notoriously an odd place to be. And I need to keep reminding myself that, yes, most of what I think other people think or feel it's just part of my mind. I see people doing what I hope them to be doing or feeling or thinking. I know, I know. And still keep falling in the same old mistake of trusting that it might be real. It's not. And the more I secretly want something to happen the more I project on people my desires; the more difficult it gets to stay on balance. Keep your balance dear, it's not happening. Despite your deepest wishes. So here I am at 4am, agony a glass of wine and the need to scream.

And yet I know, probably thank to age, that extremes and drugs are not the way to break free from the cave - despite what people might think. I know now (now we know) that is a matter of being able to win the battle with your innermost self. This is joy. Even if covered in pain. Hence, new resolution. However difficult this might prove I shall win. I ought to. I have no choice.

So everybody please say with me: "what are u doing in a cave?!" but with a scouse accent.

John Barleycorn must Die.

On freedom, politics and morality

2010-10-31T06:09:00.000-07:00

I guess we never are free. Well, no, I don't guess. I know. We never are free. We are shaped and constrained by culture, time, country, social class and personality. And on top of that our freedom has necessarily to end when other people's freedom start. Hence, we basically are confined in a tiny tiny space. Which is rendered even smaller by others' judgement. We don't only refrain ourselves from doing something because it would hurt other people, but also because we fear their judgement. Thus, living with other people makes us slave of impression, conventions, images projected in the mind of others..

... and yet, some people are freer than others. Like with animals in farms and equality, some people can. Or, better, can afford to ignore the judgment of others and brake those non spoken rules that allows society to exist. They are, we say, above morality. I never was a big fan of morality per se; stupid instrument of confinement, or excuse for atrocities as it is - but morality, in a broader sense can be considered the name we generally give to those things we wouldn't do for respect of others.

So, if you live in a country whose prime minister doesn't know what respect of others means you have an issue. Well, not you. But the country. Berlusconi is behaving amorally, say the media. I disagree. He is stating his power. He is shouting in the face of everyone else that he can have orgies with under age prostitutes, abuse of his power and etc, and don't feel ashamed. (oh the shame the shame the shame) No only, he is also sure that whatever he does, none will touch him because italian politics is not ready to substitute him with anyone. Hence, he is robbing in to all his fellow italians that he is above and beyond the rules we all submit to.

Not nice, is it? especially because this is not a competition to state identity and power. Politics is about representing. A prime minister who's mainly concerned with reminding his citiziens how much better (faster, stronger) than anyone else he is - is showing just how little he has understood of that thing called politics. And a country who stay still and accept that is just showing how little they have understood of democracy, and how little backbone they still have.

John Barleycorn must die

London is calling and I.. I live by the river..

2010-10-15T08:16:00.000-07:00

The river is miles away really. =(

London is the best place in the world for people watching.

My wardrobe is not cool enough for London..

I have a job. Or something like that.

Avenue Q is amazing. Made me feel light and happy.

Love been the youngest in my course.

I found that I can be a social butterfly. Loud and histerically smily.

I wish I has more time for people watching.

Got converted to ultimate frisbee.

I can walk anywhere in London.

Dislike the tube at peak-hour.

I have new clothes.

Went to see the recording of a TV show.

Plan to go on a celebrity hunt.

Loud music is the way forward.

Don't actually mind french house.

I smile every time I see business men (or women) in full suit and trainers.

Freshers

2010-09-27T16:11:00.000-07:00

new uni, new life. or sthe like that, naturally...

I'm loving my staying in london. Loving having a proper fresher week. Loving being strong and mature enough to not care about anything. And yes seghe mentali will come... I can see them on the sky, as big as colourful butterflies... mmmmm.. but as I said che serà, serà. this time I'll let whatever will be, to be.

John Barleycorn must die.

Rage

2010-07-21T23:26:00.000-07:00

Rage (and hate) has been my nest for oh, so many years, and now I need to get rid of it. To destroy my best defence all at once.
Am I mature and strong enough to do it?
....
....
we'll see....

John Barleycorn must die

The end.

2010-06-20T14:14:00.000-07:00

Not really the end yet. Still a week to go, but the feeling is the same.

The three best years of my life come to a close and I find myself dealing with empty feelings that can easily be summarised in a question mark.

What is gonna be next? Whatever it is, it's not gonna be the same. There will be no Fitz, no Cambridge and no strong emotions associated with them. Fact.

I think I made the most out of these three years. They will remain as definitely the best, and in 20 years time I will be able to talk about Cambridge with that sort of nostalgic lover look so characteristic of alumni.. oh dear.

I get the sneaky feeling it's all gonna be down hill from here. This should be the beginning of my real life, when the excitement of challenges, maturity and responsibility begins. And yet I find it hard to feel anything but a strong sense of nostalgia and apathy towards the future. Cambridge was the peak of my life and the rest it's just gonna be slightly disappointing.

Probably not a good mood to start life with....

.... eventually I will find the time to cry.

For now, let's all drink lemonade.

The end.

Heat

2010-05-24T09:42:00.000-07:00

There's a spider on my laptop.

It's red. It goes up an down.. moving all around the perimeter of my screen.

It's hot.

The weather, not the spider.

But presumably the spider is hot too...

Wish I didn't have to revise and could enjoy the sun.

It's not gonna last.

The sun, I mean, but also the revision.

Cram, cram, cram.. for what? in two weeks is gonna be over.

What is the point?

There is no point.

It's like a sailing boat in the middle of the sea. No wind. Total calm.

Time will stop. And rush forward. But always giving you the impression there is no tomorrow.

Always, with the sun burning your skin.

We need a storm.

Rain on skin. Bare feet on grass.

The spider is gone.

Need sleep.

emails

2010-05-20T05:55:00.000-07:00

Why can I never bring myself to write an email, even when my life depend on it??

There is something intrinsically wrong with me..

John Barleycorn must Die.

joy and pain

2010-05-12T12:37:00.001-07:00

red and blue

Nuvole e Lenzuola

2010-05-03T11:23:00.000-07:00

I wish I could stop time and give it another meaning. Or at least I wish I could be mature enough to get over it and stop lying to myself. Yes, I am a hypocrite and a lier. I always was. And now it's too late to change. So, as usual, I'll keep on the same, abused, smile and ignore the burning fire in my chest. I will pretend it's not there. I only wish I could pretend better and force my nerves and muscle to serve my will. But no. I'm not even a first class lier.. just a mediocre one. Great. Oh and I have no identity. that's the epiphany of the day: I am no one. But if I don't have an identity I can't lie can I? so being nothing makes me honest at the end... not sure if that make any sense.. I surely don't.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDArttap7FI

John Barleycorn must die.

Summer

2010-04-25T08:58:00.000-07:00

it's procrastination time so here's my list of things I love about summer...

shorts and t-shirts re-appearing

sun

blue sky

flip-flops

pimm's and lemonade

general chilled mood

ice-creams

working in the library until late at night

long days

summer banter (yes it is different from winter banter..)

smiles

loud music

long walks in the sun

runs in the morning

walking through Fitz early when everyone is still asleep but the sun is up and bright

na caleya by la bandina

happy-smily-bouncy Deeds

orange

working in the kitchen

...

Are you happy?

2010-04-19T13:27:00.000-07:00

" You are an enigma, Marghe, because you are an intelligent person. And I think that intelligent people cannot be happy, but you are always happy. Are you really happy or are you pretending?"

What was I to answer?

The question just struck me like a lightening out of the blue sky.

Premise, I am not always happy. As whoever saw me crying every day in the past 2 months would know... But it is true that I try to look happy as much as I can. And also, that yes, my life is essentially happy. Does that make me less intelligent? Probably, yes. Sometimes I think it would be worth going back to constant total agony just to be able to write poems again, or to understand people like I used to.. but is it really? My life is essentially happy and there's nothing I can do about it. That said it doesn't mean I don't have my moments of crisis in which I feel weak, lonely, scared, abandoned by the world and surrounded by all my old monsters.. but I also know I can win this fight. Yes, I can.

At the end, I think, there will always be the same amount of wine in the glass but you have to choose if seeing the full half or the empty half. I chose to see the full half. All the time. Does that mean I'm pretending? Don't think so. Just that I know that seeing the empty half can drag me to the grave...

... nevertheless, still pondering on my existence...

John Barleycorn must Die.

Memories

2010-04-07T08:23:00.000-07:00

Hate them...

not all of them, don't get me wrong, just a certain type of memories. Those sneaky ones that pop into my thoughts, my day, my life, when I least expect them, and make my heart jump, and my mind derail. And for a second I get lost... in lies and truths, pain and hope, hate, love, identity, interpretations, reality and relativism.. all that whirling upon my head..

John Barleycorn must die.

Resurrection

2010-04-04T02:32:00.000-07:00

Just remerged from the utter amazingness that is the Easter Triduum. Head still full of all the songs and symbols.. ears and skin still feeling Marta singing (my God, her voice makes me shiver every time.. ).. heart still lifted with hope. It's amazing how these three days with their theatrical representation of pain and hope manage to make you forget about everything else. I guess that's what the Greeks called cathartic..

two things are coming home from this particular Easter. two brilliant moments of epiphany if you like..

1. none of the Gospels ever mention that Jesus was nailed to the cross. No nails I'm afraid. Which struck me on Friday and I found quite funny...

2. Jesus dies on a Friday and rises again on a Sunday and it's not only because none went to see him on Saturday, He just rose the third day. Why so? Because, methinks, it is not enough to die. You got to go down to hell to rise again.

John Barleycorn must die.

Political Thoughts in Random Order II _ Elections.

2010-03-29T23:01:00.000-07:00

More political thoughts in more random order... don't really know where to start..

Yesterday and the day before were election days. 13 regions out of 20 were electing their president. Administrative elections they are called. That's it. And they are usually considered less important, but quite obviously, since everybody was voting media put a lot of emphasis on this. Fair enough.

Now, from my modest point of view, in administrative elections you have to choose between two fairly local candidates. Someone your dad has been to dinner with vs someone you have seen taking coffee with the major of your town who's a friend of your mum. And since they are gonna run the little practical affairs of you region for five years, I'd say you choose the one you think will do a better job. Regardless of what political party they are supported by.. this would be my attitude.

But no. In this electoral campaign everything and anything happened, except hearing from the actual candidates. Brief re-cap. All the major parties campaigned from Rome, with their own tones and slogans, even if the local candidates were not always in line with the whole thing. Berlusconi did his typical and overheard show of the victim and the great leader together over and over again. In Lazio and Milan the chap who had to submit the name of the candidate for Berlusconi's party to the judges, got bored of waiting for his turn, went to drink a coffee and was too late for submission. But you can't have elections without the governing party can you? No worries, no problem. In both cases they turned to the judges asking for mercy, at the end they were late for only five minutes or something trivial like that. Which is fair enough. But while the judges were pondering their decision, Berlusconi formulated and got approved in parliament a decree that basically said "if the judges don't want to readmit my candidates they are going to do it anyway because of this decree." Great. Some people protested, saying it was disgusting. If anything it was pointless, the candidate for Milan got readmitted anyway, the candidate for a province of Lazio didn't anyway.

In the meanwhile, Berlusconi decided that it was highly unfair that on the state TV people could be able to make talk shows with slightly leftist conducers and guests. At least under elections, every program should have had an equal number of people from the two parties. So he shut down every political talk show on the state TV channels.

Oh and in a gathering he promise to cure cancer in 3 years. which was quite grotesquelly funny.

And all this trouble for just administrative elections.. worth it?

Yeah worth it. Cose, come the day of the elections Italians vote right. And massively so. The whole Berlusconian campaign "vote with me or against me!" worked. People didn't vote the candidate, they voted to show their love or hate for the man. Northern Italy voted Lega Nord. Which is.. ehm.. imagine BNP, imagine it run by peasants, like actual peasants, then multiply the ideology of BNP by 10. That's the party we are talking about. Candidates belonging to that party run the whole of Northern Italy and they got the highest number of votes in most cases.

Other interesting points are: a lot of people voted Grillo, who is a comedian who just wants to mess about. And 37% (or sth like that) of people didn't vote.

so? so well.. the scary thing is that this is what people want. The majority of italians actually want Lega Nord and Berlusconi. They seriously think this is the best thing for the country. And so maybe it is. Let aside absolute right or wrong. If this is what people want then maybe it's the best thing for them. And if you don't agree.. well, then you should have shouted louder, or you can always emigrate. Because I fear a quite dark future for this country...

John Barleycorn must die.

If...

2010-03-26T10:56:00.000-07:00

If I were a drink I'd be a Gin&Tonic. Changing to Gin&Tomato in times of crisis.

If I were a day I'd be a Tuesday. Or Saturday morning.

If I were a month I'd be July.

If I were a season I'd be summer. Or winter. Or summer with snow..

If I were an instrument I'd be a flute.

If I were a song I'd be "Canzone quasi d'amore" by Francesco Guccini. Actually, I'd be any of his songs.

If I were a century I'd be the 19th.

If I were a revolution I'd be the bohemian/decadent.

If I were a historic figure I'd like to be Mickhail Bakunin.

If I were a poem I'd be one of Cesare Pavese's teenage ones, where is heart is splattered on the page and you can feel his pain. Or "The road not taken" by Robert Frost.

If I were a novel I'd be Crime and Punishment.

If I were a philosopher I'd be Friedrich Nietzche. Or Friedrich Holderling.

If I were a war I'd be WWII.

If I were a movie I'd be "Dead Poets Society."

If I were a continent I'd be Africa.

If I were a town I'd be Cambridge.

If I were an animal I'd be a jaguar. Or a falcon.

If I were a religion I'd be Catholicism.

If I were a God I'd be Dionysus.

If...

The little child (or ultimate procrastination..)

2010-02-10T06:10:00.000-08:00

sometimes I think it would be nice to be still a child. to go back to a time where everything wandered me, and everything was new and exciting. I would love to have back those innocent eyes, those ears that would refuse to understand the right thing and instead made up random words or phrases that ultimately were the walls of my parallel reality, my own little, crazy word. I would love to be able to resume the feelings and thoughts generated by every first encounter, and paint them in my mind so to track back the history of me and people.

It would be amazing to be still a child listening only to Mozart and the 883 and watching only Walt Disney.. to have back those strong values: this thing is either black or white - my mum would say - and black is right, white is wrong (or the other way round ...)

Because back there I had stable land marks, fixed ideas, morals and the shame. life was easier back there. and exciting. But childhood is long gone.. and morals with it. My moral compass, my foundations, all has been broken down in the storm that is growing up.

Don't get me wrong.. I love it. love being totally lost all the time.. just saying it was easier back there.. knowing where to start from..

John Barleycorn Must Die

No title

2010-01-19T05:51:00.000-08:00

Funny that one of the most helpful songs now has to be this one...

Funny and sad at the same time...

Just a further proof that I can rise again from my ashes, I guess...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KDm1Hf1rQk

John Barleycorn must die.

Poesie

2009-12-26T01:09:00.000-08:00

E' quel periodo dell'anno in cui cominci a tirare le somme, guardarti indietro e decidere cosa salvare e cosa migliorare degli ultimi dodici mesi. Ancora non sono in quel processo, perchè.. beh, perchè ancora ho 5 giorni di quest'anno bislacco e poi perchè tra una mangiata e l'altra il mio cervello è troppo saturo per pensare. Tuttavia, ieri sera tra la zia che stava male e la mia personale depressione mi sentivo un pò giù... ma ecco che il quadernetto delle mie poesie di quando avevo tipo 16 anni è comparso magicamente! quindi l'ho preso, spolverato e cominciato a leggere.. non per tirarmela ma alcune sono proprio belle!!! insomma.. x avere avuto 16 anni erano dei capolavori..Ne riproporrei una, giusto perchè parla del tempo..

Volerò fino a te un giorno di questi

e ti canterò la mia anima.

Promesse e illusioni

di una vita rubata

al tiranno tempo.

Scivola via, come l'acqua

di un fiume sulle rocce

tingendosi dei colori dell'autunno

portandoli, fino alla primavera.

E di nuovo il giorno

e la notte

incalza, e si spegne

in un soffio di luna.

Emozioni vane

cambiano al ritmo

dell'implacabile lancetta.

La vita è un sospiro

portato dal vento:

nulla si salva.

Ne vale la pena?

Troverai la risposta

e sarai già cenere,

o sprecherai in pianti

i secondi risparmiati.

Nulla sopravvive.

In un attimo, il tuo animo

è già lettere incise sulla fredda pietra

o un semplice suono

citato a giovani menti incolte.

Ma lasciati dare un consglio:

l'amore sopravvive

unico, sulla morte furente:

ama! e vivrai in eterno.

Il tempo inclemente è figlio dell'universo,

l'amore ne è padre:

non prevarrà l'inesperto fanciullo

contro il vecchio saggio,

lasciati avvolgere da esso

e non morrai.

-30 novembre 2004-

Political Thoughts in Random Order

2009-12-19T00:07:00.000-08:00

Almost a week today Berlusconi was hit with a souvenir of the Duomo, right in front of the same church. Result: two broken teeth, broken lip, broken nose. I do not wish to comment on that: too many words have already be spent on the topic. I will only say that hearing of it from my shocked and almost crying granddad, it did sound like a bit of a joke.

Unfortunately, it wasn't. I take the fact as the action of a unstable person who - like most of us - got fed up with dwarf in front of him and - unlike the rest of us - reacted by throwing something at him. The end. But watching TV this past week I learned that this is far from being what happened. No. What really happened is that the opposition has being "creating a climate of hate and violence never seen before. They have instigated people to hate Berlusconi as a person and not as a politician and this is extremely dangerous." Maybe. True, I did miss two months of the panthomime that is italian politics but the few political discussions I did follow seemed as rude and uncivilized as ever. No big change there. So?

So every single member of the government has been emphasizing the role of such "climate of hate and violence" in the aggression. So much that one wonders if they are just playing a well rehearsed part or if they have been totally brainwashed. Mis Maria Stella Gelmini - with her bright purple glasses - has stated, full of passion and true adoration as she was, that the opposition is invidious of Berlusconi, his strength and personality, his immense political power and his being generally amazing. Quite a sad show if you want my opinion. This woman, I remind you, is the minister for education. The first thing she did as soon as she was elected (no, not elected, whatever) was to cut funding to universities, the second to cut the number of teachers in primary school, the last to cut the number of subject taught in high school. Probably the least liked minister of education in the past decade, and we had some seriously bad ones.

Anyway, back to the point. The aggression could happen also because of some inefficiency of the security around our prime minister. No doubt on that. 24 men failing to protect the only person they needed to protect, means that something went wrong. Even if only slightly. Last time I watched TV, an eminent member of Berlusconi's party was vehemently arguing against the silly journalistic idea to give a bit of attention to the faults of security. It's not relevant he shouts, we should focus only on the climate of hate and violence created by the opposition against our prime minister. Why is maintaining such climate so important for the government, I wonder?

But now we get to the interesting point. A week before this mess took place, a consistent amount of people (their website says a million, but I couldn't check it.) in Italy and around Europe took part in the No Berluscony Day. To organize so many people you need internet, don't u? Also, apparently on Facebook there were a few groups against Berlusconi, we are told these groups were very violent in tones. But don't try to search these groups now, they don't exist anymore. Because Facebook is the new devil (communism was a bit outfashioned it would seem), so the government is taking emergency measures to be able to control the web and close down dangerous sites. I don't know exactly how they will define a site dangerous, but I can easily imagine some of their criteria. Checking the PDL website it would appear that exponents of the party has already contacted Facebook managers to ask for collaboration in this attempt to stop this climate of violence. Still waiting for major reactions to this news. So far very few people seem to care about this.

In the meanwhile the law for short trials seem to be likely to pass, hence the whole of the parliament has agreed that rather than having hundreds of criminals outside prison it is better sorting out a law at personam to keep Berlusconi safe another 3 years.

In the meanwhile someone placed a bomb in a corridor of Bocconi University in Milan. It exploded at 3am the day after the aggression to SB, causing minor damages to a wall. A note with it signed FAI. TV news has been talking for days about this FAI = Federazione Anarchica Informale, supposedly responsible for about 20 bombs in the past 10 years. The whole thing sounded a bit wrong so I checked. Guess what? This Federazione Anarchica Informale does not exist. What exist is the Federazione Anarchica Italian who does not claim responsibility for, but on the contrary condemn the bomb.

Now, I'd better go and read their website more in depth before it is shut down.

Almost no mention of Copenhagen during this week.

John Barleycorn must Die.

Dejavou

2009-11-02T00:44:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Nathan was feeling down and started walking towards the infinite, with me trotting along his side. Not a word was spoken. Just constant, blind, fury. All the way to the motorway, with Tesco's at sight. Silence.

And walking obstinately against the freezing night I remembered.

Remembered my own agonies - not that long ago - my afternoons spent with knife and wine as only companions, my anger against the person I was (and to be honest still am..). And I wanted to say something. To break the wall and console his sorrow. But realized, halfway through the thought, that none can break the wall. There is no word or smile that can heal your wounds...

and I felt old, a veteran of this, used to the practice almost to boredom but yet, a bit outside the circle at times. Actually most times. Me, of all people. Me, who only thursday considered the scissors while drinking from the bottle....

sitting by the highway watching the traffic, it felt like going back in time with the full moon witnessing our mad attempt to stop time in one tear.

at the end we came back, frozen to the bone, dancing on that bitter cheerfulness that only death leaves.

Walked into Ariadne's warm room and felt like another world. Colourful and happy. And she was in another world. The good old pathetic world that does not understand, not even trying hard, because they don't know how to understand. Or what to understand. And she wanted apologies, wanted me to ask him to stop drinking. My God. Who is she to ask that? She obviously doesn't know....... lived her cosy life for 20 years, without accidents. Warm in her pink douve playing the party of the worried friend. I felt tipsy and spaced out.

I definitely prefer the night. Cold and bitter. The bites of deadly agony occasionally calling from the inside, wanting their share of my life. The feeling that I'm in a war, in which whatever ending is determined by me.... lols. The wind in my face. The struggle.

John Barleycorn must die.

God Bless Georgia

2009-08-30T02:09:00.000-07:00

There are some things that you have been told over and over again, understood, but never quite fully assimilated until you try them on your own skin. During my month in Georgia I finally tried on my skin a number of things that I used to take for granted without fully knowing them... so here they are, in no particular order:

You never quite fully appreciate the immense challenges of measuring a meter squared before starting an archaeological dig.
You also never fully appreciate the concept of dust before starting an archaeological dig.
Homo Sapiens Sapiens is one single species all over the world, and despite small cultural differences (which make the exploration all the more interesting tbh) we are all essentially the same..
... as a result I now firmly believe that if a good percentage of individuals would take the trouble to go in a different country and spend a period of time sharing their lives with people there we might be able to have no more wars.
The problem with this is governments. But that is precisely why we need to get rid of them and find a better solution.
The less you have the more generous you are.
The Georgian way, is better than any other way I've experienced so far.
Western countries lack (and terribly so!) in human contact, listening, generosity, altruism, social grooming and all that.
There is no money in the world that could ever buy nights spent with friends drinking and toasting for everything that matters.
Karl Marx might have had a nice idea but the most famous attempt to put it into practice not only was an epic failure but also a way of destroying culture and diversity.
When all animals are equal some animals are always more equal than others.
When equality is imposed it means been all equal in misery.. you really need to see the Georgian landscape scattered with grey concrete houses which are all identical to understand this.
Now finally Communism is dead and we can all feel free to drink Coke and go to MacDonalds, or better, drink coke in MacDonalds.
Or in other words, there is something in the human nature that makes us want to be all the same, but only if we have the illusion of being free to chose to be homologated.
My defense walls of cynicism, egoism and strength can be broken down. Indeed they have been destroyed and - amazingly enough- not only I've survived but I'm also probably a better person.
There is something in the human nature that makes you want to spend your life with one and only one person. Even if the world is full of fit rugby players. Even if that would make you spend less time with your friends and put some limits to your freedom.
"Sometimes love just ain't enough"
God exists.

John Barleycorn must die.

Beauty

2009-06-24T09:16:00.000-07:00

please take a minute, or half an hour, or whatever long it takes, to read this.

I'm still not sure of what to make out of it.

Desperate for opinions.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/04/AR2007040401721.html

John Barleycorn must die

Orfeo & Euridice

2009-05-09T15:02:00.001-07:00

Orfeo: in tears I was looking, not for her, but for myself. For a destiny, if you like. I was listening to myself. My destiny never betrays. I was looking for myself. There is no other thing people look for. Seen from the side of life, everything is beautiful. But believe someone who has been among the dead. It's not worth it. And you people, keep enjoying the party. Everything is allowed to those who don't know yet. But it's necessary that everyone would go down to their hell. The origin of my destiny ended up in Ade, she ended while singing, according to my ways, life and death.

Bacca: but what does it mean that a destiny never betrays?

Orfeo: it means that it is inside you, it's your treasure; deeper than the blood, beyond every inebriation, no god can touch it.

By (obviously) C.P.

missing out

2009-05-01T10:44:00.001-07:00

I miss (terribly) arch&anth people.

I feel like I'm missing out all the archaeology and soch anth fun.

I miss the people who made my year last year. My mates, my friends.

I miss girly nights, parties, banter, midnight hot chocolates, castle mound frolics and chats.

I really need to catch up. But it's not the time, because of bloody exams!

Oh please please please, all you arch&anthers re-enter my life!!

The God Delusion

2009-04-08T05:24:00.001-07:00

I've almost finished Richard Dawkins' highly controversial book. And I must say it's not that great. Well, the first 50/100 pages are just immense! terribly good and witty. The last 200 maybe 300 pages, are pretty good as well, very interesting and with some moments of pure genius and picks of hilarity. But the core chapters are just a bit dull and soaked with a rather too materialistic view. It's too easy to scientifically prove that God doesn't exist. Because God is not scientifically analyzable (in my opinion), you need that spiritual "sth more" to see the presence of God. Richard, however clever and well bred, obviously doesn't have it. Sorry. Oh and he's a bit full of himself too. Let's see how he is in person when he comes to talk to CU BASS. lol

however, I just found this quote which is probably worth the whole book (well, with some other genius-like moments..)

There is something infantile in the presumption that somebody else has a responsibility to give your life meaning and point.(...) Somebody else must be responsible for my well-being and somebody else must be to blame if I'm hurt. (...) The truly adult view, by contrast, is that our life is as meaningful, as full and as wonderful as we chose to make it. And we can make it very wonderful indeed.

Followed by:

However brief our time in the sun, if we waste a second of it, or complain that it is dull or barren or boring, could it be seen as a callous insult to those unborn trillions who will never even be offered life in the firs place? (...) The knowledge that we have only one life should make it all the more precious.

Oh and he uses the word obnoxious as well, which is possibly my word of the week!

Overall a good read.

John Barleycorn must die.

2009-03-16T00:33:00.000-07:00

Answers in Genesis.

Herzberg and I went down to London to hear this crazy chap talking about creation. Why we did it? God knows. It was like being punched in the face for an hour. Here are my notes, word by word. Enjoy.

Our Creation museum teaches both points of view, but obviously teaches that one is WRONG!

The 7Cs= Creation, Corruption, Confusion, Catastrophe, Christ, Cross, Communion (not quite sure about the last one...)

"If the foundations are destroyed, what can the righteous do?" Psalms, 11:3

Genesis is the foundation of the Bible, if you take it away the whole Bible will collapse.

I had this argument with a teacher who was saying that Genesis is just symbolic. Just symbolic?? The original sin was not symbolic! Otherwise we would all be symbolic sinners, which doesn't make any sense!! We ARE guilty!!

The holiness of marriage is stated in Genesis too. Because men and women are created from one flesh which reunite in marriage. If, say, we descend from apes, than this meaning is destroyed and all sort of sins can come in, even gay marriage!!

Also, why do you think we have weeks of seven days? Because of the Genesis! The world was created in 7 days, not billion of years!!

If we refute Genesis, than we are mining the authority of God. And we don't want a world in which man is the authority.

Darwin is responsible for the decline of Christianity in the West, especially in the UK. We are losing the Christian basis of the West. (So what?! say I)

We are under the Genesis 3 attack! = when God said "you should no eat for the tree of knowledge!" (is knowledge so terrible?) And the snake then tempted Eve by saying "Did God REALLY say that??"

= not accepting totally the word of God. Even the Church has succumbed to disbelief.

Evolution proves that you can't trust the Bible.

Obama, in a statement, said that America is not just a Christian nation, but also a jew, moslim etc one. This is the beginning of the end!!

John, 13:2 If you don't believe the earthly things, how can you believe the heavenly things?

= if you don't believe in Genesis, how can you believe in the Gospel??

Those who invented evolution were sinners who needed a justification for not believing in the Bible and thus made up a story.

The whole theory of evolution stands on the idea that things evolved in billions of years. But billion of years is a concept not even thinkable by the human mind!! there was never all that time.. the world was created in 6 days! (I don't have a problem in thinking million of years. Do u?)

Darwin influenced racism and school violence. In the '40s in america were teaching that we have 5 races. And Pekka-Eric Auvien, left a video in which he was calling himself naturalselector. (Americans are pretty fucked up, so what?!)

Darwin influenced atheism, which is obviously he worst thing in the world. Atheists use Christian who are willing to compromise (like Catholics) to destroy the Christian faith.

Darwin influenced the Church. He's buried in Westminster Abbey, the church is honoring this devil!

Evolution and the problem of death -->If your believe in evolution, you believe that death, suffering, disease etc. existed before Adam's sin. But in the beginning of the creation God said that all he created was good. Are we denying this fact?

Adam's sin is our sin. Everything from that point is our fault. What Hitler did is our fault. Because of the original sin= death.

+ Geology is false. Layers of rock can be deposited in just 2 days by vulcan eruption. Which happened during the flood. By the same tokens fossils are just the rests of those sinners who died in the flood. God is making them appear= we should interpret it as a sign that a new flood is coming and all get on board of the Christian new Noah's ark..

The worst thing it that the church was packed with people nodding. Oh and kids.

Now, I don't have a problem with personal believes but a) this was an insult to human logic. b) if that's the dominant power in America we do have a big problem.

Bring back the Middle Ages.

John barlerycorn must die

2009-03-08T01:56:00.000-08:00

What is cambridge?

I should be writing an essay but at the moment I feel so frustrated toward people that this terribly deep thought just stroke me.

So.. what is Cambridge?

Cambridge is a bubble. A place outside the world, a universe on its own, rounded and perfect. A caleidoscope of opportunity. A platform for any career. A factory for people. Cambridge takes in kids and spits out people after only three years. You get into Cambridge without a clue on how to survive (in most cases at least) and in the space of few months u learn it. Wonder.

It's not only about learning what you have to learn and do well in exams. It's more about learning how to write emails, and that u need to reply to them quick; enjoying all opportunities or at least as many as u can; interacting with people and creating life-lasting bonding; organizing your time; working in a team; learning that people could be frustrating and useless even when they have to be useful!; learning that friends are often NOT the best people to work with; learning what it feels like to lose and what to win. It's a challenge, to overcome all weaknesses and be strong enough not to be won by crisis and difficulties.

That's why I love it.

John Barleycorn must die.

2009-02-20T15:58:00.000-08:00

Ciò che Dio unisce, l'uomo non sciolga!

I miss sitting down with music on and writing my heart out.

I miss pondering over my past day and making resolutions for tomorrow.

I miss sitting with friends talking about politics until 4am.

or talking about God, or war, or whatever really until 4am.

I miss good food.

I miss a good night sleep.

I miss taking the bus to go somewhere... spending hours looking out the window and thinking.

I miss reading novels.

I miss my bed.

I miss being in control of my life rather than waking up one morning to discover 6 weeks have gone without me noticing.

I miss a good cry.

I miss a good bitch.

I miss having time to actually feel miserable or happy, rather than getting the feeling I should be miserable but I don't actually have the time.

I don't like my life going so fast. I want it to slow down again. And I want a meaning.. a dream to pull me on.

need a holiday

2009-01-31T08:25:00.000-08:00

I don't get it...

... there is a lot of thing that I don't understand, no matter how hard I try. I'll write down a list before it gets lost in the labyrinth of my mind (dangerous place..). So there u go..

I don't understand:

1. ... british poshness and politeness. Not that it isn't fascinating to watch the english but I seriously think they can't be imitated in their manners.

2. ... my political views. I know where I'm standing but at the same time I don't. My dream for a better world is too crazy and peculiar to find people who share it.

3. ... why I'm still too shy to go and talk to my lecturer. especially when I know I really need to.

4. ... the crazy little person in my mind who continuously forces me to make choices I don't fully understand. He (is it a he? bah..) has his own peculiar reasons and is so kind to warn me with dreams before bombing my conscious plans. Still I don't really get what his plans are...

5. ... Evangelic Christians.

6. ... why I feel the urgent need to break down and cry. Mourning the death of my dream. And all the deaths I haven't had time to mourn properly.

7. ... evolutionary genetics.

John barleycorn must die

2009-01-26T16:29:00.000-08:00

OH DEAR

random thoughts in random order.

1. occupation. Cambridge students are occupying in favour of Gaza. Demanding the intervention of the university. On that point sir: the occupation seems far to civilized to me. They are being very polite and very british. No bombs, vandalism, shouts, incovenients for other students, nothing, just pacific protest. Good Lord! so different from Italy. I didn't go and probably won't. Not because I don't agree but in name of my old good principle of not getting involved. It's either me leading the revolution or me staying at home. I'm there in spirit tho.

2. I'm here at 4 o'clock in the morning, anguish, a bit of wine and will to course. (not to quote Francesco there..) same silly behaviour. same panic. same me. hell yeah!! but good point is that I'm loving in it. good news innit? I'll probs go to bed in a tick just for kicks, just to forget about all this, cough and die. Good plan.

In the meantime

John Barleycorn must die

2009-01-23T06:11:00.000-08:00

HAMLET

(or the page-worth of notes I took before going to see the play..)

What was the last time I've been writing?

Bah, months ago. I find myself in the ADC bar with my snotty nose ready run after a dream. Alone. And that dream is not mine anymore.

Is this a jump in the past? An attempt of resurrecting the dream?

I'd rather say I'm here for cultural reasons, for Shakespeare. Not that I believe in this but it comes as a consolation in this crazy life. I've been here for less than a week and I already feel the lack of sleep, I'll pay for my late nights. But not now. Now I'm busy running, doing, dreaming, hoping.. and god knows what else.

It has been months since I last asked myself who I am and in what I believe.

Do I still believe in something?

***play*** interval***

I believe in Hamlet.

In beauty. In the immense poetry of a forgotten language; in the joy of understanding, in only a word out of a thousand. I believe in that visage. No, not in THAT visage, I believe in recognizing a visage unknown as it was familiar because I've been hoping in it. I believe in placing my hopes in hope, amen. I believe in running away from reality in any possible way. In the dark of a theatre before the curtains rise and after they fell again. I believe in silence and in the power of the word. In the white page and in the black ink. In the immortality of art.

It's not a matter of " to be or not to be", it's more a matter of leaving a trace of our passage, or leaving without people noticing.

Hamlet left a trace of himself.

And I?

(just realized in Italian it sounded much better.. the trouble of translation..)

2008-12-22T10:02:00.000-08:00

Black Books

Customer: Excuse me?

Bernard: What? What!?

Customer: Do you have anything by Adam Philips?

Bernard: How would I know? Go to a proper bookshop

Customer: Look... there is no other way to say this, but I didn't come here to be insulted!

Bernard: Well, I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. You know, in another life, maybe we could have been brothers, running a small quirky taverna in Sicily. Maybe we would have married the local twins, instead of wasting each other's time here in this dump. But it was not to be... so hop it!

Fran: So what's it like then? The fags and booze.

Bernard: Well, to be honest, after years of smoking and drinking you do sometimes look at yourself and think...

Fran: yep..

Bernard: you know, just sometimes, in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that four hundredth glass of cornershop piss at 3am, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...

Fran: yep....

Bernard: .... "this is fantastic. I'm in heaven."

Bernard: Do you eat? I do. Do you want to do it in the same room, sometime?

2008-11-30T13:48:00.000-08:00

Pondering & Feelings

I fear i got a bit carried away by dreams and thoughts.. as usual.

And fever doesn't help, for what that matters.. shame.

I should really have learned my lesson by now: DON'T dream over people.

Just don't.

Cose reality is gonna hurt a lot more when u compare it to dreams.

Pretty straightforward, isn't it?

Then why can't I just remember it?

John Barleycorn must die

2008-11-23T06:47:00.000-08:00

...DAY-DREAMING...

"... because only in dream and death, oh my poor old man, we can find ourselves..."

Good old Cesare is always right, isn't he?

We find ourselves only in death, I dare say. And in dream, because dreaming is death. It doesn't kill, it is death itself. The moment u start dreaming u enter the kingdom of death. U find yourself and struggle back, each time a little bit stronger. Each time having lost sth in the process.

Dreaming is a sweet sweet suicide, that can be reversed if u wish so.

This past week has been a dreamy week.

And now I find myself in Ade.

With an essay to write

and my spirit crying to leave me.

...back to earth then...

2008-11-20T06:21:00.000-08:00

The Road Not Taken

I increasingly find myself not able to take a decision. Not that I was ever able to do so, but lately this wonderful inability has become a problem. Well, not a real problem. My life goes on smoothly even if I decide that I can't be asked and I'll just go on ignoring that I should have been making important decision. (sounds like a joke, I decide not to the decide.. mmm..)

Robert Frost keeps up the illusion that my choices have a poetic dimension. But again, they usually involve choosing stuff like "shall I go to a play or to my friend's birthday party?" It's perfectly clear to me which one would be the road less travelled by, but it is at least as clear that if I take it that decision is not gonna make any difference.

So now, I have to road diverging in front of me.. the less travelled by and the easy one. My contorted and masochist mind would say go straight for the less travelled by and the world can fuck off.. while my kanckered body and lazy heart would rather go for an easy peasy walk, perhaps even with the company of someone to talk to...

Dilemma.

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. "I exercise the right not to walk."

2008-11-13T09:53:00.000-08:00

SBA

Got the idea.
Got all excited about it. Just like I was for the arch&anth dinner last year.
Started working for it (just because I was unable to concentrate on anything else).
Called for people to help around or at least show a tiny little bit of interested.
Got really crossed cose none seemed interested as much as I am.
Still excited. Still crossed.
Still willing to fight for it even if it will mean a massive crisis like last year and a massive amount of courage.
Still feeling lonely in my fight.
Because I'm not a person of action. I'm the one who sit there and contemplate and wait for the inspiration to write a poem.
But I've learned that u can't just wait for your dreams to magically realized.
U have to fight for them
And I will.
Fight.
Even if I don't like it.
Even if I'd rather sit and wait. and cry.
I'll get it done.

2008-11-04T15:24:00.000-08:00

TOP 10

Top 10 people in the world...
well, the 10 people I admire the most or keep the best memory of...or just think are great..

1. Meave Leakey
2. Jane Goodall
3. Marta Mirazon Lahr (God know why she keeps that surname)
3. Robert Foley
5. Jay Stock
6. Francesco Guccini
7. Adam Jones
8. Massimo Bonola (nonostante tutto)
9. Gobetti (and all the partisans)
10. James Galway

2008-10-30T12:40:00.000-07:00

FRIDGE MAGNET POEM

I've hoped, against hope,
one last time.
I've rejoiced in the happy illusion
and my heart cried with disappointment
when the evidence
(damned reality so crude and dry!)
proved I was wrong.
What now?
It's not a big deal
I know how to rise again from the ground
bring on Baccus and Tobaccus,
bring on happy desperation,
bring on life!

Song of the day,

Massimo di Cataldo, "se adesso te ne vai."

2008-10-26T09:59:00.000-07:00

ESSAY BREAK

... bored of un-identified australopithecine bones I've opted for something slightly more fun. It goes like this: do u remember Amelie? the very beginning, when the voice lists 3 things that Amelie's parents love and hate.. I've always thought it is a good way of describing a person, u get a detailed idea of that person's personality (far too many "person" in this sentence...) only through what they like or not. so here we go.. Marghe's 3 Love & Hate

Love
pulling little stone out of my shoes soles (preferably with a pen)
smoking outside fitz at night and having small conversations with drunk fitzbillies who walk in in gown
waking up in the middle of the night getting the feeling I'm the only person awake in the world and stalk out of the window to see Fitz asleep

Hate
painted feet finger nails
getting the feeling to have done sth wrong
being forced to avoid people.

Of course there's a lot more to it.. but I did have only 3 spaces.. I'll write another list pretty soon...

John Barleycorn must die

2008-10-19T11:06:00.000-07:00

CHAOS

Good old cambridge, good old chaos.
Looks like I'm not able to stay in the same place for longer than a few months. Not that I dislike it but I feel I could hurt people around me.
Point is: people just bore me. After a while. Whenever I get the feeling somebody is getting close enough to "touch my heart" (just not to quote Patty...) I turn round and run. Fact. And right before running I do all that is in my power to hurt that person, and show how cold, cruel, vicious and unpleasant I can be. So that I leave only surprise and a nasty taste behind me. And then, as said , I run. Fact.
people always try to make me stay, or at least understand. Waste of time.
I myself have tried to understand, but no explanation is satisfactory.
I'm like the dog that lets u stroke him until your face is close enough and then bites. Right there.

CAVE CANEM

John Barleycorn must die

2008-10-08T11:50:00.000-07:00

HOME

back in the Bridge. Not much to say actually.. just that I'm increasingly realizing how much my life is driven by feelings and sensations.. I definitely make my choices only (well, almost only ) on the basis of feelings I get when I visit a place or meet someone. Going back to the LCHES today I felt home, a weird feeling tbh, and suddenly remembered how I've always felt home in that place. ergo, I probably chose to do bioanth just because of the feeling I get from that friendly environment... but, it is a good way of making choices? and most of all, will I always be able to find places where I feel home so much?
God knows..
... bioanth is the way forward for the time being tho!

John Barleycorn must die.

2008-08-03T10:34:00.000-07:00

DE OZIO

I increasingly find myself staring at my laptop without really doing anything apart from being jealous of other people's exotic holidays, and listening to Kid Rock (btw, his last album is just awesome!!!) ... I get the feeling I should be doing sth productive, and clearly remember I did have a plan including loads of jogging and at least as much reading.. I do get excited in front of next term's lectures and think "oh yehay, I'm gonna to all the reading right now, and maybe even go through some of the lecture notes!! they are just too cool.." but then I do nothing but sleeping and waiting for watching Wanted.. It might be that it's too hot to move or even think but I really get the feeling I'm wasting my time, and still don't have the strength to react and do sth with it!!! I keep thinking I'll start tomorrow... but a month has come and past and tomorrow has yet to come....... I'm just lazy. I need cambridge to become productive... but cambridge won't come until october....................

right.. tomorrow I'll do sth productive, I swear! It's monday, always a good day to start....

2008-06-14T13:38:00.000-07:00

LAME

It's not only because I got a terribly painful swollen foot at the moment.. but sometimes I really get the feeling I'm behind. I'm limping behind the others like an old pirates with a wooden leg.
It's not really true.. I know that I aim for to much.. reaching for the moon makes u forget that there is a planet under your feet, but when I do realize I need to walk on this ground I feel like I'm an outsider.
and I am perhaps.
some people just know how to succeed, I just don't. I live in my dreams, love them and take for granted that reality should be like them. keep forgetting that reality is just the good old crap. should I stop dreaming? seems like a solution. but not for me.
my dreams are my fuel. the only consolation when the monster inside me turns alive and nothing else could help.
I expect friends to understand.. but they can't.. who could?
Not even I get the meaning of all this. I simply live with it. But can't ask other people to share with me.. I know I can't. would be far too cruel. and yet I keep getting cross if people aren't able to understand, respect.. I get crossed when I find mediocrity in people I spend my time with.
I'm even starting to think I'm infinitely superior to the rest of the world (or at least well different). and that's bad. I'm still waiting for somebody like me... does this person exist? perhaps not..
perhaps I should just be content with what I got....
perhaps not

2008-06-09T06:33:00.000-07:00

SABRINA

Maybe the Moon is reaching for me this time.
Not saying that it will come down the sky for me.
But at the moment I feel like I'm flying up to the sky without reaching for anything..
.. just flying.

And the Moon will notice. Maybe. Nothing is impossible.

Dritti alla meta e coquista la preda!

2008-06-04T13:04:00.000-07:00

SYMBOLS

What restrains me? Same old fears. Same old idiocy. I've been deceiving myself with a promise of courage. No way. I'm still the good old loser. And so? Am I gonna win myself this time? Am I gonna fight this battle and prove myself I'm different? I will. But not for me. No. I'll do it for a dream. A dream which is clearly impossible, out of reach. I'm reaching for the moon, again. And the moon won't come to me. Even if I win this battle. It will still be there.. miles away from me. What's the sense of all this then? What am I fighting for? What I'm trying to reach. I know it's impossible. I know...
But I keep fooling my weak mind with promises of happiness. Is that right. I don't know.. but it's my fuel, my dream, my direction. And I'll follow it. Cose I feel it's the right direction. Even if the moon won't come down the sky for me.

2008-06-01T09:45:00.000-07:00

LOVE LIFE

I'm rather pissed off.
with myself first of all.. I should have known my limits, should have remembered that I'm crap at organizing even my own life, should have known I'm fragile and unstable and under stress even if I pretend I'm not.
what was I thinking when I decided to put myself in this?
I'm sure it's gonna work at the end.. but I should have left the job to somebody stronger.

with people secondly.. there's no much they can do.. but they look/sound rather disinterested.. again, should have remembered people can't be bothered, which is a good strategy for survival, but risk sometimes keeps u alive and have a better pay off in the long term (if u don't fail miserably in between, of course..) I like to think that I'm taking a risk... and failing, as usual, but at least I'm doing sth.

with Liz, as a third term of this equation. Because friends are those who dry your tears, and are there when u need help. U can't have my friendship if all that is for u is a biscuit and being silly. Grow up woman, stop giggling and thinking only to your stomach and self-existence. generosity and maturity. that's what u lack.. U can live well enough without them but remember that people get annoyed after having noticed that there's nothing more than childish behaviour that u can offer.

I take it as a test, It's my fault, fair enough, but I will win this challenge and get my price. I don't care. I'll stop being nice and patient I'll be nasty, selfish and get what I want. end of story!!

and Thanks to Bella and Katie for cheering me up and being generally amazing!!!

2008-05-14T14:42:00.000-07:00

ROMEO & JULIET

I have a dream...
... no body is dreaming it for me, tho
therefore it can't be real...
... u need to be 2 to make a dream real
dreaming together is reality...
... dreaming alone is port and cigarettes
and I can fall only for chain of gold...
... chain of silver is not shining enough
I can't do the talk like they do on tv...
... I don't wanna be that banal
I'm reaching for the moon...
... and the moon keep her sky
and doesn't move down...
... and doesn't look at me
perhaps it's better like this...
... but I'm in pain,
pain for the man of the moon..
...and my broken heart
cries silent tears of hope...
... and all I do is kiss u through the bars of a rime
and dream my dream for u...

2008-04-19T16:44:00.000-07:00

CAMBRIDGE

How many post did I already write with this title? millions probably... who cares?
God didn't save Italy, but saved me! I'm back, determined to rock this term! amazing how only 5 weeks made me forget I much I love staying up until 1 am (when early) chatting with friends, and then walking in the rain and get all shining; rolling down hill to sansbury; going to the buttery; walking through Fitz feeling as home as I've never felt; laughing a lot; playing darts in the bar; decorating my room; unpacking with the feeling of being starting sth new and yet great; checking facebook hundreds times in half an hour... and so on... I simply love Cambridge!!! what more can I say?!
nothing, Cambridge says everything.
glad to be back!

2008-04-11T12:25:00.000-07:00

ELECTIONS...

Elections should be the way in which citizens of a country express their preference and somehow influence the destiny of the nation. Is it really like that? Not in Italy. Here the main concern is on how to fire the same old, fake faces from our tv screens... here people get over-excited when somebody suggests a good strategy for making the next government last as less as possible and possibly showing those guys that everybody in Italy is tired of them. Encouraging.
Democracy should be the type of government in which people (demos..) govern, and make decision. In Italy, politicians are separated ethnic group, with it's own rules and it's own conception of reality, which is always slightly different from everybody else's point of view. Politicians are the only ones in the whole country that earn an awful lot of money without working, the only ones who still smiles and think that the future is pink. They don't share anything with the rest of the country, I might say they are not Italian.
But coming back to Elections. Choice is between a young good catholic guy who still kisses the hand of the Pope and Mr. Berlusconi who no more than 20 minutes ago proudly affirmed that Italian magistrates have brought 91 actions against him on courts. (at least half of which for corruption). Those bastards. Now, what am I supposed to do? Do we have a solution, or are we condemned to be governed by these people? Is there a way of escaping this (apart from getting a british citizenship right now..) or is this gonna last for ever?
who knows... 24 hours to the elections... God save Italy

2008-03-12T15:50:00.000-07:00

THE GLASS MENAGERIE

Tonight and only tonight, thanks to the wonderful job of Tennessee Williams and Josh, I realized how much have I changed.. and what a beautiful person I've become. It's not a matter of arrogance, just of self consciousness. I used to be a sort of mixture between the shy desperation of Laura Wingfield and the boiling anger/boredom of her brother. I used to see the world through a gigantic glass menagerie. I used to cry. Now, I'm over it, I'm alive. Now I can sit in a theatre and watch all of it and feel distant, free. I'm out, running in the wind, feeling the sun on my skin, knowing that I'm alive. I am a full, autonomous person. That doesn't mean I'm not crashing into every possible mistake ever, no, but this mean I'm happy to crash into mistakes and not terrified of living anymore.
When I came out of the theatre earlier, I was truly happy and walked up castle mound and looked the world down and felt incredibly powerful. The wind was blowing me away, Cambridge under me was shining of lights and history, and I knew this is my place. This is the place I belong to. It was just waiting for me. Or maybe I was waiting for Cambridge to open my mind and heart and blow away the curtain of depression above my eyes. And I, well I sounded my barbaric yawp over the rooftops of the world.

2008-02-28T12:00:00.000-08:00

I thought it was over.
It was not.
I thought I was safe.
I was not.
I thought I won myself.
I had not.

I am still, or perhaps, once again,
on the edge of the gorge,
completely alone,
struggling to keep myself up.

Nobody but me can help,
nobody,
and I have not the strength to win
to stay up.
I am slowly sliding down.
down
down
down

2008-02-24T03:03:00.000-08:00

BEPE'S BACK!!!

Back to reality.. back to myself!! oh joy... I am still the old clumsy loser, still the same inveterate dreamer, still Bepe. Despite the appearances, I'm glad of it. Found my self desperately trying to understand other people by supposing they are like me... found myself walking alone imagining situations that will never happen... found myself happy with that!! and yet, if I was confused by the language, I found out that people are the same all over the world, different cultures maybe, but same fears and dreams, if I trust my abilities I still can project myself in other people's mind and understand them without translation and treasure what I've found. I still can do it!!! I have not lost that gift, perhaps my only one... that makes me happy.
That doesn't mean I'll obtain what I'm struggling for, nor that will use my gift to surprise people as I have done in the past... no, this time I'll keep it as my last resource, I deserve to be valued for other features. Still getting to know that I haven't lost my identity make me feel home. Welcome back Bepe...

2008-02-10T13:07:00.000-08:00

DREAMS.....

Once again I need the help of Sigmund Freud to try to give a sense to my twisted psyche... once again, I realize he's damn dead.. so once again I ask people to listen to my weird, silly dreams and give them some kind of interpretation... ready? here it is:

PREMISE: (mmm... being this a public space I won't use real names, and indeed I don't think they matter that much...) Friday night I drunk a little bit too much, lately this always throws me in a silly sad mood, so while everybody is dancing and having fun I seat in a corner and think " bloody island!"... in addition to that there is the annoying fact that I happen to fancy somebody, this always throw me in a silly sad mood, with or without alcohol. Hence, since 1+1=2 friday I was in a particularly silly/sad/jealous mood also due to a considerable number of girls dancing around (and not only around), my Guido of the moment. Fine. I went home, talked and laughed a bit with a friend, he made me knock on Guido's room to say goodnight, I was completely pissed by that time so I just laughed for a solid 10 minutes.... then straight to bed.... and dream.....

DREAM: I've dreamt the exact scene, me and my friend in the corridor, laughing, knocking on Guido's (not heaven's) door...all normal..but the dream went on and Guido said (I don't remember the exact words, it was sth on this line tho..):" Why the hell are you jealous?! even if I appear to fancy one of these girl, is only for one night, keep hoping, you are my future..." Something like that... I'm not even sure my dream was in english...

I've asked my friend who studies psychology but she was just too keen in reassuring me and her interpretation quite fast.. any ideas? thanks a lot

2008-02-05T09:24:00.000-08:00

LIFE

Just to be in contrast with the latest tendency of this blog... I should be writing an essay about plague and strategies for survival, instead, I'm listening to Ronan Keating and thinking, never mind, I like it this way. Despite the title I get the feeling this post will actually be about death, once again. It will be about strategy for survival as well, in his/my own particular way.
Just about a year a go I was writing " you cannot cancel God from your life only because people you love die.." I do not know if was that sentence that let to all that happened later on, what I know is that particular piece of writing made a friend become such. It was worthy. Now I'd like to say that sentence was wrong, totally wrong. I do believe death, exactly like love, makes one ponder about the deep meaning of life, including God. Only through death and love one can really decide how he/she wants to live and wether or not there is a God. I am, now, dealing with both death and love and struggling like never before to keep me sane, alive, happy... truth is I'm deeply upset. This feeling of total sadness, loneliness, abandonment is permeating every thought and action. I cannot think or concentrate on my work, I am simply lost. I've started this year with the best intentions and expectations, what I got is a series of deaths and bad news. I feel defrauded. I was happy, for the first time in my life. Now I cannot stop crying. Mascie-Talyor said that january is the most common month for committing suicide, it may be true, it may be only the winter and the rain..but it may be not. I do love life more than I've ever done, but I've lost confidence, everything seems again too big for me... I keep saying to myself "go on, this is the right place, you deserve it, all you have to do is relax take a step back and leave Cambridge to do the rest it will save you again and make you a better person, a proper one..." apparently it doesn't work this time... maybe I just need to sleep and take my time.. however, I need to find a way out, right now. I need a strategy for survival, a genetic, social or technological trick to survive this week!!! I need it now. I need a hug as well, a huge long one....I need to cry this all out.. I need to die.. rise the third day...

2008-02-01T04:11:00.000-08:00

PEOPLE....

I realize only now how much do people matter in my life... I'm not talking about the sad period of my life in which not knowing myself made me desperately try to copy/become like other people... still, every single great decision in my life has been made because I met somebody who with his/her simple living made me feel deep inside the need to give my life a precise direction, it doesn't matter if that particular resolution lasted for years or just for few minutes, what matters is that some people somehow did change my life! names are too many to remember them all... off top of my head: Cesare Pavese, Cristina, Rebecca, Monica, Sarah, Diego, Fuma, my 2 grandmas, Giovanni (both ones), Massimo Bonola, Adam Jones, my mum, my dad, Don Massimo, Federico, Jay Stock, Alan Macfarlane... and many many others.. I cannot find words enough to thank you all for making me the person I am, for having guided my choices to this place and this life! there is a reason for everything, probably you are the deepest reason of my choices.. thanks...
people do matter a lot in our life, if could only collect all that they have to teach us we would live far better... my resolution remains the same: dedicate my life to people, because they brought me from death to life!
thanks

2008-01-26T15:30:00.000-08:00

MELANCHOLY

I've already demonstrated in my dissertation how melancholy and genius are strictly related being the former the source of the latter... however, I'd like to add that the conviction that you may be a genius doesn't help at all when all your mind and body are filled up with unbearable sadness. Thinking that you may be remembered for ever for your inestimable work of poetry, doesn't make you feel better when you see that you are actually a loser. Real life is a tricky business, that's all I have to say. Being thrown in the world after you've been living only in your mind for ages might be a bit painful from time to time... and I'm slipping, again, in the tortuous ways of my imagination, I'm feeling again how is it like to be in and outside the world at same time, to be lonely like none has never been, to be so weak and yet so powerful, I'm tasting again the deepest melancholy of my soul and loving the bitter, I feel so close to the gods, I'm actually dancing on the razor that separates life and death. The choice between absolute triumph and total rout it's only in my hands. I'm the master of this bloody show.
It's all in my mind.
The whole world.
In my mind.

2008-01-23T09:19:00.000-08:00

DEATH

This is NOT gonna be a remake of J. Stock lecture... this is more likely going to be a requiem, here I cry Giovanni, and with him my 2 grandmothers, never cried enough, and all the special people who left this world.
I will not say they left too early, I do believe people always leave at the right time for them and for the others: there is a time for everything, even for dying. Still, I feel that life without Giovanni will be different, as it has been without my grandmas... people leave an empty niche which will be fill with tears, memories and dreams. People leave a sign in our lives, they become our heros, our stars. Their departure leaves a mark.
But we, the survivals, should keep on going, carry on the show, this bloody empty show, (the show must go on) and make treasure of everything we've learned from the once living. I'll go on, can't stop actually, but I know one little piece of my heart is now gone, in a grave, with him.
Just want to thank for the incommensurable chance I got to know him, thanks for the smiles, the wonderful words, for your happiness, your dedication, your love, thanks for holding my hand that day in church, thanks making me feel special, thanks for having crossed my road, thanks for having lived so closed and yet so far from me, thanks for your life. Thanks, wherever you are now, thank you!!!
And I hope I'll stop crying at a certain point...

"I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye..."

Rest in Peace

2008-01-16T02:55:00.000-08:00

CAMBRIDGE.....

Here I am, back in the 'Bridge, back to life.
This time, I know how does this life work, I know what to do and how, I know my daily routine...
I can stop worrying about what will happen to me and start to enjoy every single second, every single opportunity...
I realized I have no time for dreams, cose I'm already living one, but also and above all, cose they are what have ruined my life...
No more dream, it's time to size the day...
I'm stronger this time, I know that I can go back to the other half/live and survive...
I know what to do with my time, my life, the academic part of it..
I know what to do with myself
No more fears..
Cambridge saved me.

2008-01-04T23:57:00.001-08:00

INCONTRO

Un anno è passato, volato come un battito d'ali o lo schiocco di una frusta...un anno, di cui gli ultimi due mesi sono valsi come una vita, un anno esatto da quando tu, amico mio, bussavi alla mia porta...ah, allora credevo che ogni rintocco del battente fosse un battito di speranza per il mio cuore, allora trepidavo e fremevo e mi preoccupavo di rispondere col tono giusto... oh ci penso ora e come mi sembra futile, che perdita di tempo, perchè mai? cos'era quel tuo bussare infondo? un soffio leggero del vento sulla soglia. Perchè mai m'affannavo a spiarti dalle finestre in ansia? neanche avessi avuto una treccia da gettarti dalla torre, neanche fossi stato tu, il più ardito o valoroso o anche affascinante dei cavalieri. Oh, come mi sembra sciocco ora... e quanto sciocca ero io nell' impiegare così la mia già breve esistenza! Eppure, eppure, in qualche modo amavo discorrere con te, non che fossero vere discussioni, l'arte dell'ascoltare non è mai stata il tuo forte e probabilmente mai lo sarà; e ogni volta mi sorprendeva come riuscissi a fare chilometri per parlare con me e poi decidessi di colpo che avevi di meglio da fare, quel modo brusco con cui ti avvalevi del silenzio per eruttare i tuoi pensieri e poi il tuo sparire così. Io rinchiusa nella torre, senza mai mostrarmi davvero ascoltavo, ridevo anche, non ho mai avuto nessuno che mi ascoltasse e di certo non lo avrei chiesto a te, ma essere zittita così era seccante..... Eppure, eppure, in qualche modo ero felice nella mia beata illusione di essere l'unica, o quasi, a poter scorgere un cuore oltre la corazza e speravo invano di poterti convincere a smettere l'armatura, la difesa e mostrare quell'animo gentile... sciocca illusa, come perdevo il mio tempo! non avevo questi privilegi e mai li avrei avuti, l'unica mia attività era la fantasia, il sogno, e avevo tessuto su di te favole degne di Omero, tutte fandogne, sciocchezze da ragazzina, ora lo so e ne rido..Che motivo avevi tu, di spogliarti di una corazza decennale difronte a una sconosciuta? nessuno...
Eppure, eppure, ti devo ringraziare per aver colorito di poesia momenti altrimenti morti di quest'anno lungo e strano, per avermi fornito, a volte, il carburante, la spinta emozionale gisusta per andare avanti con un sorriso, per godere di un tramonto svedese e apprezzare appieno la gioia del vento alla pelle. Per avermi illusa e accompagnata, per avermi ascoltata per quel poco che sai fare tu, per avermi donato le gioie e i pianti più sinceri di quest'anno. Grazie.

E pensavo dondolato dal vagone,
cara amica il tempo prende, il tempo dà,
noi corriamo sempre in una direzione ma,
quale sia e che senso abbia chi lo sa.

Restano i sogni senza tempo,
le impressioni di un momento,
le luci nel buio intraviste da un treno,
siamo qualcosa che non resta, frasi vuote nella testa,
nel cuore di simboli pieno.

2007-12-24T05:54:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Here we go, another year has come and passed, but this time looking back I can see how my life has changed in these 12 months ... and looking forward I can see (or only imagine?) how wonderful will be next year!!! for the first time I can say I'm alive... for the first time I'm deeply happy and I feel that all my dreams are just about to become reality because I'm finally strong enough to stand for them and size the day... so Merry Christmas everybody, and best wishes for next year, which is surely gonna be fantastic!!!

2007-12-05T09:30:00.000-08:00

GOING HOME...

Here I am,with my half smashed face, packing my stuff with a funny sad mood covering all my moves like a cover...I don't wanna go. I'm living in a dream, I don't want to weak up. I fear that these 2 marvelous months could not be enough, that all my achievements, my goals, all the strength I now feel in my flesh, in my hand, could disappear as soon as I reach that bloody soil. I know, I know, we are who we chose to be, still I'm scared. I don't wanna go. Let me dream a little bit more.... let me here please... let me feel that I deserve to live, that I'm not shit, that I am. please, let me stay in Cambridge...............

2007-11-27T16:55:00.000-08:00

FAREWELL

E sorridevi e sapevi sorridere, coi tuoi vent'anni portati cos',
come si porta un maglione sformato su un paio di jeans,
come si sente la voglia di viver che scoppia un giorno e non spieghi il perchè,
un pensiero cullato, un amore che è nato e non sai che cos'è.

Giorni lunghi, tra ieri e domani, giorni strani,
giorni a chiedersi tutto cos'era, verdi ogni sera.
ogni sera passare su a prenderti con quel mio buffo montone orientale,
ogni sera là a passo di danza, salire le scale
e sentire i tuoi passi che arrivano, il tinninare del tuo buonumore,
quando aprivi la porta il sorriso ogni volta mi entrava nel cuore.

Poi giù al bar, dove ci si ritrova, nostra alcova,
era tanto potere parlarci, giocare a guardarci,
tra gli amici che ridono e suonano, attorno ai tavoli, pieni di vino,
religione del tirare tardi e aspettare mattino,
poi una notte lasciasti portarti via, solo la nebbia e noi due in sentinella
la città addormentata non era mai stata così tanto bella!

Era facile vivere allora, ogni ora,
chitarre e lampi di storie fugaci, di amori rapaci
e ogni notte inventarsi una fantasia da bravi figli dell'epoca nuova,
ogni notte sembravi chiamare la vita a una prova.
Ma stupiti e felici scoprimmo che era nato qualcosa più in fondo
ci sembrava di avere trovato la chiave segreta del mondo.

Non fu facile volersi bene, restare assieme
o pensare di avere un domani e restare lontani,
tutti e due a domandarsi con chi sarà, in ogni cosa un pensiero costante,
un pensiero lucente e durissimo come il diamante,
e la notte lasciarsi portare via da un emozione non piena non colta,
rivedersi era come rinascere ancora una volta.

Ma ogni storia ha la sua conclusione, stessa illusione,
il peccato fu creder speciale una storia normale,
ora il tempo ci usura e ci stritola in ogni giorno che passa correndo,
sembra quasi che ironico scruti e ci guardi irridendo,
e davvero non siamo più quegli eroi pronti assieme ad affrontare ogni impresa
siamo solo due foglie aggrappate su un ramo in attesa.

the triangle timples and the trumpet plays slow

farewell non pensarci e perdonami se ti ho portato via un poco d'estate
o qualcosa di fragile come le storie passate;
forse un tempo poteva commuoverti, ma ora è inutile credo perchè
ogni volta che piangi o che ridi non piangi e non ridi con me.

2007-11-23T05:22:00.000-08:00

EEGHA!!!

I was wrong.. I was damn wrong! But I've learned not to judge anymore and this is quite good after all! bloody italian culture always trying to judge people..
Anyway, I thought that Cambridge lecturers were kind of genius, serious people devoted to their research. And they are actually, but they do also find the time to challenge their superior intelligence with film like EEGHA!! and that's something amazing! sitting in a room with the most clever people in the world lathing at a crap (REALLY CRAP!!!) cave-men film was the highlight of my term! I do have the prove that intelligence and madness go together... oh,I am so happy now.. now I know that after all I'm not here by mistake...lol...brilliant!!! and EEGHA everybody!!

2007-11-12T12:53:00.000-08:00

THE PAST...

It's coming back with insistence in these days..dunno why...I keep throwing those images and feelings to the back of my mind, I keep ignoring them..still, they are here like nightmares, annoying little flash of sadness, awfully real and still so far from me...weird feeling...I am changed, I am new person, I am not gonna listen to those silly voices..not now...not now that I am sure I am still the same bloody loser but an happy one!!!yes, that's what I am..an happy loser...I am gonna survive, once again...

2007-11-07T00:44:00.000-08:00

BIG BROTHER IS WACTHING YOU...

Yesterday I went to the Fitz Carrers Event, just for fun actually (well and free food later..)cose if I really am to do what I want at the moment I don't need to be embployed by anyone, expecially not by a rich tv man with a texan jaw and a wearing a scarf in the typical berslusonian way. No thanks. Anyway, they basically sayed that you need to fight to get in anywhere, you need to fight a lot. Now, that was exacly the point of our lecture about socanth theory, these new victorian aristocratic men where saying me " life is a struggle for survival, and only the fittiest survive." Great. But, if theat's true I should have died 15 years ago, which I did not and I think I am doing pretty well since then. Conclusion: evolutionism, struggles, money all that kind of stuff might be important for certain kind of people, but it is not the only thing that matter. We do remeber only thiny, ill men, who weren't rich at all but able to write masterpieces like Ulisses, or Romeo and Juliet. We do not remeber the fittiest. The only people who survive time are considered looser by their contemporary, but genius by the next generations. Ergo, I am not gonna fight for a place in Tv. whatsoever.

2007-10-30T17:15:00.000-07:00

REQUIEM

Now I know for sure that I am dead. I have been dieing slowly but inesorabily....little by little, every single to day, until this point..and now that I'm here I feel free, light like a butterfly even almost ready to my final challange, now I know, I feel, I have the strenght to win...Ite, missa est.

2007-10-18T07:01:00.000-07:00

PONDERINGS & FEELINGS...

First of all, I should being writing an essay about sex and gender but my mind is just miles away...lost in translation probably...Yeah, translation, I need to start to think in english cose translating everything is a bit hard and terribly tiring...
Secondly, I have promised Bela to write a post in english and here it is..even if I know for sure that nobody will comment it...
Third, I am a bit confused...It's weird to see a new life and the same old feares mixing up...It's like I have the unique opportunity to start sth complitely new, a new, strong personality, and yet again these bloody old fears and defects are coming to vist me every time a feel tired...just need to sleep a bit more probably, and have a bit more of selfestime..

2007-10-12T15:18:00.000-07:00

THOUGHT OF THE DAY...

taken for granted that nobody's free but we're all culturally determined....althought...

WE ARE WHAT WE CHOOSE TO BE.

2007-10-10T12:34:00.000-07:00

DIFFERENZA DI STILE...

Stamattina, mentre mi trascinavo in bagno ancora avvolta dal tepore del letto, mi sono imbattuta nella mia vicina di stanza che vagava altrettanto svampita per il corridoio indossando pigiama e stivali imbottiti ( sembra che abbia perso le scarpe a una festa quindi nn le rimangono che quelli..)..il dialogo è stato più o meno questo...

LEI: have you got a clock?
IO: eh?!
LEI: a clock!
IO: ah..ehm..
LEI: do you know what time is it?
IO: sth between 8.30 and 9...I guess, but I can check in a minute (notare la perfetta padronanza dell' inglese a quell'ora infame del mattino..)
LEI: oh thanks..

Beh per farla breve erano le 9 meno un quarto, quando glielo comunico lei mi guarda svampita(cosa piuttosto normale) e fa : "oh I've got a lecture at 9, dunno if going or not.." A quel punto io avrei cominciato a correre come una scema per tentare di andare..sopportando perfino l'onta immane di arrivare in ritardo..lei ci pensa un po e poi torna a dormire..credo che nn abbia fatto altro tutto il giorno..

2007-10-04T11:36:00.000-07:00

CAMBRIDGE 07

Sono finita in una bolla di vetro...un piccolo mondo a se stante dove il tempo corre troppo veloce inseguendo un milione di diverse attività, lezioni, emozioni..un luogo dove nessuno giudica, tutti sono alla pari e sanno di esserlo, dove la gente si sbatte per aiutarti, dove anche se non capisci una mazza di inglese (come me!) troverai sempre qualcuno che ti regala un sorriso...dove si sono riuniti i ragazzi più belli, galanti, intelligenti e ricchi d' inghilterra ( tutti fidanzati non credete..)..dove gli studenti sono protagonisti indiscussi e tutto gira intorno ai giovani, dove non sei solo un numero, ma una scommessa...dove sei costretto a stare concentrato 24 h su 24 e non mollare mai....una specie di piccolo paradiso insomma, esigente, ma pur sempre un paradiso...

2007-09-29T14:14:00.000-07:00

...indietro non si torna...

2007-09-26T10:32:00.000-07:00

2 DAYS TO GO....

...surprisingly, I'm not scared anymore...at the moment I just want to leave : If I have to that the sooner the better...Just wanna have a last beer (well perhaps few last beers) with my friend ad jump into this new adventure, with all the good and bad things it can bring to me...moreover all my class mate have already started unversity: I feel a bit late...I'm sure I won't have enough time to say goodbye to everybody..I'd really like to meet everybody one last time, expecially people whose friendship I know I will probably loose with the distance..but it's life...here I took the occasion to thanks all the people who had come through my way even if for a single day...Thanks, many thanks, from the depth of my heart!!!
and now go Bepe...go....

2007-09-20T05:01:00.000-07:00

THE FINAL COUNTDOWN

Another song...just cose music always helps....9 days left...my unconsciuos is so stupid that works too hard and I'm always tired...today I've sent most of my things to Cambridge and I'm ready to pack up my luggage even if I've still a week to that!!!
well I only hope that these 9 days will run over quickly!!!!

2007-09-12T02:48:00.000-07:00

I'M LAEVING ON A JET PLANE....

Well, I am not, that was Janis Joplin,still I think is a good title for a post (or song...).....I thought I'd better restart to write in english just cose I gotta get used to that...I am putting all my clothes on the bed trying to decide which one I should bring and which not...It's an hard job,ya know, I have to chose what I want to wear for the next 2 months!!!I've never done anything like that...and I have to look everything a decide if it is still in a good condition or not...and while doing that I have not to think that I'm leaving, otherwise I'll start panicking...uf...uf...uf,....why leaving is so scaring?????
It's the final count-down..17 days left....well 16 and a half.....prrrrrr

2007-09-09T03:20:00.000-07:00

2

Non c'è spazio per due, non c'è mai stato....uno e un' ombra, al massimo, se proprio dev'esserci l'ombra....un solo termine di paragone, un solo stile possibile, un solo insistente, nauseante modello, un solo obbligo o aspettativa che sia....all'ombra è richiesto di eguagliare in tutto il modello e qualunque risultato benchè sudato è comunque il minimo indispensabile per pretendere di avere il proprio spazio ritagliato nel fango...un solo elogio disponibile...due trattamenti drasticamente opposti...la sensazione costante che non c'è posto, proprio non c'è, è inutile discutere...per me non c'è posto qui, mai stato...e allora non mi resta che curvarmi e scomparire....e pregare di non dover tornare più...

2007-09-03T07:57:00.000-07:00

MUMBLE MUMBLE

Dunque...comp nuovo, vita nuova...sempre che riesca a capire tutto ciò che codesto nuovo compagno vuole dirmi...ho già dei seri problemi a scrivere punti invece che virgole....vabbè vabbè...oggi è arrivato un nuovo pacco da Fitz (fanno fuori 1/10 di foresta pluviale solo a Cambridge secondo me) che conteneva il Fresher's handbook e altre informazioni utili....sembra che da quando metto piede sul inglese io sia coinvolta in una serie tendente a infinito di feste e attività ricreative di vario genere,ma soprattutto festoni...spero studino anche questi qua ogni tanto!!!!in ogni caso ho deciso di iscrivermi alla squadra di rugby femminile e ciò è un sollievo perchè ho una decisione in meno da prendere....torna il terrore da partenza a piccole dosi....ogni tanto mi ritrovo a pensare a come farò a farmi degli amici e parlare con tutti questi sconoscuiti, prorpio mentre dovrei sforzarmi di capire il contributo di Durcheim alla sociologia classica....intanto aspetto con ansia i mondiali di rugby per distrarmi un po...(e imparare 2 regole...)

2007-08-27T12:28:00.000-07:00

....follow your heart....

2007-08-26T12:42:00.000-07:00

Solo un pò di poesia....

La Fede

Vita, Bellezza. Sei malata. Ho il cuore
stanco di pianto. Albeggia in me il terrore.
Eppure non so credere che tu
possa morire, fino a che amerai.

Il cerchio della vita

Lo spirito mi levò alto, subito l'amore
mi richiamò. Il dolore lo piega più violento.
Così percorro l'arco della vita,
torno da dove venni.

Friedrich Holderlin

2007-08-21T09:02:00.000-07:00

29 Settembre

Comprato ciabatte nuove, jeans perchè i miei erano in fondo, 2 copripiumone, manca il piumone che verrà acquistato presto insieme al cuscino, fatto inventario delle maglie, polo, pantaloni, giacche, mutande e calze, comprato vestito nero elegante per le grandi occasioni, preso appuntamento per vaccinazione contro la meningite C (quanti tipi di infiammazioni possono venire alle mie meningi????). Comprato biglietto aereo.
Sto proprio partendo.

2007-08-19T06:04:00.000-07:00

Doppio post folle N.101.06

Due cose da riportare. Una bella,una nè bella nè brutta. Cominciamo da quella bella. Stamattina ho rivisto Giovanni, dopo mesi di assenza e malattia, lacrime e preghiere. Si è seduto vicino a me e stavo per scoppiare a piangere, onestamente non so con quale volontà ho trattenuto le lacrime. Evviva!Non so se la mia gioia di oggi durerà a lungo, però oggi bisognava festeggiare e piangere,perchè no? Che sia un caso che l'abbia incontrato proprio in chiesa?chi lo sa...però ci sta una canzone, una delle mie preferite tra l'altro:

Celebrate Dio con me
e per sempre la sua bontà,
nel dolore gridai a Lui,
mi trasse in salvo mai più temerò.

Seconda cosa, che vuole avere il carattere di una semplice considerazione. Ieri ho avuto la mia opportunità per dimostrarmi che sono pronta a partire. Il risultato è che ora so che non sono pronta. Non per quell'aspetto almeno. In realtà è andato tutto bene, a parte il ritardo la corsa forsennata e la risultante ascella pezzata, ero giusto un pò tesa, niente di che.Ed è stato tutto praticamente perfetto, una mezz'ora incantevole. Però l'obbiettivo era di tornare a casa paralizzata e tremante, invece è rimasto un tarlo in fondo alla mia mente per tutto il tempo e alla fine ero pronta a partire per Varallo con la solita speranza inutile. A questo punto non rimane che affidarsi Holderlin:

Vieni, placami, voluttà delle Muse celesti
che un giorno conciliasti gli elementi,
al suono della pace dei celi ordina la lotta furiosa
finchè nel cuore umano gli opposti si uniscano.
La natura antica degli uomini, calma, grande,
si levi forte e limpida dal fermento del tempo.
Torna al nostro cuore indigente, o vivente bellezza,
torna alla mensa ospitale ed ai templi.
Poichè Diotima vive come i fragili fiori all'inverno,
ricca del proprio spirito, ancora cerca il sole.
Ma il sole dello spirito, il mondo più bello, è caduto
e nella notte gelida urlano gli uragani.

Due soluzioni mi si aprono dinnanzi (come le famose due strade di Frost):
1. dire con tutta me stessa "bah!è un mondo complicato!" e attendere il corso degli eventi (stile nonno Sergio)
2. scegliere la filosofia della vodka e cha cha cha (stile Bridget Jones)
Ai posteri l'ardua sentenza.

2007-08-17T11:52:00.000-07:00

SWEDEN

I'm back....well I was back two days ago,but got some problems with internet...It has been one of the best holiday in my life!We drunk and laughted more than I could imagine, we met great people,eated gourgeous dinner and visited wonderful places. Yeah,it was pretty great!!!!I higly recomand Sweden to all who wants to see heaven with their own eyes....eheh....goodnight everybody!!!

2007-08-02T00:56:00.000-07:00

AFFIRMATION

I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands.

I believe I'm loved when I'm complitely by myself alone.

I believe in Karma what you give it's what you get returned.

I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned.

I believe the grass is not more greener on the other side.

I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye.

2007-07-28T03:10:00.000-07:00

MELANCHOLIE

Another image,just not to get bored...here she is: the black powerful Lady, gourgeos as always, she is the queen. She is the eightht wonder of the world, the muse of all poets, the angel behind every poetry or dream, she is the only way human beeings know to get close to the sky. She is life and death, agony and joy, anxiety and power, hollow and light, she is the best friend of stranger and dictators,she is the source of higest genius, she is the mistress of our soul.I bow to her.